Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 7

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Did we know this episode was brought to us by Chemist Warehouse? Which happens to be Gina Liano’s fragrance outlet? Fancy that! But quick, we are at Lydia’s house and Lydia is shouting bloody murder at Joanna, screaming ‘Joanna’ over and over again.

She is possibly auditioning for a role in A Streetcar Named Desire and is searching for STELLA!! Eventually, Stella replies and Lydia yells “Come, come!” like she is Queen Victoria calling on one of her loyal subjects.

Lydia’s friend Leanne is coming over to paint a portrait of Figaro. And why wouldn’t she? He is as glorious as the Mona Lisa. Lil Figs gets into place.

What a natural!

Leanne arrives, she is an ‘animal artist’ which is a career that exists – apparently. She’s got creds though, has even painted Johnny Depp’s dog, all we can assume is she painted an action shot as the dog was exiled by Australia’s own Cruella – Barnaby Joyce.

They plop Figs down on a chair but he keep running off. He is giving Lydia the cold shoulder. He won’t look at Leanne. He seems distracted by life’s troubles. The two grow frustrated that Fig is not cooperating, maybe because HE’S A FUCKING DOG.

Lydia tells us she brushed Fig’s teeth this morning which is adorable and then he showered with her which not normal and one step away from making Figs her canine/human child-bride.

As Lydia declares: “Figaro loves showering with me because he knows he’s going to get a back scratch, his ears cleaned, I mean who wouldn’t?”

Are these words someone is saying?!

fig meme pic

We now join Gamble as she is out shopping with our favourite stepson Luke, fresh from her honeymoon. Gamble tells Luke she is still shitty with Gina about ‘Celeb-Apprentice-Gate’, says Gina should have just been upfront. She feels that their friendship is fractured and their relationship might be one-sided.

Gamble’s noticed Gina’s ego is getting too large and her public profile is going to her big fat head. Plans on buying a helmet assumedly to demonstrate to Gina her own head is still small enough to wear such a helmet, unlike Gina’s inflated noggin. It’s an enigmatic plan.

Luke tries on hideous shoes. Gamble feels a lot closer to Luke after the wedding so is comfortable to tell him the shoes are fugly man hooves and when he was younger he was a ‘cubby and funny looking’ ugo. Explains this as him having too much estrogen until his testosterone kicked in and he emerged from his hormone cocoon into a man.

Gamble reveals she has burned all the photos from her in her younger years and plans on burning Luke’s childhood as well, to destroy the ugly evidence.

Gina meets with the fragrance folk to chat about her perfume – with hopeless PA Josh in tow, who says/does/contributes nothing. Science lady says that Gina has ‘fans’. Gina corrects her and says she has ‘mates’. When she really means ‘devoted minions’. Gina talks about the fan-mail she gets and that she once received a Gina Doll – sent from a fan.

How sweet!

gina doll

Wait, this is the stuff of nightmares…

gina doll close

Die now, devil doll!

Satan’s toy aside, people aren’t happy the fragrance will be unisex. Gina pretty much says ‘fuck off, it’s my fragrance’ and we move on. Fair call. They put together a list of fragrance samples she can smell. She smells the paper the testers are on. She prefers the paper much more.

Now they discuss what they shall call it. The team have work-shopped ideas with a focus group. Gina explains what a focus group is – for everyone that didn’t ask.

After all this and possibly thousands of dollars, they decide they have discovered the most brilliant concept. They will call the fragrance ‘Gina’. GENIUS! The team tells Gina her name is equally famous as Kylie and Madonna. Yep sure, mate.

Gina agrees, in the smuggest expression the universe has ever seen.

gina smug

Image via Pepe The Frog

 

#SmugLyfe

Gina decides her name is her biggest asset, with her boobs coming second and her modesty and humbleness an even 127th.

But wait, remember Susie? That other housewife that exists. She is setting a fancy table to practice etiquette with expert Joan. Jackie, Chyka and her daughter Chessie arrive.

Jackie and Chessie are taking selfies at the table which, according to Susie, is worse then the Holocaust. Jackie asks the expert whether she was invited because she’s a big ol’ bogan. *Crickets*

Joan is in hell, basically acts like she is in the presence of cave women, women that cut their rolls in HALF. Who could think of such a thing?!

Now, Jackie is in hell. Jackie doesn’t know where to put her fork. Jackie wants a shot. Jackie downs an oyster instead- to the horror of Joan.

Susie brings out a bowl of marbles, so the women can put marbles in their mouth and swiftly choke. This was clearly Joan’s plan all along, to slowly rid the world of unpleasant women. No one can speak as dribble drips down their chins and they gurgle in fright. It’s charming as heck. Chyka says this shit is irrelevant, well duh.

Pettifleur and her son Nathan head to a gallery to shop for a piano. They are looking at a fancy Steinway and the piano salesman plays it. He is freaking Mozart. Then Nathan has a turn.

“Nathan is super talented,” says Pettifleur.

Nathan is rubbish. The salesman begs him to stop. The piano is 135 thousand dollars. Pettifleur says this is reasonable. There are islands for less then that. Pettifleur isn’t keen on Nathan’s girlfriend coming into his life so early, cue girlfriend Emily walking in. Pettifleur greets her like she is a leper. They scurry off as she pays for the piano Nathan will likely forget he has.

We head over to Jackie’s house and are shown shot after shot of grafitti. Jackie’s been BUSAY! Two random children are dropped off a.k.a her nephew and god-daughter. Ben and Jackie will be baby-sitting as a test-drive, to see how they will deal with their own tiny humans.

They look cute at first- to the untrained eye.

kids

Over the course of the evening the two slowly morph into possessed banshees, scaling the stairs, drilling into the walls, destroying their own toys and the girl is screaming in some indescribable language only rabid coyotes can decipher.

Ben seems to like being a dad. Jackie wants a drink, which Ben replies “I don’t think that’s responsible parenting!”.

Shut up Ben! MAMA WANTS HER BOTTLE!

We are with Janet and her ex Brian. Brian is a property developer and is showing Janet “his new site”. By new site we know he means his D. Janet says “Wow, I was thinking it would be a lot smaller”. Didn’t we all.

Janet wants to know where their relationship are going. Janet says she shut people out during a PTSD, when Brian was trying to reconnect. Brian says she is back to the girl he fell in love with and wants to take her out to dinner and get her sloshed. He confesses he wants her to ask him to come back. Janet is shocked. Who knows why? She is one hot mama!

We are now with Chyka at one of her venues Luminare that’s been rejigged, she’s invited the whole gang to check it out and for a special SURPRISE. This surprise announcement doesn’t involve Bruce – unfortunately.

Janet, Susie and Jackie arrive, as they chat Pettifleur walks in and they don’t seem to notice her, probably because she is wearing Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. She removes her cloak for a moment and tells the women that she has lost her sons birth certificate and wants Jackie to find it, like the good little psychic she is. Possibly thinks psychic’s are glorified sniffer dogs.

Everyone else arrives. Gina is dressed like a drag version of the bear that date-raped Leo in The Revenant.

gina fur

Gamble notices Gina isn’t talking to her, as Janet gossips that the group has split into factions. Lydia and Pettifleur ask Gina about her fragrance and The Celebrity Apprentice. Lydia doesn’t understand the show, thinks that you ‘phone a friend’. Suspects that the people that live inside the TV might get lonely.

Gina actually says: “Donald Trump is more respectful” than our Australian host Mark Bouris. Err…

Chyka gathers the gals and they walk into a mystery room. They all act like they are are walking into the gates of Narnia.

It’s a tent.

Inside is very pretty though. Chyka has set up an middle eastern style feast and hands everyone a mystery envelope each. She tells them all that her company is doing a wedding for royal family in another country and is invited everyone to come to…DUBAI!

Lydia can’t quite get her head around the concept of the country the United Arab Emirates. The United States? The Arab states? It’s Arabian? Arabian nights? Aladdin?

THEY HAVE GENIES?!!

The ladies dance about. Gamble literally belly dances to get Gina’s attention and fails miserably.

Pettifleur harps back on about Jackie looking for her son’s missing birth certificate. But Jackie refuses because she hasn’t spoken to her in three weeks. That a confusing way to run a business, Jackie. She whips back at Pettifleur, maybe she “should have remembered where you put it when you were drunk”. Ouch. This seems unnecessarily nasty pasty.

Jackie says she can’t deal with Pettifleurs “negativity” and that she “puts people down”, all as she hurls abuse as Pettifleur. Yep, how’s your glass house going Jack?

Pettifleur persists, trying to talk to Jackie. Jackie literally runs away. Pettifleur tells Gamble and Lydia that the girls were rude when she walked in. True. Up the other end of the table Janet and Jackie bitch about her like school girls, shiny school girls.

Chyka as Switzerland tries to resolve stuff. Jackie said she used to have her back but was angry at Pettifleur from their fight from Byron Bay. You know, when Jackie stormed in on a convo Pettifleur and Lydia were having, to then tell Pettifleur to leave. Yep, that one.

Jackie calls Pettifleur a chihuahua and is generally being a shiny jerk. They go round and round until Jackie being the adult she is says “Shine away!” deeming the fight as over, for now.

Figaro to the rescue! Post-party, Pettifleur heads over to Lydia’s as she reveals Fig’s portrait. As we try to leave this episode on a high, we bask in the piece in all it’s glory.

figaro portrait

IT’S A FUCKING MASTERPIECE!

Bow down, bitches!!