Everything I Need ‘The Kardashians’ To Address This Season

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It’s been less that a year since Billie Eilish’s, tearjerker track ‘Everything I Wanted’ closed the final episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians on E!. A powerful choice, with the opening lyrics being:

“I had a dream I got everything I wanted/Not what you’d think/And if I’m being honest/It might’ve been a nightmare, to anyone who might care.”

The song sent a strong message to the audience that our girls had achieved a frankly sickening level of fame and it was time to retreat. And fair enough! During the 20 seasons (and numerous spin-off shows) they went from being virtual nobodies to the second-most famous family in the world behind only the royals. They were done with the camera crews, they were tired of the general population knowing their intimate family business, and they wanted to focus on what was more important in life.

But what’s more important in life than fat stacks directly from the pocket of Mickey Mouse? Disney owned streaming service Hulu announced merely months after the finale date that a Kardashians reboot was already on its way to grace our screens the following year. 

11 months worth of drama in the Kardashian world is roughly 10 lifetimes worth of scandal for any other family. There is already SO much to katch up on and I needed answers yesterday.  Although the first few episodes and recent press tours have given SOME answers (Khloe and Tristan’s status, the Kimye divorce, Kim’s relationship with Pete, rumours of a second sex tape), there are a few good things the girls are remaining tight-lipped on.

So without further ado, here is everything I’m going to need The Kardashians to address this season. 

the kardashians

The Astroworld tragedy

OK, I know what you are thinking. It might not be appropriate to address something so serious and tragic on a silly light-hearted reality show, but stay with me. A TV show that started with plots such as photoshoots in Cabo and lost diamond earrings in the sea evolved to be more of a doco-style reflection of the real lives of these women and the world around them.

The latter seasons of KUWTK showed the the bad and the ugly along with the good. I certainly respect them for their increasing transparency on so many issues including divorce, mental illness, death, cheating, family breakdowns and even airing a full physical fight between Kourtney and Kim. (Still nothing on the disappearance of their pets unfortch). 

So moving forward and not saying anything AT ALL about the Astroworld tragedy late last year, an event that stopped the world and one that is certainly Kardashian-adjacent, feels to me likes a bit of an elephant in the room or like it’s being swept under the rug. I respect it’s not going to be an episode plot, nor am I saying anyone in their camp is responsible, but a recognition of the event seems appropriate given the honest nature of the show these days. 

Rob Vs. Blac Chyna 

Last week I thought I saw Rob Kardashian in the background of a scene on The Kardashians. I was euphoric, it felt like seeing a shooting star. After some expert pausing I realised it wasn’t him and decided it was time to put down the bong. Thinking I had spotted Rob was a most ridiculous thought as he hasn’t made an appearance on the show for about half a decade, but mum always said I was a big dreamer. 

We were long overdue for a Rob and his sock business update as it was, but with the lawsuit between Rob and Blac Chyna PLUS Blac Chyna suing Kris, Kim, and Kylie for the cancellation of spin-off show Rob & Chyna I’m literally gagging for somebody, anybody with a Kar/Jenner last name to comment. 

I know this has all come to a head in the last couple of weeks after the filming of the show, but the lawsuit was filed in October of 2017 and was certainly brewing at the time of filming this season.

Why is Kourtney back? 

I once stormed out of my retail job yelling “I quit” only to show up for my next shift. I now refer to this behaviour as ‘pulling a Kourtney Kardashian’. This excuse also works for that girl who made an ordeal of moving high schools and had her big farewell on the last day of term only to show up sheepishly after the holidays (also me).

Kourtney made a big song and dance about not wanting to be on the show anymore. I believe she was the first domino in ending KUWTK. The girls knew they couldn’t sustain the show without all sisters involved. 

So seeing her on the reboot, so prominently and so quickly, makes me roll my eyes. All of this for nothing? What made her change her mind? Money? Sure. But what else? Does Travis want a bit of air time? What does Penelope have to say about all this? My ears are at the ready, Kourt!

Why did they leave E!?

Probably not important to the kasual Kardashian fan but this one is at the very top of my list. The Kardashians and E! go together like macaroni and cheese. E! made the Kardashians and the Kardashians made E! They had remained so loyal to each other up to this point, so what happened? 

What I do know is that Ryan Seacrest (ex E! golden child and the the exec producer of KUWTK) remains exec producer on The Kardashians, which was nice to see. But why the E! breakup? How did it happen? Who lost their job over this? Was this the Kardashians plan all along or did they really think they weren’t going to do a reality show anymore? Honestly these questions keep me up at night and I would love some answers.

And most importantly…

WHAT THE FUCK IS YA KID’S NAME, KYLIE?

Come on girl, how long can this name reveal possible go on for? I know it’s got more to do with just not feeling the vibe on ‘Wolf Webster’. For someone so calculated and careful in the public eye, it’s a yuuuge deal in my opinion for Kylie to announce the name of her firstborn son only to then denounce the name days later. She literally had nine months to decide on it, and I just know there would have been numerous business meetings about it and sessions with baby name psychic experts, so why the sudden change? My scandal senses are tingling hardcore. 

I do believe it has everything to do with Tammy Hembrow. A baby name copying scandal is as petty as it gets, and I would loooove to see Kylie talk about it but I have accepted in my heart this is a pipe dream: as if Kylie is going to give Tammy any more fame and airtime. Kylie and I have soooo much in common, as I too have a longstanding beef with a Queenslander, but that’s a story for another time. 

Anyway Kylie, cough up the name by the finale, OK?