Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 6

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We join the wedding party still in Byron Bay. Lydia says: “How good does Gina look tonight!”. Poor Lydia got confused. The wedding was for G-A-M-B-L-E.

But who can blame her, they basically share a single human form.

The new Wolfe’s are introduced. Gamble announces it’s time to PAR-TAY.

Ooh look, Ben the professional rockstar is there. Oh wait. It’s actually Johnny Depp. Lame. Jog on, Captain!

Chyka asks Susie about Marcello – the man that spoke to her last ep. Susie says they were texting up LATE. What a floozy. But she doesn’t know how to text and sound cool or what emojis to use. Come on Susie, just request a cheeky dick pic – that’s sure to spice up the convo. She arranges to see him again and counts the minutes until he responds.

We’re now with Janet, Brian and Lydia. Lydia asks Brian “why are you so horny all the time?” as Janet says he is ready for it all the time. Lydia brings up why he needs so much Viagra. It’s some cringey wedding convo.

Janet’s face says it all.

janet brian face

Janet is worried he will take Lydia home. Aren’t we all. Jackie asks if Brian ever cheated on Janet. Brian says ‘no’ before he brings up the happy ending AGAIN.

He clearly doesn’t seem to know what cheating is. He talks the ladies through his happy ending. The girls are horrified but he wont stop talking and explaining until Lydia literally sends him away – calling out for him to go find his Viagra draw.

Turns out Lydia is not keen on old men. As only Lydia would say:

lydia brian meme

Looks like we are back talking about whether Gina did or did not watch The Celebrity Apprentice instead of stay at Gamble’s party. Chyka and Susie interrogate a man with the unfortunate name of Bodie. They ask him why he came out of Gina’s room, they get out of him that he was watching the Celebrity Apprentice. GOTCHA.

They treat him like some rotten crim, before they ask if wedding planner Alin was there. Bodie say he was not.

TELL THE TRUTH OR WE WILL PUT YOUR ASS IN THE SLAMMER, CHUMP.

Bodie confirms a few people were at Gina’s party.

Now Janet and Jackie interrogate Alin. He says he didn’t go to Gina’s party. But he happened to be watching The Celebrity Apprentice with other friends. How fucking convenient. LIKELY STORY ALIN. But he says he knows Gina watched The Celebrity Apprentice with her sons. They squeeze out of him that Gina had invited other people. The case is blown wide open.

Janet ensures Alin: “If you weren’t there you have nothing to worry about”. This has seriously evolved into an episode of Making a Murderer, or should we say Watching an Apprentice.

Gina asks Gamble if she heard ‘the rumour’ that Gina threw a premiere night for The Celebrity Apprentice. Gamble confirms she has. Gina says it’s ‘nonsense’ and that they didn’t watch it and just came back and had cake. Gina says she wouldn’t have a party without her and just thinks someone is trying to stir shit up.

Janet starts to compile her list of ‘evidence’ and by evidence she means some shit a bunch of randos said.

But wait the sky has opened and swallowed the wedding party whole so everyone heads inside. They do a toast to the happy couple a.k.a THANKS FOR ALL THE FREE HOOCH.

Stepson Luke does his speech – he says he hated Gamble at first until she brought tons of booze into their house. Touching stuff. Really lovely.

Gamble speaks, talking about her troubled past. Gamble thanks her mum and says Luke is the perfect son, “I didn’t have my own son, so you’re it,” as Luke mouths, “I didn’t have a mum…Now I do“.

Too many feels.

Just when everyone is happy, Janet brings up ‘the rumour’ with Gina. Fucking hell Janet, do you ever learn. Remember this?

Obvs not. Round two. Ding ding.

Janet asks Gina if she had a Celebrity Apprentice party. Janet says that they have verified that Bodie went and Alin says Gina invited him. They say Gamble was disappointed. Gina says she ate cake but did not watch the show. But then she says that her sons MADE HER WATCH IT.  Then Gina changes her story saying the watched the WHOLE SHOW without even eating cake.

Why would they not eat cake first, the detectives query. And if she didn’t do the cake until 11pm, why didn’t she stay at the party?

CAKE IS THE PERFECT ACCOMPANIMENT TO SWEATY CELEBRITY EGOS.

Something sounds fishy! We should be worried about Gina’s health…

Before anyone can question Gina over the inconsistencies in her story, she says she is allowed to watch what she wants, and fires back: “How about you all go fuck yourselves,” before she storms away. Lovely. The Gina we know and love is BACK, BABY.

After the excitement in Byron Bay, we head back to Melbourne, where Janet is meeting up with Jackie. Jackie is nauseous so she is definitely pregnant.

They gab on about how Gamble feels about Gina. Jackie says she would of flipped if it was her.

Jackie says Gina only thinks about herself. They talk about Susie, who tells them Marcello is coming to Melbourne. Janet is planning a double date. This will end well.

Susie is with her sons Rupert and Monty. Rupert is doing a driving lesson in a mother fucking Porsche. They make lols about their mums age. The kids are being dicks. She tells them about Marcello. We have Jay Leno in the back seat cracking punch lines. They’re excited to meet their new Italian papa.

Gina goes to see her dad at a retirement home, he has dementia. They real-talk. It’s nice. She gives him her autobiography, showing him old photos, some pictures he doesn’t recognize. It’s bloody sad. Gina says she wished she visited him more and she might regret that later in life.

We catch up with Chessie, she is complaining to parents Bruce and Chyka that she wants to drop out of uni. Chessie not motivated. Chessie bored. Chessie not happy. Chessie 21. Chessie ridiculously rich. Chessie needs to check her privilege.

Janet and Susie arrive for their double date with Christopher and Marcello. They create a secret code of pulling an ear to leave room. If the date doesn’t work out they agree to become lesbian lovers and rid the earth of men.

The dreaded men arrive. Janet tells Christopher that they met Marcello at Gamble’s wedding and Christopher is shocked he didn’t get an invite. Steady on, mate. You’ve only just existed.

Janet asks Marcello question after question. They try to drag conversation out of him. He has trouble speaking words.

Do you have any children Marcello?

No

Have you ever been married Marcello?

No.

Christopher brings up infant formula, which becomes the most exciting topic of the evening. Marcello looks like he is in physical pain just being in their presence. Janet asks if Christopher is taking any medication for his rubbish personality. He says no and she encourage him to pop a pill at dinner. So. Much. Awkward.

Marcello attempts to suffocate himself in his bread, to escape a world where this awful dinner could take place.

marcello eating

But wait, Janet says Marcello was staring at Susie’s boobalas. She calls him out on it and asks if he was, for which he unashamedly responds: ‘Yes.”

WHAT’S ITALIAN FOR DICK-TWAT?

They eat oysters. Marcello’s tells us his last girlfirend was 24, he asks Susie how old she is, which is something no human does. Marcello eats food like he’s come from a famine. Christopher leaves and Janet asks what they think of him. As he returns Marcello tells Christopher they were talking about him. Marcello has no chill.

Janet asks what Marcello is looking for in a woman. He says woman are either “sex material” or “relationship material”. Oh silly us, we thought women weren’t objects.

He elaborates despite no one asking, describing how there are girls “you are keen to have sex with them”. We. Get. It. Everyone is shocked by his words but he keeps going on and on.

‘Dear future husband, you’re a fucking git. I want a divorce and my bread back. I WANT MY BREAD BACK.

Sincerely,

Women of the Earth’

The ladies need to get away pronto. Janet brings her wine. Wise woman. The force is strong with that one.

janet drink

Marcello continues to prod on about having sex and girls he wouldn’t want to be seen with because he is gods gift to us all. Christopher teaches him the word cufflink.

Susie makes up an excuse to leave. Janet says: “Susie’s got a problem”. Thanks Janet. Smooooth.

Christopher and Marcello are left behind as they continue the date. Christopher asks him about his modelling days, which we know is code for wanting to get into his Italian chinos.

It’s Gina son Miles’ 19th birthday and Gina has made a feast. Her mother comes over and Gina adjust her boobs. This seems to be a new greeting custom.

I hope it catches on.

Lydia and Pettifleur arrive, Pettifleur is dressed like she has just come from the Copacabana.

Everything is going great but wait…

HERE IS HOPELESS PA JOSH.

He is given the duty of handing out napkins by Gina. What a mind-quest. But what could she mean??!

josh birthday

Gina says she likes her sons. Cool.

Gina offers the ladies a drink and Lydia points at something and says “I would love what that is?”

“That’s just water” says a confused Gina. “Well I would love it!” replies Lydia triumphantly. YAAAAAS. Water!

They talk about the wedding and weather, boring boring, but what about CELEB-APPRENTICE-GATE?

They ask if Gina and Gamble are still friendly? She says ‘off course’. Lydia says everyone was saying she left for her premiere. Gina is now saying she watched it and invited Bodie.

Pettifleur asks if Gamble knew they were watching it. Gina says ‘yes’.

Lydia says Gamble was upset. Gina clarifies that her priority was having dinner with her boys and if Gamble thinks that unreasonable, then maybe she is not a friend, in a masterful twist of wronged party deflection.

She says if Gamble is questioning their friendship maybe she should questions her friendship with Gamble – in some insane lady logic.

Huh? Who? Why? Who knows…