Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 3

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OUR BELOVED WOLF PUP IS BACK. We open at Gamble’s house with Wolfie and her stepson Luke. They are discussing Pettifleur. Wolfie likes her for some reason despite how she treats Gamble. Does he watch this show? Gamble says: “She can be lovely but just not to me”.

Luke replies: “Why don’t we put her in the freezer with Janet?” Whaaaat?

JANET’S DEAD?

JANET’S DISMEMBERED BODY IS IN THE FREEZER?

AND PETTIFLEUR MAY BE THIS MURDEROUS FAMILY’S NEXT VICTIM?

Oh.

janet

Good. Carry on.

Luke announces proudly that they keep the photo of Janet under the frozen peas while Gamble gloats, “She hasn’t caused me any trouble since I put her in the freezer!” This is either wacko insane or some superior level of voodoo.

She chats about the wedding and calls Wolfie a ‘passenger’ rather than a driver. He finds out that he will be getting married on a beach soon after he finds out he is marrying Gamble.

Gamble says he will be paying. They decide to have a giant cake that no one will eat because WOMEN, amiright?

Stepson Luke talks dating life and who he will bring to the wedding, they talk sex parties, family time and all dat.

Wolfie gets all Dr Phil and says Gamble should invite Pettifleur, but Luke and Gamble agree that Pettfleur is a ‘massive dairy cow’. But what will she decide? Stay tuned.

We are with Gina as she rocks up at Bondi Perfume Co with hopeless PA Josh, meeting with Chemist Warehouse over her new fragrance. Gina suggests the perfume be filled with garlic to warn off vampires. They shut her down. She then thinks it should smell like mandarins, pinapples, bananas and coconut to warn off good taste.

But now Josh is expected to know something. JOSH DIDN’T BRING HIS GOD DAMN PHONE??

Bad Josh!

josh

He doesn’t understand anything the CW people are saying. He likens perfume to the weather.

Gina wants to run with her theme of ‘fearless’ for her fragrance but it’s already taken. Josh suggests doing it in Italian instead. They like the idea.

Good Josh!

josh

Gina thinks her fragrance should not target a specific gender and be unisex. She suggests she should sell herself as a drag queen. She is soo damn self-aware it’s jaw-dropping.

DAMN, SHE KNOWS HER SHIT!

We are at Pettifleur’s house now with her GORGEOUS big sister Gillian. Their jeans and genes are too goooood. Turns out the sisters aren’t as close as they once were – they compliment one another over and over again to remedy this – which turns into Gillian saying Pettifleur was once a porker.

They exchange in the most awkward family banter of all time. HAVE YOU TWO MET?

The tension is immense, they talk about how they don’t talk much anymore, sister Gillian is passive aggressive AF. She says she wants Pettifleur to be “normal and natural”. Okay they DEFINITELY haven’t met.

Gillian tells Pettifleur that she is ‘up herself’. Pettifleur doesn’t know where Gillian works, even though she has worked there 8 years. Pettifleur explains she can’t remember EVERYTHING. Fair enough.

They clash over and over and call a truce which means nothing. They agree to meet again and say goodbye forever.

We are with Jackie now visiting Chyka at her house for chats and champers. They talk about having babies and whether Jackie saying she might not be ready in this part of her life is selfish. Well off course it is! The life of her hypothetical unborn baby is much more important than her own!

Chyka is lovely and being Chyka. Ben wants the babies. Chyka says Jackie will be an amazing mother and should go for it. Jackie cries and decides to ‘get on with it’. She chucks in that she has E-cup boobs, because why the hell not.

Great! IT’S DECIDED. Chyka will carry her unborn child.

Back at Lydia’s house and Joanna delivers tea and cleans because her master requests so. Master Lydia asks Joanna if she ever takes a break and reads, she says: ‘No, you’d sack me’. Damn straight. Back to work!

Lydia says she wants to teach Joanna how to live and even Figaro is thinking, is this chick fo realz?

Porsche man from last episode delivers new Porsche – bought from Andrew because MONEY. It’s shiny and worth more than my entire family and very expensive cat combined. Porsche guy calls Lydia a “sexy mama”. (Vom break) Porsche guy hints that he put his address in the car’s system, suggest Lydia come to his house for THE SEX. They talk about the suspension of the car thing being stiff. It’s some awful dirty car talk. Even Figaro is blushing.

figaroo blush

Lydia strokes Joanna’s hair like the good slave-daughter she is, before she says that Joanna’s driving is so bad that she sometimes wants to go “chong chong” and Lydia says to go “ching ching”. This isn’t even casual racism. It’s fucking just racism. LYDIOT! STAHP.

Janet meets up with her stepdaughter Fiora – yes, that’s Fio-ra – who seems super normal. They discuss Tinder. Again, super normal.

Fiora grills Janet, want her to go back with her dad – dad BRIAN. She calls them two peas in a pod. Janet says: ‘We’re not two peas in a pod, we are 3, 4, 5 peas”. Great metaphorical slam, Janet.

It’s all very touching and lovely until the mental image of Brian’s happy ending is re-positioned in all our minds. Get out, get out, get ouuuuuut.

Now Gamble is having everyone, that’s EVERYONE over for drinks. Smashing plan! Brian is taking Janet there – WHAT ARE YOU DOING JANET? Gamble asks if Janet is bringing Brian to her wedding and somehow invites him – leading to the longest awkward silence since the dawn of time. Love your work Gamble. Shit stirrer from 1972.

Gamble and Pettifleur hug. FRIENDSHIP. Lydia arrives patting Pettifleur on the head like a dog.

Gamble and Lydia leave the group for secrets time. Lydia suggests Gamble has a makeover for her wedding, basically calls her face and general sense of fashion garbage. They joke about Pettifleur working out too much. Gamble says Pettifleur might be becoming ‘transgender’, baffling the world over. Is she saying being transgender is an insult or does she actually think it is something that happens to women when they exercise? Either way, it’s awful.

The girls bitch about how ‘rude’ the two are for changing rooms in Gamble’s own house. They talk about how Pettifleur should approach Gamble to be friends. Janet says AGAIN that Lydia is using Gamble. Jackie says Lydia has ‘flavours of the month’ and right now she is craving gamblelicious.

Lydia says she is shocked that all the girls went horse riding when she also knows about horses existing. She was also ‘devastated’ to hear they bitched about her. But who told her? How does she know all this? Next time on Serial.

From who ever this could be, she heard Chyka doesn’t even like her. They are baffled at the thought Chyka has ever had an opinion. Gamble lands a damn fine joke saying Chyka would even ask “Hitler, do you need catering?”

Gina arrives and then Lydia and Pettifleur go for a private chat a.k.a UFC fighting championship. Lydia apologises for telling Gamble about their private convo, before saying she did it as she invests time in mending friendship or some confusing mumbo jumbo nothing. Pettifleur calls bullshit.

She says that Lydia hasn’t called her and flicked her off for Gamble. Lydia says she doesn’t believe in phone calls. Lydia helps the matter by saying to Pettifleur that she was the one that sided with her and that everyone else talks about her behind her back and no one likes her.

N.A.S.T.Y P.A.S.T.Y.

We are timewarped back to year eight P.E class as they bring Jackie in to settle things down. BRILLIANT. Pettifleur wants to clarify whether everyone hates her guts. Jackie says in her defense, the only things she said was that she’s: “annoying and full of shit”. No biggie.

They all agree on one thing. Pettifleur is annoying. PROGRESS.

Jackie announces the friendship is over with Lydia. They return to the group and Jackie tells everyone Lydia has said they all badmouth Pettifleur – which they do – and ladies be pisssssed. Gamble backs up Lydia. Chyka is shocked anyone would think she would say anything ever.

Gamble makes everyone go out to the deck, she announces she is getting married in Byron Bay. She invites everyone INCLUDING Pettifleur. But, guess what…Pettifleur gives her invite back.

She says Gamble should think about it more. Gamble, being Gamble replies “Okay I’ve thought about it…get fucked!” and throws the invite over the balcony. It’s on!!

We are heading into World War III for the next ep. Bring ya hard hats.