Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 10

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Things kick off… and we are still in fucking Dubai, the city where housewives permanently scream at one another, and the only travel activities that exist are trying to destroy each others souls. I will ceremoniously rename the city Die-bitch.

In Die-bitch, Pettifleur is checking on Lydia after she was hammered by the girls last night. And no. Not in a good way.

Lydia greets her in a robe and Pettifleur says she has come to cheer her up. What is Lydia expecting?

I don’t know whether Pettifleur provides those kinds of services, but how can she resist?

The two reflect on the night, Lydia is exhausted, Pettifleur feels Lydia’s pain. Lydia still says she doesn’t know what Chyka was on about, regarding the apparent rumour she was spreading.

Lydia says her and Chyka have never had an argument so their falling out must be because of Jackie’s influence. Pettifleur thinks Jackie is stirring and just wants a fight, she is ‘used to fighting around the table.’

Lydia admits she has “spoken about the girls but i don’t think that’s gossip”. This is the definition of gossip.

She blames the night on Jackie opening her mouth, says she wants to stir the pot. Pettfleur says that now she knows more she will backup her up. Despite her knowing and learning nothing.

Afterall all this hoo-ha Lydia still wants to go shopping with everyone; with all the women that currently curse the day she was born. This should go great!

Chyka says that for the last night in Die-bitch, the ladies are visiting the bridge suite at their fancy hotel which is $35,000 dollars a night. Money well spent and definitely could not be put towards feeding the entire nation of Botswana. She’s also bringing jewelers up there to show fancy jewels to the ladies.

All the gals arrive except Lydia and Pettifleur. Gamble asks Chyka how she feels about seeing Lydia. Chyka says Lydia has really hurt her and she is not ready to talk about it yet. Janet says she will hit her with her hand bag. So that’s good. Starting the healing process with violence is helpful.

Gina defends Lydia and says she doesn’t know what rumour they are referring to, then Jackie cuts in and says she’s heard goss from Lydia for two years and continues with this “she ruins families” BS she was selling last ep.

Mid-bitch sesh, enter Lydia and Pettifler. Awkward. The ladies are lovely to Pettifleur- for once. Chyka and Lydia are dressed the same, as if they knew they were going into battle and their military uniform happens to be a turquoise floral kaftan. It’s terrifying.

Lydia says she “almost felt like Chyka didn’t want me there”. Well duh. Lydia decides to sit next to Chyka despite their fight.

Chyka sits silently. Who knows what she’s thinking…

Jewellery lady presents the fancy stones and metals to the rich ladies. Gamble asks the price of a necklace, it’s $1.3 million dollars, another one is $4 million dollars. Lydia thinks you can bargain, as if they are at a Bali night market bartering over Bintang singlets.

Lydia wants to resolve the issue with Chyka, who swiftly responds that she doesn’t want to talk to her tonight, she says she is hurt and that Lydia knows what she has done. But as the problem is in Dubai, Lydia wants to fix it in Dubai.

Pettifleur tries to sort it out with Jackie and Chyka. Great idea! Pettfileur asks Jackie: “How are you feeling about last night? Do you feel responsible for bringing it up?”

What a wonderful insult sandwich. Delicious.

Jackie shuts her down, speaking very loudly that she doesn’t gossip about people. Lydia crashes the convo. Jackie says she doesn’t want to do this and Chyka is not comfortable and they should respect that. Lydia jumps in saying”talking about respect, you’re the one that started this”. Boom.

Jackie and Chyka walk off. Then Jackie tries to tell Lydia that Pettifleur is not her friend and she is not a friend to her, blah blah blah. Lydia says ‘whatever Jackie’. Same.

Stuck in this tiny rich room, Lydia follows Jackie about in circles and they repeat what they each say over and over. It’s a fun game but it’s one clusterfuck of a mess.

As the ladies bid Die-bitch goodbye by standing on a balcony hugging, as they all whisper insults in each others ears.

With that touching send off, we are back in Melbourne. Fucking yes.

Trams. Terrible weather. Burqas are replaced with animal fur.

Janet meets up with ‘happy ending’ Brian. Brian gets her a chardonnay before saying that he only remembers the good between them over the years. He says he wants to come home and in a perfect world they would work out.

Janet says that she likes the idea of her old life going back to how it was, but she is worried it won’t last and it will fall apart again; and they will have to drag their children through the carnage all over again. Brian agrees. That’s it?

Now what? What does that mean? No more Brian?

We are now with Jackie and professional rockstar Ben, they are visiting a fertility specialist. They are both nervous. Jackie says as she is 35 years old and nearing her death bed, she wonders how much time she has to have baby. Jackie spoke to her angels and they said she will be fine, so that’s as good as any test. But Jackie worries the doctor might tell her ‘your eggs aren’t that good’. I thinks those are the medical terms.

The baby doctor asks if she has had biological problems and questions her about her period. She says she has had them. Cool. Ben talks about her ‘period app’. He thinks the app controls her period and asks the app for a baby next.

They are asked about contraception. Ben says “we use an interesting form of contraception”. No one knows what they are referring to, but knowing Jackie she probs just asks her angels to wear a rubber before pound time.

Doctor says he is going to check her uterus and ovaries, and Ben’s sperm. He asks Ben when he last ejaculated- these are things we shouldn’t be seeing or hearing. Ben answers “I have restrained for the last 48 hours”. That’s father material, right there.

He leads Ben to ‘the specimen room’. Jackie join him to give him “a helping hand”.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Let us leave right this minute and join Lydia and Janet for lunch in St Kilda. They compliment each other over and over to avoid any real meaningful dialogue. Janet asks her “what was your highlight of Dubai?”, with a massive bitchface on. Lydia replies it was having all the girls there… to err yell at her?

She says again that she doesn’t know what she has done to Chyka. Janet stares back blankly. Janet replies that if she thinks she can deny it, she is wrong, as she waves about a knife in Lydia’s confused face. She will cut that bitch and she needs to fess up. Lydia says there is nothing to confess.

Gina arrives and tries to explain to Lydia that she told Gina herself what was said and why Chyka is upset. Lydia deflects all blame and says everyone is ganging up on her. Janet makes some metaphor about Lydia drowning in feces. Charming stuff.

Lydia thinks Janet is in fact the Miss Gossip of the group. Lydia storms out. Gina says to Janet ‘karma’s a bitch and she knows where you live’. She wonders whether karma delivers via Menulog.

Back at the fertility clinic to hear about Jackie’s and Ben’s test on their baby gravy. They are nervous. Ben is worried his boys and girls swimming technique is only doing a dog paddle. Jackie is regretting coming.

Doctor says that Jackie’s eggs are like her in her 20’s- so her eggs are drinking goon, slut-dropping and pashing face with a bass player from a Bon Jovi cover band.

Ben’s sperms are apparently also going for gold. Ben asks if he “has a sack full of Phelps?” The doctor wants them to leave.

As we exit that disturbing image, we go to Lydia’s house and FIGARO IS BACK.

She missed him.

He feels the same.

Lydia’s mum is over with slave-girl Joanna.  She has brought over artichokes, olives, and cured meats. Lydia bosses Joanna around, tells her to get bowls and a board.  Lydia says “she learns so much. It’s so good for her”. Yep, because learning how to dress an antipasto platter is a need-to-know survival skill.

Lydia’s brother John comes over, she says: “My relationship with my brother John, it’s really real”. Great! Unlike my imaginary relationship with my younger brother Sergeant von Tickle-Pants.

They are chatting about her mums upcoming birthday party. Mum and bro ask if she is going to invite any of the girls, Lydia replies she will invite only Pettifleur, Gamble and Gina. The mum wants her party to have a theme, Lydia wants ‘Capri’ while the bro wants ‘Sicilian’.

THESE ARE NOT THEMES. What happened to traditional themes, such as Pimps and Hoes, hey?

At Gina’s house. Gina is talking with holistic life coach Teymara about her perfume launch.

THAT IS THE WHITEST SENTENCE TO EVER TAKE FORM ON A PAGE.

Teymara reckons Gina is on the planet to make a difference and is in the same ‘soul group’ as Lionel Richie. Teymara is Lionel Richie obsessed. She changes every topic to Lionel. Gina thinks she has a lot of followers. Not as many as Lionel.

At Chyka’s Glasshouse, which is opening tonight and REMEMBER Eddie Maguire was involved. All the girls arrive in a limo together and they are already drinking. Pettifleur is dressed like Big Bird dated a chainsaw.

They all cheers to having a night drama free!!!

Good luck.

Lydia says to Gamble that she has texted Chyka and they have spoken but they aren’t going to discuss it tonight. Jackie thinks this is a lie. Janet says they haven’t spoke. Lydia says ‘we’ve decided’ – as in Chyka and her – that they won’t discuss it with everyone.

All signs point to Lydia having a sock puppet she has renamed ‘Chyka’, to whom she tells her deepest darkest secrets.

Pettifleur says for the gals to leave Lydia alone. Susie is there and speaks words. Pettifleur says she will stand by Lydia. Gamble and Gina don’t like that Pettifleur is clicking at them, they get in her grill. Lydia does not defend Pettifleur and stands there silently as she fights her war.

Chyka arrives and even hugs Lydia. Jackie pulls Chyka aside and asks if she has spoken to Lydia, Chyka says she “hasn’t physically spoken to her”. This doesn’t rule out speaking to Lydia by channeling her energy through Lydia’s sock puppet.

‘Lydia, you know what you did!’

Yay! Wolfie is there. Gamble has her plate setting which says ‘Gamble Wolf’. Cute!

Gamble and Gina sit together and are seemingly bossom buddies once more, she tells Wolfie that Gamble is the most beautiful women ever and that she wants to marry Gamble herself.

On the other side of the wall, in East Berlin it’s much colder. Pettifleur tells Lydia she felt she had no support despite standing up for her.

Lydia says she deals with things differently and didn’t want to bark like Pettifleur. Pettifleur says she is questioning her friendship, to which Lydia responds: “shut up, shut up, you’re an idiot”.

All of a sudden, Lydia cracks it and tells her to ‘fuck off’, it’s very loud and dramatic. Pettifleur storms off. The girls are shocked that Lydia just sent away her biggest supporter. Lydia opens her handbag and slowly pulls out her Chyka sock puppet. She promises she will never leave her.

They can sort through anything together.