Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 11

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Finale tyyyyyyyme!

We left the girls with Pettifleur storming off, leaving Lydia sitting at the table friendless, this was after Pettifleur defended Lydia to all the gals. Lydia thanked her by telling her to fuck off and calling her an idiot.

Now Pettifleur and her beautiful sister Gillian are sitting in a park. Pettifleur’s makeup is totally underdone as per uze, her lips are bright purple like she has just come from giving Grimace a gobby.

The sisters still act like they have met twice. They complimented each other over and over then sit in silence.

They seem to speak different languages but speak awkward fluently. Pettifleur says she missed her sister but she was hurt by Gillian telling her she was ‘up herself’ and too self-involved. Pettifleur thinks hearing what her siss really thinks of her was a wakeup call. She says all of this while wearing a #SwitchTheBitch t-shirt. What a humble creature she is.

At Lydia’s house for her mothers 69th b’day, Lydia send her positive wishes by telling her mum that her makeup is an ugo apocalypse.  Pettifleur, Gamble and Gina arrive. The day is fairly uneventful until Lydia brings in two donkeys.

For some reason the donkeys are dressed as Parisian strippers. They dance for some cash for their French donkey families. Figaro dresses to match to avoid being upstaged. He looks fabulous.

Lydia introduces her bro to Gina who quickly drops every television appearance she has ever had within seconds of their convo. Brother John regrets speaking to people.

Gina asks if Lydia has spoken to the girls about the drama. Lydia says she plans to talk to Chyka by herself. Gamble mentions Jackie said Lydia has bitched about everyone. Lydia thinks everyone gossips, so what’s the big whoop.

Gina thinks she should say nothing instead of gossiping but then admits Lydia is daft rather than malicious in her intent. So that’s nice.

At Jackie’s house, Susie arrives for a ghost-chat A.K.A a reading. Susie changed her outfit 14 times, so she looks hot AF for her deceased spirits. Jackie says her readings will be positive. Susie has to write as Jackie shouts out random words.

Rosie her grandmother is there and says ‘what up’. Susie laps it up and cries her face off. Susie learns she will marry a Jewish American, so that narrows her man-search down to around 4 million, which is encouraging.

Now we visit Gina at her place, with this masterpiece hanging on the wall.

It wants the blood of your first born.

Gina is getting ready for her ‘Gina’ fragrance launch. Hopeless PA Josh is there. He asks what perfume she will wear for the evening…

WHO FUCKING KNOWS, JOSH?!

Gina sprays perfume in his mouth to quiet him down. She then sends Josh away to steam clean her dress, he wanders about and returns to her like a dog wanting a treat, she tells him he hasn’t steamed her dress and sends him away once more.

Josh is confused.

Gina says she would be lost without Josh. But Josh is generally lost in life.

Jackie and Janet catch up for HOOCH TIME. Jackie tells Janet that she has damn good baby gravy and her eggs are young, footloose and fancy free. Jackie is leaving her conception up to the angels. Janet thinks you can pick what star sign your child will have, like your picking an icecream flavour. Jackie asks for a Capricorn filled with rum n raisin.

At their upcoming dinner, Jackie plans on speaking to Lydia. Janet bitches saying that Lydia has nothing in her life and she is sick of hearing about when Figaro has a new jumper.

Speak for yo’self, Janet!

Jackie plans to smash Lydia with the truth; hopefully she doesn’t use her fists.

We arrive at Gina’s fragrance launch. Gamble is excited to see what Gina smells like and wants to bath in her scent.

Pettifleur says she is tired of Lydia letting her down. Cue, Lydia arriving and she matched her handbag to Pettifleur green Grinch lips. They have similar hair and she accuses Lydia of stealing her look. We have our first Lydiaism of the night with:

“Really Pettifleur? Stop wanking over yourself,” she says. Lovely.

Pettifleur and Gamble are BFF’s right now apparently, because they love fighting with one another. There is a fine line between love and hate and that line is immersed in a fuck-load of Moet Chandon.

Susie tells Lydia privately that Pettifleur is still angry. Lydia thinks the cure for this is for her to take vitamins or stays home to knit. Susie has no clue what Lydia is on about, like the rest of us.

Gina arrives being led in by two handsome men. They would make a fabulous drag act. We hear Gina’s speech, it goes forever and we all age 15 years. Despite her long list of people to thank, no one thanks Josh. Despite his generally confused exterior, he dies a little inside.

Gamble tells Gina she sprayed her perfume up her who-ha. How touching. Everyone chats about their fave sex shops. Gina tries to include Susie, who is dull as a doorknob and only has tools in her toolbox.

At Waterfront, Lydia and Chyka meet before the party. They greet each other warmly. Suspiciously promising start.

Chyka says she wants to explain how she was in Dubai. She says she has heard for a long time about Lydia’s gossiping and she could’t stand it any longer. Lydia says their friendship has changed since Jackie was on the scene. But Chyka hits back that what she has heard was not from Jackie.

Lydia starts to harp on about Jackie saying nasty things about her. Chyka struggles to get a word in. Eventually Chyka says she will be more upfront with her and wants them to be friends again. It seems like it’s somehow ended with Chyka admitting her wrongdoing. Damn it Chyks, don’t go back to Switzerland.

Lydia wins this round.

They cheers to a long-lasting friendship of five minutes.

All the gals arrive for the dinner. They ask each other about their favourite kinds of sex mirrors. The girls speculate about where Chyka and Lydia are and suspect murder.

The two arrive together. They have possibly been testing out sex mirrors. They announce they are friends again, before Jackie ruins everything and asks if they had discussed her in their reconciliation.

Thanks-a-fucking-lot Jackie. We were so close to a ceasefire.

Lydia says Jackie is a troublemaker.  They call each other liars over and over. Lydia doesn’t trust her or car salesmen.

Jackie threatens: “if you want to call me a liar, then you will be the last person to call me a liar.”

Sounds like Jackie is going to murder Lydia with her butter knife. This shit got dark. Gamble’s face says it all.

Jackie lays her ‘truth’ on the table, spills all the sins Lydia has said and done, these include saying: Gina’s partner hit on her; Pettifleur’s partner is weird; Gamble is a sex addict (is this an insult?); and Janet has had affairs.

She also reckons that Lydia apparently hit on her professional rockstar husband Ben. To be honest, Ben would be lucky to get such a sexy minx like Lydia. In trying to bad-name Lydia, Jackie calls Gamble’s Wolfie an old man and says that Lydia wouldn’t get with him as he isn’t ‘hot and rich’ like her err…Ben.

Gamble snaps back at Jackie regarding Ben- “I really don’t think she wants to fuck your husband”. Indeed.

Susie speaks to remind Lydia who she is and that she went to her wedding.

Lydia thinks she doesn’t remember everything she says and does, as she has pre-dementia. Jackie announces she will drive her to get an MRI to check. It’s some weird AF rich white lady smack talk.

All of a sudden Jackie says they “should talk about the affair you have”. Lydia asks what affairs, which Jackie alludes to something apparently happened at the Logies.

DID LYDIA HOOKED UP WITH A LOGIE? Ouch.

Chyka interjects, telling Jackie to pipe down as she is talking about someone’s marriage. Everyone thinks Jackie is going too far.

Jackie then tears into Lydia about her treatment of Pettifleur. Janet and Gina agree Lydia needs to own what she said and apologise.

Lydia butts in, saying: ‘Can I spock??’

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Lydia starts to apologise, well kinda, but then she says she is a okay person and will apologise when she wants.

Pettifleur responds that she sucks as a friend. Then we are gifted with another Lydiaism, with her biting back:

“Go suck on your own fucking head!”

AND BOOM. The night turns into madness and disarray, as the women yell slurs across the table, while mumbling to themselves in code. Pettifleur switches all the bitches off. Lydia forgets who Susie is again. Chyka deletes all their phone numbers and their faces from her memory. They agree to never speak again.

“Every one go fuck yourselves,” shouts Gina, as the restaurant blows up into pieces of ruble.

Only Gamble survives.

We the viewers are left with these summaries since the show wrapped up and here is the jist:

Pettifleur is still obsessed with herself- duh. Susie won’t be inviting Lydia to her hypothetical wedding. Chyka is going to start hangs with her daughters friends and relive her youth. Gina still thinks she is a single name celebrity and a barrister. Janet is loving being single and visiting Thai massage parlours. Jackie is having a baby and she probably won’t be calling it Lydia. Gamble loves Wolfie and also Pettfileur…for now.

Finally, since the show ended Lydia only speaks to one bitch out of the bunch and it’s…

FIGARO.

Thanks rich ladies, it’s been real. Figaro, you will be missed. We’ll always have Paris.

‘Please, help me’