Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 8

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We are back – and this week get ready for some…

D.R.A.M.A.

At Chyka’s house, she is packing with daughter Chessie, they are choosing outfits for Dubai. Chyka says she wants to do a story on her blog about Dubai- which has never been done. Chyka shows off her jingly bell anklet, possibly plans on dressing as Esmeralda in The Hunchback of Notre Dame. God help the outcasts!

We are now with Lydia and her humble servant Joanna. Lydia says she is practically a Zeitgeist guide when it comes to Dubai, she has been going there for 20 years. She knows it all. Lydia says that their fashion is incredible there and that the local women wear: “the local that”. That must be what they call burqas over there.

Lydia calls Dubai her second home. She thinks she fits in, as she looks Arabian (errr, what?) and almost looks like “them”. She know “them” so well.

She continues to pack and lil Figaro wants to come along. No Figs, Australia can’t lose you!

figs packing

Everyone arrives! They rock up to their hotel The Atlantis, The Palm, which translates to Fancy Fishtanks of Rich and Broken Dreams in Arabic and it’s dripping with money. All the gals head out to welcome drinks by the beach. Jackie is already demanding shots. They all cheer Chyka for reminding them all Dubai exists.

Lydia and Pettifleur arrive. No one gives Pettifleur attention, instead complimenting Lydia on her sexy dress. Pettifleur wants a parade and a couple of trombones apparently and she whispers to Lydia that no one made eye contact with her and she is hurt, getting teary.

Jackie asks if Pettifleur is okay and why she’s crying. This is literally the only words Jackie has spoken to her. Jackie calls her a ‘Debbie Downer’.

Lydia tells the girls Pettifleur feels like no one said ‘hi’ to her. The girls really don’t give two hoots. Gina says well ‘duh, we’re all cows’. Exactly! Gamble thinks she is taking it all too seriously.

Jackie suggests a tequila shot. Yes, that’s what we need, for this convo to be drunker.

Janet bitches that Pettifleur just wants attention. Gina said no one said ‘hi’ to her either. Damn this group has appalling social skills, need to do classes in ‘how to be human 101’.

Gina decides that Pettifleur is too sensitive when it comes to herself but lacks sensitivity with everyone else. This is actually spot on. Wise words, drag queen-yoda.

Lydia starts telling people about Dubai. Chyka tries to add stuff and Lydia has none of it. They compete over who knows Dubai the best. This is rich-lady version of a WWF battle. They out-do each other on knowing absolutely nil about the country. Chyka starts welcoming everyone that SHE INVITED and raises her glass, but then Lydia takes over for a toast.

She took the toast right out of her mouth. Chyka says she was about to toast. Lydia gives no fucks. As the girls cheers to their trip. Lydia cheers herself, ‘to her second home’. This is a wonderful start!

Can cut the tension with a butter knife.

Next day, they all go to the aquatic park. Chyka whinges to Jackie about Lydia being a know-it-all, that she has to add her two cents in about everything.

Chyka is annoyed. Chyka never gets annoyed. I like this side of Chyka.

Lydia, Gina and Gamble arrive to meet sea lions. Gina bronzes everyone’s feet in anticipation. Makes sense, as the traditional custom goes, there is nothing ruder then getting acquainted with a sea mammal with hideously pale trotters.

With tan on, the seal gets pretty fresh with Lydia, they get to at least second base. Lydia says: “I’ve never had that kind of fish near me lips. Did anyone get that or did i just get that?”

I think even martians in space got that reference Lyds.

seal kiss

Post-seal foreplay, they discuss Pettifleur. Gamble thinks Pettifleur is jealous of Lydia. Gina says looking after Pettifleur feels like a burden.

Susie, Janet and Pettifleur are diving with sharks and stingrays. Pettifleur suspects she will be killed like Steve Irwin. Turns out Pettifleur is much more afraid of cold water.

Pettifleur keeps pinching bums saying “I had all these juicy little bums in front of me and i couldn’t help myself”. The girls should suggest she tries to pinch the sharks bum too.

Jackie and Chyka hang with dolphins. Jackie says dolphins are spiritual animals, she senses the dolphin she is handling is pregnant. Does that mean she impregnated her with her shiny powers??

The whole excursion is a little too The Cove for my liking. Leave the dolphins in the sea.

Out to dinner at Ossiano, surrounding by fishtanks because nothing is more appetizing then watching your food pass you by as you eat. Janet being Janet brings up to Gamble whether she is cool with Gina, after she left early to watch the Celebrity Apprentice. Oh, we’re here again. Lovely.

Gamble says she is upset as they could have watched Celebrity Apprentice at the pub. Janet asks if she has said anything to her, practically forcing Gamble to say something right this minute.

Gamble says to Gina that she was upset that she wasn’t there, before Janet jumps in saying ‘she was watching Celebrity Apprentice’ and that Gamble cried. Nice one, Janet.

Stir that pot.

Gina says she didn’t know she was upset and that she shouldn’t have told the girls, whom have been giving her shtick over it. Gina wants her to come to her before anyone else. Gamble doesn’t like that she is massaging Pettifleur at the time. Which is weird.

Lydia sympathizes with Gina, doesn’t get the big deal.

Gamble wants an apology. Thinks Lydia is becoming too close to Gina. Gamble says she feels left out.

Then Pettifleur interjects saying she should focus on the positive of the wedding rather then the negative. Gamble replies ‘Fuck off, Pettifleur’. Rightly so.

Janet says she is pleased Pettfleur is at least talking about someone else then herself for once. Wow. Major shade thrown.

Pettifleur responds saying the village is missing a idiot, go find it. It some confusing smack talk. Jackie says she is insecure, then Pettifleur brings up that damn missing birth certificate. Stahp pls.

Jackie says the reason why she wouldn’t help Pettifleur is because Jackie used to clean houses and Pettifleur has never been a maid. Okay, not keeping up. She then calls Pettifleur a drainer or she should clean drains more often. Getting lost. Pettifleur calls Jackie a ‘mean girl’,and that she splits there group in half. Gina disagrees.

Lydia thinks Jackie is being nasty and ‘dismissful’. Yep, take with that what you will.

Next day, they all go to the Dubai Mall, split into two groups Chyka, Gamble, Jackie and Janet are  in one group and the other leftovers are in the other. Jackie and Gamble try on turbans to imitate Pettifleur. It’s a good look.

Pettifleur tries on a hideous dress and won’t take it off. She looks like an extra from Show Girls. It’s very revealing and made of the skin of a sparkly spandex creature. The gals try to get her to take it off. Pettifleur wants to flaunt it. She does look hella hot. Gina says she has ‘an inflated idea of her beauty’, which translates to, she’s an up-herself toss pot.

Throughout the day Pettifleur drags the girls around shopping. She talks to herself and her sunglasses, she says when she is shopping she talks to herself as she gets an honest answer. Her ‘honest answer’ is always DAMN I’M BEAUTIFUL. Pettifleur is generally obsessed with herself. Even Lydia thinks Pettifleur checks herself out too much, she tries to slap her into action but Pettifleur won’t leave, she is staring in the mirror and gets lost in her own reflection.

They are shitty, they waited for 2 hours. Everyone is over her.

Out at lunch, Gamble says it’s nice to hang out with the different group. She tells them Lydia and Gina apparently stayed up all night talking, she is jealous and feels like she is competing with Lydia. They chat about Pettifleur calling Jackie a ‘mean girl’. Chyka says Pettifleur has become too self centred. Become?

Jackie thinks it is best to just not talk to her at all. If they pretend she doesn’t exist, then chances are she may no longer have human form and will dissipate into the atmosphere.

The other group stop for a coffee. They chat about why Gamble is angry with Gina. Gina says she is a ‘low-maintenance friend’. She doesn’t need to be called, she doesn’t need to see you and she won’t ring you to see if you’re okay. She is basically describing two sworn enemies.

They talk about Jackie. Lydia says Jackie talks down to them. Susie is there so she can look super awkward. Pettifleur gobs on about how she is a badass bitch and that her tongue is a silver sword blah blah blah, before Gina says “Oh Pettifleur, shut the fuck up!”

Everyone laughs. This must be what friendship looks like. Pettifleur gives ‘tude and says if no one cares what she has to say, they should leave.

GO, GO, GO!!

Next day, the whole gang heads out for camel riding. Gina is terrified. Gina is struggling to get on the camel and Gamble says for her to just think of it like a boyfriend. What kinds of camels is Gamble dating?

All the camels are tied together but Gina has lost her shit and wants to get off. Lydia is yelling out random words she thinks are Arabic. Susie says the desert is amazing. Yep, thanks Susie.

They end up at a gorgeous meet up point, with carpets, chairs, people are singing and there are belly dancers. It’s basically a chic version of Mya’s ‘Case of the ex’. Pettifleur gets up to perform after no one asks her to. Two random people rock up dressed as sheiks, but wait it’s Bruce with son BJ!

Everyone is happy and crying and saying that having children is good. Bruce looks good in silke.

As the ladies have dinner, Jackie inhales the hummus and olives. They talk about Chyka’s blog. But then Lydia brings up her blog. Chyka is pissed, Lydia keeps overshadowing her. There can only be one blog apparently- one blog to rule them all. Lydia says that her blog was featured on Daily Mail with (the most boring) Bachelorette Louise Pillidge. Chyka says she read the article and was glad she wasn’t compared to her. Woo. Sass. Go Chyks!

They cheers again. Don’t they learn? Lydia says ‘cheers to our blogs’. Chyka looks like she wants to swallow Lydia whole.

Lydia complains that no one acknowledges her blog. She says she works hard on hers. Chyka asks if Lydia is competitive with her, Lydia says ‘not at all’. Chyka says she tries to take over and is louder then everyone else. Chyka is for once standing her ground and it’s fucking spectacular. She gives a bitchy side-eye with the best of them.

Jackie brings up that Lydia should of let Chyka do the toast when they arrived. Seriously? First world problems.

Susie relays some of the info she got from shopping to Jackie, that Pettifleur and Lydia said she has changed. Jackie brings it up with them across the table. She asks how is she is a mean girl? Pettifleur says she is condescending. Jackie brings up that Pettifleur has said to Chyka she looks frumpy in certain dresses and doesn’t like her lipstick. She thinks Pettifleur is a mean girl. Jackie says Pettifleur degrades people.

Everyone jumps in on the Pettifleur roast.

Gina says she rubs people the wrong way and doesn’t know friendship 101. Pettifleur asks if anyone is on her side. *Crickets* She thinks that the girls feel that Pettifleur cares about herself more then them, which she responds ‘I do’. Ouch. Wrong answer.

Pettifleur has a freak out, screaming ‘STOP IT’ and starts smashing shit up. We will have to wait until next week to see if there were any survivors…