A Definitive Ranking Of Santa’s Reindeer Based On Hotness
So we’ve already established that you know Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and that red-nosed idiot Rudolph. But have you ever considered which of them is actually the hottest?
Anyone who says Christmas isn’t the sexiest holiday on the calendar is straight-up lying. What’s not sexy about mistletoe to have a cheeky pash beneath? Who doesn’t love the idea of a big, thick, red-suited boy attempting to break into your house? Oh, and hot elves – you get it. Sexy, huh?
In celebration of sexy Christmas, we’re (you guessed it) ranking all of Santa’s nine reindeers based on hotness, whether you like it or not.
#9 Rudolph
Controversial last place, but honestly, dead-ass Rudolph is overrated as fuck. He has some genetic mutation allowing his nose to radiate light, helps Santa ONE TIME and suddenly is everyone’s favourite? It’s a no from me.
Plus, have you seen Rudolph lately? Fame has really taken its toll on him.
Hotness rating: 2/10
#8 Prancer
You know that ex of yours that you think about sometimes when it’s 3 AM on a Tuesday, and instead of sleeping you catch yourself reflecting on all the mistakes you’ve made in your life, that have lead to this very moment?
Prancer is that ex. Not hot.
Hotness rating: 3/10
#7 Dasher
Dasher is that hottie you went on one date with, who then ghosted you but still manages to watch every single one of your Instagram stories.
You’re hot, don’t get me wrong… but leave me alone.
Hotness rating: 6.5/10
#6 Donner
Donner exudes hotness – the kind of hotness that stands out in a crowd of people. They are, however, a total sociopath who will leave you emotionally damaged and in therapy.
They will key your car if you forget to pick up eggs on your way home from work or kill your goldfish if you forget their mum’s birthday. Totally psychotic, but hot nonetheless.
Hotness rating: 7/10
#5 Blitzen
Blitzen does the absolute most, and honestly, it can be a lot. They’re totally marriage material, but no matter how hard you try and make it work with them, the timing is always off.
Maybe one day, Blitzen, but not today. You could get it though.
Hotness rating: 7.5/10
#4 Comet
Comet is that hottie you make eyes with across the dance floor, then Every Time We Touch by Cascada comes on, and you slowly start shimmying your way towards each other.
Then every time you touch, you get this feeling, and every time you kiss you swear you can fly. Lord knows y’all are sharing an Uber home together, if you know what I mean.
Hotness rating: 8/10
Tied #2 Cupid & Vixen
Guys, I have taken this ranking very seriously, and look, I just can’t separate these two super hot reindeer.
Firstly, Cupid is cute-as-hell, knows what she wants and how to get it, making her suuuper hot. While Vixen is fiery, a little scary TBH and an absolute freak!
I can’t separate these two. Sorry, not sorry.
Hotness rating: 9/10
#1 Dancer
Dancer is obvi the hottest reindeer and should be sitting up the front guiding that sleigh, not bitch-ass Rudolph.
She makes money moves, knows how to shake her reindeer booty and could model if she wanted, but is too humble and hard working to take time off around the busy Christmas period.
WE SEE YOU DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST, DANCER. Work, bitch.
Hotness rating: 11/10
Thanks for reading, I’m off to go drink my body weight in holy water to cleanse myself from the sins I have just committed. Happy holidays, y’all!