The Official Guide To Not Acting Like A Hot Mess At The Races

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Anyone who’s been to the races knows that there are two groups of people.

The cultured ones – who are dressed well, behave politely, and are genuinely interested in a great day filled with social drinking, horse racing, and light punting. And then, of course, the partygoers – who are only interested in dressing up, getting smashed, and flushing all their money down the toilet.

This group is the most prominent at the races, as they’re always loud, take up the most space, and fill up the lines of the TAB like it’s Subway.

If we’re being honest, we’ve all got messy at the races, and sometimes we have to remind ourselves to pipe the fk down, because yes, there ARE other people in this racecourse that aren’t here to totally “send it”.

We’ve put together a guide on how to avoid being a messy b this races season, so that you (and me tbh), can learn how to not annoy every single person in the stadium.

Here’s what to NOT do this races season.

1. Wear an expensive as sh*t outfit that you ultimately end up ruining

For those who need to hear this, here it is. A $400 Bec & Bridge dress has absolutely NO place being at the races. Same as a wheat blazer from Politix – if you wear it, you will RUIN IT.

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Drink spillage, grass stains, and even dirty chairs are all going to f*ck up your outfits faster than the Honey Badger f*cked up his season of The Bachelor. If I hear another bro complaining about getting red wine on his white pants I will flip. You came to a field filled with drunk people, what were you expecting?

2. Put money on a random horse that everyone knows is not going to win

“Omg can you imagine if it won?!”, and “bruh, it’s paying like $25,” are all phrases that bogans say before they put money on a horse who has the lowest odds of winning. They’ve heard one success story from one mate who put $20 on a random horse and ended up winning two grand. Because of this, they proceed to bet on the shittiest horse in the race, in the hopes that it pulls a ‘Racing Stripes’ and comes up first.

3. Bet on a horse because you think the name is cute

Once a white girl hears a horse named after her star sign, it’s game over for her wallet. Honestly, name a horse ‘Gemini’ or ‘Pisces’, and get ready to be showered in cash.

The amount of people who bet on a horse JUST because they think the name is cute is insane. Bruh, ‘Good Vibes’ is ranked last, I promise you he is not going win.

4. Say “send it”

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Unless you are referring to an email, please stop telling each other to “send it”. For those of us who are cultured, “send it” is essentially telling someone to skull their drink. People also yell it out at the horses, trying to get them to pull forward and finish in first. Plz, stop, my ears.

5. Gamble your life savings

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We get it, you’re a chippie and earn a hundred bucks an hour. But just because you’ve GOT money, doesn’t mean you need to punt it all away. Hearing how some people bet up to a grand at the races is beyond me, I mean come on Robbo, that’s a trip to Bali for you! Put your wallet away and don’t be RIDICULOUS.

6. Cheer but without knowing which horse is yours

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I can’t even tell you how many people are ‘woo’ing’, ‘yeeting’, or yelling “COME ONNN!!!” when their eyes are looking at nothing. They’ve drunk way too much to follow along with which horse is theirs, so they’re just yelling out into the atmosphere.

7. Ask “WHO WON?!” because you are out of place and shouldn’t be there

Yes, you were cheering during the race, but were you REALLY paying attention? After every race, you hear people screaming “WHO WON?!” because they weren’t actually paying any attention.

8. Take group photos in front of the track, blocking everyone’s way

No one has ever uploaded a photo at the races that wasn’t in front of the track. The issue with this is that some groups are so uncultured that they’ll pose during the middle of a race and obstruct everyone’s view. HULLO?! Some people here ACTUALLY came to watch the racing. I KNOW!!!? SHOCKER!!!!

9. Say things like “f*ck I’m hammered aye”

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“Bro I’m farrkedd” and “this is dangerous” are all common things heard at the races. These people love telling each other how wasted they are as if it’s some type of badge of honour. Yes Troy, this is a competition, but not regarding how much more effed you are compared to everyone else.