RECAP: 6 Things That Happened On Episode 2 Of ‘Real Housewives Of Melbourne’

Grab the nearest sword and slice open a bottle of champagne, climb into a cryotherapy tank, and paint a self-portrait of your vagina! The Real Housewives of Melbourne is back for another week of relatable content.

In Episode 2, the fourth new housewife Anjali Rao was finally introduced: she’s an acclaimed journalist who enjoys name-dropping every celebrity she’s ever shared an elevator with. She seems nice but weirdly kept mentioning knowing Kevin Spacey — like that’s something someone should say aloud?!

Keep that to yourself, hun!

Anjali is already rubbing Gamble up the wrong way, with the two getting into a rumble at Kyla’s champagne masterclass. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s go through all the episode’s highlights because I’m not getting any younger and neither are you!

Here’s what went down in Episode 2 of The Real Housewives of Melbourne:

1. Textgate continues and Janet (almost) apologises.

We rejoin the ladies where we last left them at spa day. Janet is still yelling across a manicure table. Kyla is still denying that she texted Cherry to complain that the women dressed badly. And I’m still wondering why there are no spas at this spa.

Janet keeps calling Kyla a liar, but she maintains it was just a miscommunication. “This is a classic case of Chinese whispers that’s ended up in the wrong hands — and then has been twisted for ammunition,” Kyla says privately. She acknowledges there was a text message about the ladies’ fashion but insists that it was “not meant in a negative way”. Sounds fake but OK!

Eventually Janet and Cherry agree that Kyla’s comments came from a place of her wanting to control every situation — rather than Kyla being mean-spirited. Jackie is overwhelmed by it all. “This is all a bit boom booms,” she declares.

Boom booms, it is!

After conferencing with Cherry and Gamble, Janet realises she might have been a bit harsh on Kyla. Meanwhile, Kyla is telling Jackie that it’s all “Chinese whispers”, but Jacks ain’t convinced.

Simone is also there and apparently shaking uncontrollably from all the stress. It’s going to be a long season…

“I probably need to apologise to you, Kyla,” Janet begins, before not apologising. “I feel like you’re a bit different to the girl I knew,” she adds. OK then!

Gretchen Weiner is shaking.

“I don’t know how sincere that apology was,” Kyla ponders afterwards.

By the end of the spa session, Jackie tries to salvage the day by sharing that she experienced recent heartbreak from a miscarriage. Everyone cries and hugs. Jackie’s power!

2. Gamble is preparing a vagina exhibition.

Gamble arrives at a gallery to present her late father’s works for consideration for an upcoming exhibition. Gamble’s dad was classically trained, so what kind of art did he create, you may ask? He painted vaginas.

“Have you even framed a vagina before?” asks Gamble. “A what?” the curator replies. “Vaginas, darling!” she snaps.

It might be my favourite reality TV exchange ever. Gamble makes a joke about one of the pieces “urinating”, and the curator wonders if he should have taken a different career path. Gamble’s step-son Luke arrives, having probably never seen a vagina before and looking truly traumatised.

Cherry and Simone go to a cryotherapy session together, and discuss how to main work-life balance while being working mums. Simone is worried her breast implants might freeze, like they could turn into two rock-hard ice caps and drop off her body like an avalanche. (I’d be worried too.) And, tbh, that would have been much more interesting than this dull asf cryotherapy scene.

3. Jackie reveals she’s pregnant with twins.

Jackie meets with Ben for a celebratory mocktail to reveal some big news: both of her injected eggs have “taken”, which means she’s pregnant with twins. That’s not one baby, that is, in fact… two babies!

Ben’s face goes through a range of emotions in response. “I’m excited but I’m quietly freaking out,” he tells Jackie. You don’t say!

Once the shock subsides, Ben does seem genuinely ecstatic with the news. They both agree to wait until three months to get fully excited, just to be sure the pregnancy is going to work out. I love this for them, and happy to confirm that Jackie literally just gave birth to two bundles of joy. Their names are under wraps but may I suggest Tara for a girl and Tara for a boy.

Meanwhile, Janet attends a meeting with her son Jake to discuss scamming the other housewives into doing an advertisement for her tea company. “Asking them as my girlfriends, I don’t have to pay them!” Janet boasts.

I don’t know if that’s how it works but who am I to argue with Janet? I hope to be a house guest at her Palazzo Versace penthouse one day.

4. Kyla holds a champagne masterclass for the ladies.

If you were thinking Kyla hasn’t mentioned champagne this episode, she was just saving herself for the entire second half of this episode. She is very much back on her bullshit.

The masterclass’s dress code is: I have no fucking idea.

My three different personalities on a first date.

Everyone is invited, including new housewife Anjali, who we got to know a bit more when she visited with Kyla earlier in the episode. Anjali is a hugely successful TV journalist. Don’t believe me? Just ask her! She was an anchor at CNN, but after returning to Australia, she now lives in South Yarra. She’s not British but she sounds very British, apparently because she went to boarding school in the UK.

Anjali has come dressed as a disco octopus. Festive!

She name-drops nonstop. “If she fucked them that would be interesting,” Gamble said in her voxxie. Amen.

Anjali recently came out as bisexual, after being outed by an ex. As soon as Jackie meets Anjali, she vibes her energy and announces “you like men and women”, which is definitely one way to out someone! Thankfully, Anjali is OK with it.

5. Gamble stole Kyla’s sword.

Kyla shows everyone how to open a bottle of champagne and gives the women a tiresome champagne history lesson, while Janet complains she just wants to start drinking. Gamble brought her own beer so she could avoid drinking champagne altogether. She’s terrified of the stuff!

Just when she’s losing the ladies’ attention, Kyla chooses violence: she presents a sword to the group. “Call the police!” I shout at my unresponsive TV screen. “This sword-wielding woman is out of the control!”

Luckily, she doesn’t try to recreate the Red Wedding — even though Gamble is dressed in the appropriate hue. Instead, she slices open her bottle of champagne. Gamble asks if she can open her beer with the sword too, but Kyla refuses to do it.

We’re only on Episode 2 and there’s already some absolute scenes.

Gamble takes matters into her own hands. She grabs the sword herself to attempt to open her beer, but Kyla wrestles it off her. Gamble relents and finds a bottle-opener — the modern woman’s sword, if you will.

“I didn’t find the sword overly dangerous, ” Gamble said afterwards. “It wasn’t like a samurai sword, was it? I don’t even know.”

Maybe you should find out before trying to crack open a stubby with it? Just an idea!

6. Anjali and Gamble fight about… something??

Simone suggests the women play a round of ‘I Have Never’, which is the ‘Never Have I Ever’ equivalent for rich white women who have never been socialised outside of Toorak. Confessions range from cheating to threesomes and rooting on a plane.

Gamble randomly calls out Anjali, when Anjali says she doesn’t have any negative thoughts about the women, as she literally just met most of them. “Bullshit, bullshit!” Gamble yells across the table. She asks Anjali to admit that she’s had bad thoughts about Kyla, hinting at something Anjali has said to her before.

Anjali interjects, “Do you mean the time you were trying to get me to gang up with you against Kyla? Do you mean that time?” Oop! “Wow, you really are full of shit,” Gamble replied, adding, “I roll solo, I have my whole life — I don’t do gangs!”

Anjali is baffled, as am I.

“What the hell was in that beer, Gamble? Oh my god, chill out!” Anjali responds. Gamble storms off. Jackie comes to Gamble’s defence, but Anjali tells the group that after recording a podcast with Gamble, she asked Anjali if she would gang up against Kyla and refer to her as the “smelly-ier” — a play on the word sommelier.

That’s not even funny! Oh wait…

THAT IS VERY FUNNY. We are laughing!

Gamble tells her side of the story to Janet. Gamble says she never mentioned Kyla’s name to Anjali, and she doesn’t know the difference between a podcast or blog. Neither do I.

Gamble and Anjali make up and hug. It’s super genuine, I can feel the emotion.

FRIENDS 4EVA!

The friendship is back on, it’s stronger than ever! I suspect we will hear more about this alleged post-podcast conversation next week when Gamble and Anjali meet up on their own. As Jackie would say, I reckon it’ll get a bit boom booms!

Until then, I hope Kyla learns that while this group of women is known for back-stabbing, bringing a literal sword to an event is probably asking for disaster.

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The Real Housewives of Melbourne is available to watch on Foxtel and Binge.