Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 5

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We open in Byron Bay – i.e look at all the rich and tanned poshos. Gamble and Wolfie are casually in front of a lighthouse, for some reason.

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Wolfie is wearing a Hawaiian print shirt, which would usually be a crime against fashion but damn he looks adorable.

Pulling. It. Off.

wolfie shirt

Wolfie tells Gamble he is getting crazy bills for fancy cutlery from Alin. Gamble says Alin has organised chandeliers to come over from Sydney. There are bills coming in from everywhere for things they have bought. CRAY-ZAY.

After freaking out about costs, Gamble says: “Maybe next time, I’ll know.” What’s that Gamble? SHOWED YOUR HAND THERE, LOVE.

They are being cute and sweet together, until Gamble brings up the P-word. No, not pole dancing… it’s the prenup. Gamble says she hasn’t received the paperwork from his lawyer. Wolfie says, talking about prenups, it is ‘so unromantic’, but what he really means is: ‘KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF MY MONEY SEA WENCH!’

Gamble wants to organise the prenup right now, she eventually convinces him that prenups are in fact super romantic.

Back in Melbourne, Gina is organising her wedding outfits because after all it’s Gina’s BIG DAY. She has chosen hopeless PA Josh to help for some unbeknownst reason.

Gina says she will be the pseudo-celebrant in the wedding – not official. She is trying to sort through her closet and thinks Josh can help. Josh again, doesn’t know anything.

Josh doesn’t know the colour pink. Josh doesn’t know what a handbag is. Josh is confused by the world in general.

josh packing

Come on, Josh. Make better life choices!

The ladies arrive at The Byron at Byron Resort. Everyone is dressed up in every outfit that J-LO wears in ‘Love Don’t Cost a Thing’. It’s impressive how well they have coordinated.

Gina leaves to prepare for the rehearsal with Gamble. Gina hates the idea of a beach wedding because she suspects her precious fortress of fake tan will be defeated by the evil sand man. First world problems.

They get down to the beach. Gina doesn’t know what she is there for. Alin doesn’t know anything about the wedding. Gamble doesn’t know that rain exists.  Luke is more helpful then everyone combined.

As they find out there will be thunderstorms, everyone freaks the fig out. Alin says he will pray to the wedding gods and just ‘wing it’. BRILLIANT. Gamble is in safe hands. He is the best wedding planner of all time. Gina gives Alin daggers.

On the beach, the ladies are still wearing stilettos. Gamble says they are “looking like ducks”. You know, when ducks wear heels in sand.

shoes in sand

All the gals meet up – minus Janet – Gina reminds Gamble a marriage is ‘forever’. Yep, sure. That’s cute.

Gamble tells everyone about the wedding forecast and that Alin has no plan b. All the girls freak out. Chyka scolds poor little Gamble. But never fear, Gamble says that the wedding is on her ‘visualization board’. She’ll just add a sun picture shining over the wedding and a couple of telletubbies. So it’s a done deal. Wedding. Saved.

Jackie reminds everyone she is psychic but then refuses to be a psychic and predict stuff for Gamble’s wedding. Come on Jack, Jack, Jackie!

Gamble says “a percentage of Jackie’s vibes are pointing out the obvious”. Shade. Jackie finally says she has spoken to her angels from the universe to discover that the…”wedding needs to be more organised”.

IS THAT YOU, GOD?

Gamble asks, did she pick that up on the Wi-Fi? Gamble is on tonight. She is Australia’s next Letterman.

Lydia and Gamble gab on about Jackie. Lydia says Jackie wants payment for her visions before presenting us with another of her nonsensical Lydiaism.

lyd butcher

Life lesson, learnt.

Gina chucks in a plug for the Celebrity Apprentice. You know… that show she was on for 5 seconds before she left and then came back to boss people around and reject a PERFECTLY FINE sandwich, or whatever.

Gina wants to watch the show the night before Gamble is to be wed. Chyka and Jackie think Gina is stealing her thunder.

Pettifleur tells Susie that she is surprised the beach wedding is on the beach. Pettifleur says she ‘does not do barefoot’, meaning she was born with stiletto hooves morphed upon her feet. Susie thinks she is the anti-christ.

It’s the day before and Gamble is moving her boobs about as they try to move independently from her body. Gina ‘fixes her nipples’. As Gamble screams out in pain, we can only assume Gina has performed some kind of black nipple magic.

The gals chat with Gamble’s mum. Pettifleur is surprised a woman that could give birth to Gamble a.k.a spawn of Satan, could be soo nice and beautiful. Ouch. Such a shady lady. Whose wedding you at again, P-dawg?

Jackie talks about wanting a baby again – to bring her storyline back into relevancy. She asks the girls if they liked being pregnant. Pettifleur tells us she used to do the pull out method.

Sexpert Lydia said this sounds messy. Jackie think Gina’s tanned her child from birth when she actually pushed her babies head in its own poop.

Everyone is sharing vomit and poo stories, Jackie is dry-heaving – as are we all.

Steve the celebrant arrives. He asked if Wolfie and Gamble have written vows. A question that perplexes Gamble, “are we supposed to?” she queries.

She gets funeral and wedding vows confused.

I don’t know what kind of funerals she attends? But wait, Gamble’s nipples are back! She flashes some boob and all is well again.

It’s the night before and the weather is FUCKED. They are at the Beach Hotel. Pettifleur seems personally delighted at the fact that Gamble’s wedding might be rained in. Lydia says that if a “bride has wet hair she will look like a rat with wet hair”. True that Lydia, but what about a cat with wet hair? Or a bat with wet hair? Before we turn into a Dr Seuss riddle, Janet arrives.

They drill Janet about Brian. Janet says she might want him back. WAIT. WHAT?

At least they’ll start saving money from Brian’s usual budget of happy endings.

Lydia wants to explain herself to Pettifleur. She apologies and is being legit earnest and lovely. Pettifleur accepts because she has friends for life, but warning Lydia “don’t fuck up”.

Lydia tells us that her husband Andrew has been very ill, after getting bitten by a mosquito he contracted endocarditis, an infection in the blood. Lydia says she thought she would become a widow and she considered the horrible notion of telling her children that their dad could die. It’s super sad and with that BAM, Lydia has won me back.

Jackie drops in on their convo at the worst time a.k.a pulls ‘a Jackie’. Lydia is pissed but says she misses Jackie’s friendship. Says she was very aggressive with her at Susie’s. Wants old Jackie back- that was apparently more pleasant. What show was she watching? Pettifleur tries to help and Jackie tells her to fuck off, saying:

Lydia gets lost in the thought of a three way, while Jackie and Pettifleur fight about who is attacking who, as they both attack each other. Jackie says she thinks Lydia flip-flops and talks behind peoples back. Thinks she must do it to her too.

Lydia is still thinking about three ways.

A random hot Italian dude, Marcello is paid by producers to bring Susie a drink – poor Susie, this is legit her only storyline in the whole damn ep. She deliberates breaking up the wedding tomorrow by announcing she is carrying Wolfie’s love-child, just to get more screen time.

The weather goes mental but it gets worse, GINA IS LEAVING. She tells Gamble she is going early to see her boys but we know she is lying through her veneers and is in fact leaving to watch herself on Celebrity Apprentice. Every one is pissed Gina left early. Gamble cries. NO BAMBI, NO.

IT’S THE WEDDING DAY.

Gamble hates her perfectly fine table. Alin argues with the manager. Alin has just broken up with his “girlfriend” – take with that what you will.

Janet and Jackie start drinking earl-lay in their hotel room. Jackie brings up that Gina left early for the Celebrity Apprentice. Janet says that she saw Gina lead party guests away to her ‘premiere party’ to watch it and she “didn’t even invite the bride”. Even Alin went- as he finally scores the worst wedding planner prize, he’s worked so hard to achieve.

The girls are pissed. “Is Gina getting a big head,” Janet wonders. Has Janet seen Gina’s head? You can see that noggin from space.

Gina and Gamble are talking prenup. Gina is surprised Gamble was upset she left.

Gina goes through literally every single tweet that mentioned her on Celebrity Apprentice. Gina says she was just called in to help with ratings. Gina says Mark Bouris should bow to her feet. Gina tells Gina how wonderful Gina is. Gina agrees.

In the mean time Gamble is trying to ask a couple of silly questions about, you know, her wedding day, which is, you know… RIGHT FUCKING NOW, GINA!

Gamble gets to see her dress for the first time. Opens the dress of pearls. Gamble loses her shit, loves it but thinks it might explode. I don’t think she knows what pearls are. Every one is confused. Plus the fact that Gamble is only seeing her wedding dress on her actual wedding day is legit every woman’s worst nightmare.

Wolfie and Luke chat about life being more complete with Gamble. Luke can even dress himself. His a wolf-man now.

Wedding time. All the girls are struggling to walk in heels. Sworn enemies Susie and Lydia hold hands while they walk, which is creepy and bizarre. Pettifleur is dressed ridiculously as per uze.

Off course you did, Pettifleur. You wore a fucking ball gown to another woman’s wedding. Bitches get shot for less then that.

They go through the process, the vows and all. It’s lovely and they are pronounced wolf and wife. It’s all happy and too nice.

I’m not crying. You’re crying. No, Chyka is crying!

As Gina stands up the front as pseudo-celebrant, reading vows from a book, Gina mutters under her breath…

‘LOOK AT ME NOW MARK BOURIS!

Check out these team leadership skills!

NOW, WHO’S THE MOTHER FUCKING HOST, FUCK BOI BOURIS?’

Nicely played, Gina.