We Rated All ‘The Bachelorette’ Dudes From Tonight’s Premiere & Nothing Is Sacred

IT’S HERE….!!!!

Tonight Sophie Monk’s season of The Bachelorette kicked off, and if the first taste is anything to go by, my god this season is going to be phenomenal.

They’ve found some huge characters to fight it out, in a death-match for Sophie’s heart. We met two villains, that’ll give us enough material to argue about until Christmas. Then there’s Apollo, a man too perfect to exist upon this earth. Also there’s Sam, and what a magnificent man he is.

Here’s what we made of Sophie Monk’s buffet of beefy men:

Apollo

David Cop-a-feel

He might be magician aka “nerd burger” – but I’m a little in love. He seems sweet and sincere, and with a name like Apollo, he is a god among mere men. All the other dudes seem to have fallen in love with him too. We have a leading contender for the crowd favourite.

Jarrod

No Hope In Hell

Dude, don’t make a woman crush grapes in a nude coloured dress? Still, Sophie seemed to like him but that doesn’t mean he has a chance in this. Sure, he was nice but there’s zilch chemistry. He also said the words, “I really hope Sophie is my special one”. I need to dry-clean my eardrums now.

Eden

Pretty Fly For A White Guy

Wtaf was this dude thinking?! He kicked it off and performed a dance routine dressed in a red tracksuit straight outta The Royal Tenenbaums. He cannot dance. Like at all. He then got so puffed out, he nearly passed out. Oh and he brought a boombox, as a way of telling Sophie that she’s old. Great idea buddy, you can boogie on home.

James

Stage Five Clinger

Awww James. What a sweetie. The nervous wreck gave Sophie a rose quartz, announcing it as “the stone of the heart,” before trying to escape experiencing an actual human-to-human conversation. Sophie wouldn’t let him. So awkward. So cute. So leaving asap.

Sam

Bachy GOAT

He may have arrived disguised as three tiny children, but Sam is quality. I bloody love this weird dude for his inappropriate impersonations and him getting naked for no apparent reason. His MJ walk-off moves were also phenomenal. Sam is sure to be everyone’s GOAT.

However, Sophie doesn’t like man-buns, so he’s probz fucked. We’ll give it until episode five before she trims it off for him.

Jourdan

The Weird One

He’s weird. Super weird. And boy does he act weird. He blinded Sophie and then hid from her, which is a wild dating technique not scene since 50 Shades of Grey. Later on during the cocktail party, he started crying over a game of ‘Never Have I Ever’, because of a confusing story, that made zero sense. It could all be an act, but I don’t know if we care enough to discover the real Jourdan.

Luke

Mr. Vanilla

He seems nice enough but we didn’t learn much about the dude. Sophie reckons he looks like George Clooney. She’s lying, so she must be keen. However, the ladies will love him. He could be the slow burner that finishes in second place.

Mackane

Bardot Stan

He says he’s had a crush on Sophie for 10 years. To make it all the worse, he’s had 10 years to write Sophie THAT rubbish song. A song so cringe-worthy, it made my ovaries simultaneously close up and send out warning signals to passing ships. Ahh Mackane, you’ve done it again.

Pete

Aka ‘Hey Yourself’

He thinks his name is ‘Hey Yourself’, and he made Sophie a shitty t-shirt. Say your goodbyes now, Petey boy.

Jamie

Evicted. Who cares.

Dead to us. It turns out Sophie wasn’t looking for a Nicolas Cage (Con-Air) crossed with Chad Kroeger heartthrob.

Chad

Evicted. Who cares.

Dead to us.

Bingham

New phone, who diss?!?

He arrived on a horse and it barely made the editors cut. So far ol’ m8 Bingham’s dished up stale bread. We’re yet to find out who he really is, but we’re not holding our breath.

Brett

New phone, who diss?!?

The dude with the nose stud barely had any airtime. We know nothing about him, but he’s pretty easy on the eyes. Watch this space.

Jefferson

Dude, Wherez My Pizza?

He brought Sophie a pizza box, with… NO PIZZA IN IT?! Instead just some lame roses. That’s Osher’s gig, you gronk. He’s a liar and will bring nothing but heartbreak, and hopefully actual pizza… if he knows how to win over the heart of an actual human.

Harry

Long Hair, Don’t Care

I think this guy said words. Don’t remember ’em. He did a backflip, so I guess that’s good. He might sneak past a few rose ceremonies without raising Sophie’s attention – good luck pal.

Hayden

Total Fuckboi

That mustard poo suit was the first warning sign, but Hayden’s attitude screams fuck boi. That being said – he opened with a dab and used everyone’s fave pick-up line “you look dab-ulous”.

He also threw his dirty undies in the face of our bachy, calling the move a “nice way to leave a mark on her“. Eww! Send him and his suit back to the Roxbury. Thnx buh-bye.

Blake

Villain No. 1

Classic bachy villain. This dude is a self-made entrepreneur (*cough* living at home with mum *cough*).

We first see a montage of him making phone calls, which means he’s v self-important/ has a god complex. He tells us he will only marry a hot girl, so his gene pool remains visually appealing. He acts like an arrogant tool in front of the boys and tries to dominate the group. Let’s hope GOAT Sam will give this dude a dressing down.

Ryan

Villain No. 2

This dude is EVEN WORSE than Blake. As far as dodgy ‘villain edits’ go – Ryan is getting the full treatment from the Bachy Gods.

He permanently looks like he’s still half asleep. He insults Sophie aka Bardot royalty’s taste in music. He drills her on why she’s on the show. He’s an aggressive prick but will no doubt make excellent viewing. Feed our thirst for man-drama Ryan!

Header/images via Channel 10.