PUNKEE HOROSCOPES: This Week’s Life Predictions
The future is now and now here is your future in Punkee’s first edition of your weekly horoscope. It might be Scorpio season but there’s tea for everyone.
Last week we all bid goodbye to Bachy for another year, but I’m already predicting that we will see them all again soon, possibly in Fiji. Signs are not certain, but I see Osher wearing a floral t-shirt and tan khakis.
Full disclosure: I am not an expert in astrology, I do however own several dream catchers and know all the lyrics to ‘The Sign’ by Ace of Base, so my credentials check out.
Here’s your weekly fortune for the week starting Monday, the 19th of November.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22)
Relationships: It might be time to reevaluate your friendships, remember that the mate that tags you in the funniest memes is irreplaceable.
Career: Being a Scorpio, you ambitious bitch, you gotta stop that scrub at work stealing all your ideas. Save all your money for Friday night drinks, have some liquid courage and let them have it.
Weekly anthem: ‘Tipsy’ – J-Kwon
Monday mantra:
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
Relationships: Being Sagittarius means you’re naturally curious, so try some new dating apps. If you’re in a relationship then try something different like calling your partner by the wrong name in bed.
Career: Be brave and go for that promotion you’ve been contemplating at your job or at the very least buy yourself a fancy salad on Wednesday.
Weekly anthem: ‘Confident’ – Demi Lovato
Monday mantra:
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Relationships: Give the dating game a miss for a while if it’s giving you grief. Staying single is really a great kind of self-care.
Career: Being both disciplined and patient means you are often getting stuck with the shitty jobs at work. Tell that bitch Karen to do her own invoices by leaving a threatening note in her draw.
Weekly anthem: ‘Sweet But Psycho’ – Ava Max
Monday mantra:
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Relationships: Y’all Aquariuses are funny mofos, so let your humour shine by updating you dating bio. If you are in a relationship, tell your partner you’re pregnant just for the lols.
Career: While you may be inclined to quit your dead-end job, stay where you are for a little longer. Bide your time by Facebook stalking your enemies from primary school.
Weekly anthem: ‘Get Ur Freak On’ – Missy Elliott
Monday mantra:
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)
Relationships: Do what I say and take your best friend on an impromptu trip to Macca’s tonight, you will be rewarded with Macca’s.
Career: Being a Pisces means you’re popular in social circles at work, so use this for your advantage to get some time with the boss and ask for a cheeky pay rise.
Weekly anthem: ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ – Rihanna
Monday mantra:
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Relationships: Tell your friends they are grateful to have you and tell your partner that they should be more thankful for having you in their life*.
Career: Just keep being you because you are a star*.
Weekly anthem: ‘Lucky’ – Britney Spears
Monday mantra:
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)
Relationships: Being extremely trustworthy means all your friends share the hottest tea with you, so prepare yourself because some delicious gossip is about to come your way.
Career: You’re a boss with finances and savings, so TREAT YO’ SELF with your next pay and buy a bottle of wine that isn’t $4 for once.
Weekly anthem: ‘Started From The Bottom’ – Drake
Monday mantra:
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Relationships: Stop being so indecisive and finally say ‘yes’ to that Tinder date with the thotty from Greece. You won’t regret it.
Career: If you’ve recently been feeling restless at work, then it might be time to make a big change, like stop putting tomato in your sandwiches.
Weekly anthem: ‘Prisoner Of Society’ – The Living End
Monday mantra:
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Relationships: You’re a sentimental soul, so reach out to one of your old friends from high school. You’ll find out just how unsuccessful they are and it’ll make you feel great.
Career: Put your savings to good use and join a gym or sign up to a class. It’ll be a great excuse to cancel any lame plans you begrudgingly agreed to, as you can just say you have pilates.
Weekly anthem: ‘Now or Never’ – Halsey
Monday mantra:
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Relationships: If you’re single and ready to mingle, you may as well mix up your look to get some extra attention. Dye your hair. Try out a different makeup look. Dress up as Voldemort. Whatever works.
Career: Catch up with your boss and start discussing a 5-year plan to replace them.
Weekly anthem: ‘Green Light’ – Lorde
Monday mantra:
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Relationships: If you’re in a relationship, stop overthinking everything and say ‘yes’… to splitting that giant inflatable swan from Kmart.
Career: Being extremely observant can be a curse when you notice your boss leaves an hour early every day. Start stealing some office supplies until they get their shit together.
Weekly anthem: ‘Bad Girls’ – M.I.A
Monday mantra:
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Relationships: With your ruling planet being Venus, you can often be a total sucker for romance. If you’re in a relationship do something special for your partner like giving them the gift of silence and going on a vacay with your besties.
Career: It might feel dodgy to betray your current employer but it may be time to start thinking about spreading your wings.
Weekly anthem: ‘Free Fallin” – Tom Petty
Monday mantra:
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* author of this horoscope guide may or may not be an Aries.