PUNKEE HOROSCOPES: Can’t Fight The (Sagittarius) Moonlight
We’re back for another week of super legitimate horoscope predictions, and I can already see several glasses of wine on the horizon.
As of last Friday, the moon became new again, which means watch out ‘cos it’s Sagittarius season and that’ll bring nothing but trouble. Fight the moonlight by watching Coyote Ugly, for no other reason than it being an incredibly good film.
Full disclosure: I am not an expert in astrology, I do however own a Stevie Nicks CD and I once visited Byron Bay for several minutes, so my credentials check out.
Here’s your weekly fortune for the week starting Monday, the 10th of December.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
Relationships: Being Sagittarius means you’re open-minded and adaptable to change, so try dating someone you’re not usually attracted to. If it’s a disaster at the very least you will get a good story you can relay back to your besties.
Career: You have been spending far too long slaving away at work while low-key stalking your last boyfriend’s Instagram, so I say it’s time for a holiday. Maybe a vacay hookup will come your way and make you forget all about your trash ex.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Relationships: You’re a stubborn binch but for once listen to your friends and dump that ‘friends with benefits’ guy you’ve been stringing along. He doesn’t even know what The Bachelor is so he’s obviously tasteless trash.
Career: While you’re used to using logic to sort through your problems, it might be time to go with your gut on this one. Tell your boss that the girl you hate on level two is stealing office supplies. If she gets fired you can move to her desk, which is on a much nicer floor.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Relationships: If you’re in a relationship, it might be time to take it to the next level and finally introduce him to the most important being in your life: your dog.
Career: You are used to being everyone’s friend, so seize the opportunity at the work Xmas party to stir up some work drama among the different departments. It will entertain you through to 2019. You’re welcome.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Relationships: Pisces are one of the most selfless signs, but remember that sometimes self-care is more important. Cancel that catchup on Wednesday night with your old uni mates. You won’t gain anything from it, Sara is still a self-entitled gronk and Tyson is a misogynistic dick.
Career: Try to get closer to your boss. Invite her out to lunch or show her where you hide your Oreos at your desk. She’ll respect you more and will always go to you for bomb-ass snacks. It’ll foster a friendship that’ll pay off.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Relationships: Being an independent thinker means you don’t often go to your partner for advice. Break this cycle. Listen to what they say, and just do the complete opposite.
Career: It might be time for a dramatic change at work. Buy a new pot plant or start arriving 15 minutes late every day to keep your boss on their toes. Some days just don’t go in at all. They’ll love the air of mystery.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Relationships: Pick your favourite friend (you know the one) and treat them to a spontaneous trip to Kmart. They can reward you by talking you out of buying that coffee table, you have one just like it! Control yourself, goddamnit.
Career: That anxiety-inducing seminar you agreed to host in your non-working hours is a big fat waste time. CANCEL. IT. Be free, my child. Instead, watch your fave Netflix flick that lets you relax. You can borrow mine: The Human Centipede.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Relationships: Being a Gemini means you’re an indecisive bitch, but this will be a massive asset this week. Don’t rush into agreeing to book Coachella with your besties. Signs say that it’s overhyped and a bit shit.
Career: Use your natural enthusiasm to set up a social group at work, it will give you a chance to mingle with the thottie on level five with the septum piercing. She’ll help you get over your ex.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Relationships: Don’t let your recent dry spell affect your self-confidence. Sometimes it’s better to be single and happy then in a relationship and miserable. If in doubt, watch all six seasons of Vanderpump Rules for perspective.
Career: Join the committee planning the work Xmas lunch, it’ll give you an in with your boss to get to allocate the seating plan and place your work nemesis Tanya next to that dude in I.T that talks nonstop about his exotic salamander.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Relationships: Since you love the limelight so much, you attention-seeking superstar, it might be time to really put yourself out there. Try speed dating or just post an ad in Trading Post of your face and mobile number.
Career: It’s time to stand up for yourself and call out that scrub taking credit for your work. Just ‘cos you’re a team player, doesn’t make you a pushover. Plot your revenge and start by installing a virus on his laptop. That’ll teach you for saying it was YOU that suggested casual Fridays, won’t it Trevor!
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Relationships: If you’re looking for a relationship, the first place to go is in the fucking mirror. Love yourself! Or if not, love Yusuf…that cute guy you met on the train last Tuesday.
Career: With Mercury as the ruling planet, Virgos are quick-thinking, so it’s time to shake things up in 2019 and boost office morale. Suggest a pizza lunch every month or a company-wide viewing of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again every quarter. Your popularity will skyrocket.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Relationships: Use your natural charm to make new friends in your building. It’ll pay off on the weekend when you run out of salt for margaritas.
Career: The greatest strength of the Libra sign is they’re all about fairness and harmony, so with this week’s Sagittarius new moon seize the chance to right a wrong and finally tell your boss that it was you that used the company card to buy yourself a SinglesSwag subscription. Oops.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Relationships: Scorpio-born are passionate people, so use this to your advantage and channel your energy into something you’re passionate about. You’ll be surprised to meet a likeminded hottie. Not all Red Dead Redemption fans are dorks.
Career: Beware, that customer whose order you stuffed up is coming back this week and they’re mad as hell. If all else fails, just play dumb and pretend you just started. If they recognise you, pretend to be your own twin.