Real Housewives Melbourne

RECAP: Real Housewives Of Melbourne – Season 3, Episode 9

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Jump on the roast train. We have two stops – Pettifleur and Lydia – and it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

We are still in Dubai in the middle of the desert at the dinner from hell. It’s Hell’s Kitchen without Gordon Ramsay, instead Gina is screaming at Pettifleur. Like Ramsay, Pettifleur loses her shit, shouting ‘STOP IT’ before slamming her fists on the dining table amid their feast.

Will someone think of the baba ganoush?!

Pettifleur says the ladies should be ashamed of themselves, as they are attacking one person. Jackie rolls her eyes, as Pettifleur yells over and over that ‘they should be ashamed of themselves’, again and again. She shames them for shaming her. It’s a shame-fest.

Gina says she hasn’t done anything wrong. Lydia assures Pettifleur that they are still her friends but she needs to listen to them. Chyka jumps in, saying that Pettifleur always insults her. Pettifleur says Chyka is a grown women, which is a true fact. Also, the sky is blue and water is wet.

Gina interjects yelling: “YOU NEED TO SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF IT.”

Gina says she has had enough of her “indulged bull-fucking-shit,”and is sick of her victimising herself.

Janet cheers! Pettifleur doesn’t think she needs to change her behavior and isn’t listening to a thing anyone says.

She has the genius idea of escaping by lying down whilst still at the table. It’s a great plan, if they think she is dead they won’t continue their savaging.

All of a sudden Gamble stands, she has written Susie a song, as she thinks the CWA Toorak branch needs an anthem. It’s the worst thing ever, but has some pretty solid burns in it. Some of the lyrics include:

“We’ll never burn our bras. Feminists not invited. Subservience is required.”

These are pretty biting words, comparing CWA women to stepford wives, but that seem to go completely over Susie’s head, as she cheers.

Lydia loves the song, but is confused by one thing, asking:

cwa meme pic

It’s a bigger mystery then the Bermuda Triangle.

And with that gem of wisdom, we leave this awful dinner. Next day we are with Bruce, Chyka and son BJ. BJ has been away for 6 month, he has been doing a gap year in Texas working with teenage boys. This stuff really writes itself. Young boys like BJ yada yada, you get the picture.

He’s been staying in hostels in Europe. Bruce said he has learnt about financing and money. BJ says he appreciates a dollar now. He had never seen one before. Chyka asks about romances and Bruce says he is not ready to be a grandfather. He might suit the role of a fairy godmother more fittingly.

We are now out shopping at the gold souk. Gamble, Chyka and Janet are together, as Gamble imitates Pettifleur trying on jingly hats . They agree Gina was amazing last night, trying to get through to Pettifleur. Janet says she is ‘tapping out’ with Pettifleur.

Chyka reminds us of how Pettifleur poked fun at her lipstick. Chyka thinks she criticises others but doesn’t acknowledge her own faults and hopes she might change because Gina spoke the truth.

With Susie, Gina and Jackie at the souk and Gina thinks she’s in I Dream of Jeannie. Jackie says before she got married she was ‘woggy and loved her gold’. They chat about last night and the drama with Pettifleur. Susie said she was agitated from last night. Oh, Susie was there?

Gina says she raised her voice only slightly, just to get through other peoples voices. When she actually roared as loud as foghorn hailing lost ships.

Gina thinks Chyka must have had enough to blow up like she did, as she is pretty tolerant. Gina’s over helping Pettifleur, and tells that girls her mother once told her:

“Gina, you can’t breastfeed the world.”

There goes my career aspiration!

Via Pinterest

On the beach with Pettifleur,  Lydia comes over. Lydia is looking fucking hot as FIRE and she asks her how she is feeling. HOW DARE SHE? Pettifleur is sassy and full of ‘tude. She says she feels like she has been in a tumble drier and she is is lucky that she is so emotionally strong. Pettifleur is very impressed with how Pettifleur is taking it.

Lydia is seeing if anything has sunk in. Pettifleur says she will not be told what to do because she is a grow-ass woman, stating she cares little about her critique. “So you talk about yourself? Well, why the hell not? If you were me you would be talking about yourself.”

Yep, okay.

Lydia says Pettifleur is unique, which is lady-language for batshit insane. Pettifleur says Chyka got ‘all precious’ about comments about her lip colour. Lydia brings up her blog and how everyone talked about Chyka’s blog. Lydia says she ‘doesn’t give a shit’ about what Chyka does.

What she doesn’t see is that NO ONE cares about hearing about anyone’s blog.

Lydia says that Jackie doesn’t like how arrogant Pettifleur can be. Pettifleur snaps and says if they are going to talk about that then she will kick Lydia off her banana lounge as she was there first. She harps on and on, saying “don’t make me cry again, now get out of here!”Then asks for a hug.

It’s confusing.

Lydia tries to explain and Pettifleur is being generally awful. Lydia has had enough and storms off. But then reverses this and sits. Pettifleir says she doesn’t want to be interupted. Lydia is confused about some electrical metaphor she is trying to make, she basically wants to electrocute her

Lydia says she has her back and gets nothing. Lydia storms off again, this time successfully. Pettifleur yells “cute ass”.

Rich ladies fight strangely.

Chyka meets up with with Abbey, to talk about plans for her royal wedding her company is organising. They look at flowers. Flowers are nice. They are getting ‘Dior chairs’ for the day. DIOR HAS CHAIRS?

The whole convo between the two is very much a staged scene. But they are legit great friends, Chyka assures us. Friends they are. F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

Jackie, Gamble, Chyka, Janet, Susie are meeting with a sheik to learn about Dubai culture. Jackie wants food. Gamble doesn’t know how to sit. Janet is in love with the sheik and tells him she could ride a camel all day, as some kind of seductive technique. The sheik says he likes to tie his camels front feet together. It’s some fucked up spicy talk.

Jackie continues to stare at the food on offer, the only thing she cares about with their culture is if they bbq or cook? Instead, the sheik talks about his life and culture.

Susie asks what it is appropriate to wear. Jackie wants food. The ladies try on burqas. This is getting dangerously into Sex and the City 2 territory, before Jackie says that a plus for women that wear burqas is that the women don’t need to get botox.

Oh no, we’re there. ‘Hai Carrie!’

Pls stahp.

Jackie still wants food. She offers the sheik two of the ladies as wives in exchange for some food. Jackie gets food.

We are at a fancy restaurant. Lydia and Pettifleur arrive. Lydia asks Chyka how their day was and Chyka said that they missed them, before Lydia gives a major stink-eye.

Jackie cheers to ‘Chyka,’ while Lydia cheers to: ‘All of us, as well’. Again toast-snatching is on the menu.

Gamble tells the ladies how she learnt today with the sheik about Islam and that when you wrong someone, you should apologise. Super subtle, Gamble. Pettifleur jumps in saying, that no one appointed anyone of them as god and they cant tell her how to live her life. She must think that there visit with the sheik involved some kind of biblical ascension.

Gamble says she doesn’t want tonight’s dinner to be all about Pettifleur. Janet says friendship should be 50/50. Pettifleur interrupts. Janet tells her to shut up, says she doesn’t want to be her friend and wants her to get up and fuck off. Bit harsh, Janet.

Janet says she tried with her but Pettifleur only cares about herself. Pettfifleur actually apologises, she says she doesn’t mean to make her feel that way.

Fucking finally. Happy times. Pettifleur hugs everyone.

Lydia thinks it is crap.

All of a sudden, Gamble asks Gina why they are no longer friends? She says she never sees her and that she has disappeared with Lydia and Pettifleur. Gina says there is no big deal, and Gamble will ‘either accommodate me or not’.

Gamble cries, to which Gina replies, “please don’t be a sook about bullshit”. Gina is being nasty AF, saying Gamble is starting a routine and actually mocks Gamble as she cries. Gina thinks she is doing it in front of everyone to portray her as a villain.

Chyka says that Gina needs to listen and that it’s only fair as they made Pettifleur listen as they screamed the shit through her dying soul.

Jackie pipes up out of nowhere, saying she heard Lydia said Jackie has changed and has a bad energy. Jackie says she thinks it’s BS as Lydia is the one that has been talking badly about people and their families. Jackie says she could no longer be friends with her as she ruins families.

Lydia says she doesn’t know what Jackie is talking about. Jackie says Lydia has bad energy, stating “I cant be friends with you because it actually makes me cry, the things you have said about people”. Adding that Lydia has said stuff about three women on this table – Chyka, Janet and Gina.

Chyka says that she knows what Lydia said and isn’t repeating it. Lydia had said Janet had affairs apparently, and has also talked about Gina and her partner.

Lydia says that Jackie has also said nasty things about Gina. Yep, remember season one and two, Jack? Lydia maintains that she doesn’t know what she has said. Chyka butts in, yelling “You do know Lydia!”

Chyka is feisty and it’s great. She says she is sick of Lydia denying everything.

Lydia rebuts that she doesn’t understand and wants Chyka to tell her in private. Chyka says that she has always had her back and Lydia has not and has been the first person to spread goss. Lydia doesn’t like new Chyka, she wants Switzerland back. Chyka storms off, saying that she hates her. Wow.

For dramatic effect Jackie storms off too. They gossip in the bathroom, agreeing that she’s a liar. Before Jackie drops the c-bomb. The same c-bomb that was said in a bathroom by Gina in season one about Lydia. Looks like this series has come full circle.

Deep in fight, the episode ends. Looks like next week we are heading back into war, but this time Switzerland is gone. Switzerland is occupied by an angry Chyka and she is out to take down Lydia and is looking for blood.