A Definitive Ranking Of Australian Canteen Food
Pizza singles, chicken sticks, JJ’s and jelly cups — primary and high school canteen food is, in our opinion, peak culinary excellence.
I am in no way kidding when I say that if there were a school canteen I could visit the adult world, I would gladly drop $20 after a night out to satisfy my craving for Pizza Roundas.
Aaanyway, we decided to take a trip down good ol’ mems lane and create a definitive ranking of our favourite canteen food growing up.
Let’s do this thing.
#20 Chicken & Corn Roll
This mystery-filled fish finger on ‘roids? It’s a no from me. Luckily the canteen at Coonabarabran Public School didn’t stock these filth sticks, so I’ve never actually been subjected to one.
Team Punkee, however, have informed me they’re nasty as shit.
Put me in your mouth and swallow me, bitch.
#19 Lasagna
Great in theory, but poor execution. Spaghetti bolognese cake (lasagna) is a delicious, cheesy treat! But don’t try and tell me whenever you ordered this it wasn’t scorching-fucking-hot on the outside but still very much frozen on the inside.
Just do better, canteen lasagna.
#18 Popcorn
You’re fine — a skinny snack.
#17 Jelly Cups
Now we’re talking! Jelly cups are the bomb dot com. Usually I get mad when people try and trick me into eating fruit, but I was never mad with a cheeky slice of apple or orange in the middle of my jelly.
#16 Zooper Doopers
Apart from the razor-sharp plastic edges that, if you weren’t careful, would cut the shit out of your mouth, Zooper Doopers were (and still are) a summer classic. Plus, we STAN a frugal snack. 50 cents? No problem.
#15 Mamee Noodles
Don’t talk to me ’til I’ve had my morning Mamees. Fun fact: we stock Mamee noodles in the Punkee snack cupboard and if that ever changed I would probably quit. Haha, just kidding! (Kinda.)
#14 Sunnyboys
Another absolute summer classic! But wait…
Why do the good die young?
I’m not crying, you’re crying.
#13 Spaghetti Bolognese
Spaghetti bolognese got right what lasagna couldn’t — it was never frozen in the middle. Yeah, it was scorching hot all the way through, but better than the alternative, right?
Plus, there was something about that fake, plastic-like spaghetti that had me all kinds of fucked up as a kid.
Hook. It. To. My. Veins.
#12 Chicken Nuggets
Chicken nuggets is like my family.
#11 Hot Dogs
Who doesn’t love a long microwaved boi slapped on a crusty white roll smothered in tomato sauce? OK yeah, sounds gross now.
#10 JJ’s
Top 10, BABY! JJ’s were the perfect chippy. Salty, crunchy, a texture unlike anything else. The closest thing I could describe it to is like, a super old and stale piece of pork crackle. Not real pork crackle, the fake stuff you buy in a vending machine. Tasty!
#9 Paddle Pop
A choccy or rainbow (banana, GTFO you sociopath) Paddle Pop had (and still has) the ability to take your day from a two to a 10. And DAMN, remember when they had those promotions where you could win stuff from the pictures printed on the stick?
I kid you not, one day in Year 6, I got three instant wins in a row. The highlight of my life to date.
#8 Sausage Roll
The humble sausage roll needs no introduction. It is, for lack of a better word, perfect. Tomato sauce though, not BBQ, you animals.
#7 Nutella Snacks
I mean, it’s just straight Nutella, what’s not to be obsessed over?
#6 Chicken Sticks
Chicken chippies, chicken goujons, long-ass nuggets — chicken sticks go by many names. But one thing always remains the same, and that’s them being undoubtedly delicious. Chicken sticks are proof that God exists, IMHO.
#5 Traveller Pie
I want to meet the person who looked at a meat pie and screamed in a boardroom somewhere, “MAKE IT LONGER!” His employees were probably like, “But ma’am, that’s impossible, pies are round!” And then she was probably like, “You’re fired! Would anyone else like to question my BRILLIANCE?!”
Or I mean, that’s how I hope it went.
#4 Ovalteenies
Do I know what’s in an Ovalteenie? No. Has it ever stopped me? No.
#3 Pizza Single
Just a Hawaiian pizza — a classic beauty.
#2 Pizza Rounda
How do I even begin to describe the sheer beauty that is a Pizza Rounda to someone who has never had one gently caress their lips. OMG, I just grossed myself out, let’s take it down a whole bunch of notches.
Picture this: delicious hot, tomatoey pizza sauce with I presume meat (?) and cheese, encased in a crunchy-on-the-outside, soft on the inside crust. *KISSY FINGERS*
Ever slapped some sweet and sour sauce on top of one of these bad boys? Absolute game changer.
#1 Potato Smiles
Let’s pour one out for our fallen brother. Literally just a big hot chip in the shape of a smiley face. Ironic, considering I haven’t smiled since Potato Smiles got discontinued.
@McCain, bring these back or I will call the police.
If any canteen food manufacturers want to send us food, hit us up — I’m hungry.