Every Single Unhinged Thought I Had While Watching ‘Red, White & Royal Blue’
If you’re looking for a spicy love story with partial nudity and hot guys this weekend, I’ve got you covered. Amazon’s latest rom-com Red, White & Royal Blue has just dropped on Prime Video, and it’s everything I hoped it would be.
The film follows Prince Henry (who is basically Prince Harry) and his enemy, the US President’s son, Alex Claremont-Diaz. They’re forced to act like besties after a messy cake incident at the biggest royal wedding of the decade, and begin to get kinda close. Oh, and did I mention the film is R-rated?
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
It’s based on the bestselling novel with the same name, and Casey McQuiston’s book has a massive following – for a reason. There’s a brooding love interest, a charismatic lead, and a bunch of sex. And the movie adaption did not let me down, but it did spark some chaotic thoughts, so obviously I had to write them all down.
Here’s every unhinged thought I had while watching Red, White & Royal Blue:
So Prince Henry is basically Prince Harry, and we’re at Wills and Kate’s royal wedding.
Prince Philip is Prince William, and he’s an absolute tool.
Side note: his haircut makes me want to poke my eyes out.
Alex Claremont-Diaz has pretty eyelashes.
Also, why are these two men so fixated on their height?
Alcohol, a giant wedding cake, and two men that hate each other. What could possibly go wrong? For a £75,000 wedding cake, it’s pretty ugly.
My husband audibly gasped when Alex accidentally covered his hand with cake.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Oh, now we’re into the opening credit sequence. It’s so long, like, James Bond long.
Wait, why is Uma Thurman in the movie?! And what the heck is that accent?!
Low-key slay to have a female president, but it would’ve been nice if she was also a POC.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
I personally love the enemies-to-lovers trope, so while it feels a bit ridic to have ‘cake-gate’ ruin a trade deal between the UK and US, I’m committing to it so these two men can get it on.
Ooh, we already have a contender for the best line of the film coming from sassy Zahra.
“The moment you get there you better act like the sun shines out of his ass and you have a vitamin D deficiency.”
Human names for animals are strange, but also kinda the best.
A dog named Jonathan? No notes.
Prince Harry, sorry, Henry, has a good side. Just like Ariana.
Alex calls Henry a d**k.
With the sexual tension that’s brewing between these two, he’ll get to see Henry’s actual d**k soon enough.
They met at the Melbourne Climate Conference, where all love stories begin.
They’re kind of taking every opportunity to touch each other.
Oh no. Alex did a TikTok dance move while referring to Queen Victoria as ‘Vicky’.
I had to look away.
this got maybe one of the biggest laughs from me?? #RWRBMOVIE pic.twitter.com/ye22WEM0gt
— Dayln (@dayln03) August 11, 2023
There’s a security threat so they’re literally put inside a closet.
Why can’t they sit still and be quiet? They’d be the easiest targets ever. Now is not the time for a conversation.
Cue the first deep and meaningful moment, Alex has finally shared why he doesn’t like Henry.
Apparently, Henry was mean to him at the said Melbourne Climate Conference.
Did Prince Henry just check Alex out?!
This journalist guy Miguel is shady AF. Don’t trust him!
Okay, they’ve got some sexual history. Kinda predatory, since Alex is still at uni.
Why doesn’t Alex have a Texan accent like Uma Thurman?
I can’t deal with Uma’s accent.
This hate texting is quite sexually charged.
Is the turkey being pardoned by the White House a real thing?
Okay yep, it is. The two turkeys that were pardoned in 2022 were called Chocolate and Chip. The year before that, Peanut Butter and Jelly.
Alex and Prince Henry are now bickering during late-night phone calls. Oh they’re in love love, for real.
They just don’t know it yet.
Why is Alex, a college student, trying to give the White House a memo?
He thinks he’s the greatest political mind of all time, but the memo is only 14 PAGES LONG.
Another contender for best quote of the film, this time about sweaty balls.
“Sorry, did he say ‘Till the sweat drops down my balls?’”
HOLD UP – everyone is getting low EXCEPT for Prince Henry and Alex? Soulmates.
And now it’s time for the New Year’s Kiss. Alex is kissing everyone… except Henry. Don’t go Henry! Come back and get your man!
it’s going in the history books pic.twitter.com/MWzy9MzxT7
— rwrb hive (@sxarlights) August 11, 2023
Prince Henry’s tortured face #1 (there are a lot of these).
Poor Henry wants Alex so badly, but he has a duty to fulfil for The Crown.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
They’re kissing!!!!!!
And now Henry has run off, and he’s refusing to talk to Alex. Communication is key, guys.
Alex is using one of his mum’s staff members for free therapy.
Okay, now THIS might be the best quote of the film. Alex describes his kiss with Henry in the weirdest way. “He grabbed my hair in a way that made me understand the difference between rugby and football.”
Side note from my husband, who was forced to watch, but seems to love it: What the hell does that even mean? I’m guessing he’s talking about American football, where they wear helmets. But they don’t really pull hair in rugby.
Oh no! Miguel “has sources” (Very Important Journalist Lingo) and has discovered Alex’s (pathetic 14 page) memo.
My husband: Move aside Miguel, you’ve been superseded by the Prince of England. He’s not interested in some loser journalist. (Hey! I’m a journalist too!)
Alex attempting to look cool is very relatable, I feel like we’ve all been Alex at some point in our lives.
THEY’RE KISSING AGAIN! Is this where the R-rating comes in?
My husband: Now HE understands the difference between football and rugby!
WHEN AMY CAME IN I DIED #RWRBMovie pic.twitter.com/KI6iWdzNKi
— ėrick (@wonderxboy) August 11, 2023
Aaaand they’re interrupted. Why didn’t they lock the door? The place is crawling with (loser) journos!
But Prince Henry pretending to look at books was a great save. So natural.
Oop, Alex says he’s going to do some “very bad things” to Prince Henry later. Again, this is rated R, so I’m on the edge of my seat.
It’s sexy time. Alex is wearing a manky key around his neck and loves being shirtless. Alex is bisexual, and Prince Henry is “as gay as a maypole”.
My husband: I just want to see the security lady accidentally walk in on them every single time.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Our star-crossed lovers are reunited in England for a polo game! Why are there bagpipes playing?
This is the least sexiest sport of all? Should’ve been football, or rugby.
Oh wait, so they’re riding each other like you ride the horses.
Somebody could so easily walk in on these two, are they not taking the secrecy thing seriously at all?
the editing in the polo scene….just amazing #RWRBMovie pic.twitter.com/U5zFq3SENo
— Dusty L. Coercer 🔪 Asexual Beast 🖤🤍💜 (@DustyLCanon) August 11, 2023
We’re in Paris. Henry is talking about boys he’s “shagged” in a cafe.
There are people around you for god’s sake Henry! I get that the cafe patrons could be French, but everyone knows what ‘shagging’ means.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Prince Henry’s tortured face #2.
He’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Poor little royal. He belongs to Britain!
WAIT did Alex just attempt to grab Prince Henry’s d**k?!
HERE WE GO THEY’RE ABOUT TO HAVE SEX.
Or “make love” according to the poncy prince. In Paris! Alex hasn’t done this before! It’s awkward! Funny! Cute! All the !!!!
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Another best quote contender: “I went to an English boarding school, dear. Trust me, you’re in good hands.”
My husband: I feel like there’d be press outside the window. You can’t do this stuff with the curtains open! They have long lenses! (On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the most invested, my husband is currently at 100.)
They’re doing the sex! And it’s kind of… artsy?
But I’m distracted by that key which is so annoying. It keeps dangling in Henry’s face.
one of the many times an actor should’ve walked off the set asking “so what are we?” pic.twitter.com/YSLanjNyzF
— rwrb hive (@sxarlights) August 11, 2023
How is it that Uma Thurman is the worst actor in the movie? I’m blaming whoever forced her to put on this terrible Texan accent.
They’re sending Alex, the person who accidentally leaked info to the press (damn you Miguel), to run the entire campaign in Texas?
Also, why are the star-crossed lovers emailing such intimate details to each other? We all know this is gonna bite them in the ass. Especially with the British press, who are known for weaselling their way into personal conversations.
Another incredible quote, this time about a condiment. “I wanna see your mouth covered with barbeque sauce, and then I wanna lick it off.”
Miguel is back, and he wants to hook up with Alex!
My husband: You’re too lowly for him now Miguel. Alex is only into royalty.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
CAN THEY PLEASE WAIT UNTIL THE DOOR CLOSES BEFORE THEY START MAKING OUT?
Why are these two so risky! Maybe they want to get caught. Hmm.
Tortured Prince Henry face #3.
His dad died. Not in this scene, but historically. He’s sad.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Zahra has discovered Prince Henry and Alex in a compromising position. Is she gonna faint?
My husband: I have no sympathy for her. It’s her fault for barging into their room. What did she expect?
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Prince Henry has confirmed he’s in fact, Prince Harry, by announcing that he’s the Spare, not the Heir.
Uma Thurman is giving Alex a lecture about anal intercourse over pizza.
It’s actually a decent conversation, but that accent ruins it all. I simply refuse to take her seriously.
“well you know the B in LGBTQ is not a silent letter” SPEAK MOTHERRRR SPEAK 📣👏🏻 #RWRBMovie pic.twitter.com/Zmb0403l0H
— mir | 📨 rwrb spoilers (@gvnsthetic) August 11, 2023
Prince Henry has slapped on a baseball cap and now he looks like a regular guy from Texas!
Why is Henry drunk and singing to his boyfriend IN PUBLIC. Especially when his boyfriend also happens to be the son of the President.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Oh cute, now they’re on a pontoon together. Is Henry about to touch his own d**k?!!!!
Okay no, he’s just weirdly sliding his hand onto his stomach.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Alex isn’t taking Henry’s life into consideration (he just wants to hold hands on the streets of Austin), so we have Prince Henry’s tortured face #4.
Read the room Alex! Don’t say I love you! Henry has noped out of this situation.
Prince Henry’s tortured face #5. He’s leaving Alex, for good.
the look in henry’s eyes when alex bared his heart out HE KNEW THEY ALREADY FEEL FOREVER ABOUT EACH OTHER 😭 #RWRBMovie pic.twitter.com/GjVZEbt1WJ
— mir | 📨 rwrb spoilers (@gvnsthetic) August 11, 2023
Prince Henry’s tortured face #6 in the private jet, #7 with his sister, #8 looking at a profile of Alex in The Guardian.
Oh, they’re having a discussion about how the royal family is antiquated and has no place in the 20th century. Something I can get on board with.
A Very Sad Montage Of Henry Declining Alex’s Calls™️.
Has it been weeks, months or a year? Apparently not. They’ve been apart for one week.
Alex has stormed the palace! Who knew it was so easy? And we have Prince Henry’s tortured face #9.
“My life is the Crown, and yours is politics, and I will not trade one prison for another!”
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Where’s our make-up sex scene?! They didn’t even kiss. What was the point of Alex arriving at the palace soaking wet?
Prince Henry has a key?! He told Alex earlier that he’d never owned a key. Huh, there’s a back exit to the palace?
He’s not locking it behind him. This seems sus, security-wise.
They’re slow dancing in a museum, surrounded by creepy statues. This is sweet. Irresponsible, but sweet.
Are there not security cameras protecting the art in the museum? Don’t dance together, you’re gonna get papped! Okay, but it’s cute tho.
you guys. pic.twitter.com/GFc1YV6PSJ
— rwrb hive (@sxarlights) August 11, 2023
Prince Henry and Alex trade their most treasured possessions: Henry’s ring, and Alex’s manky house key. Does someone live in that house though?
Their emails have been leaked and posted on Reddit. Security photos from the museum have been popping up as well, so we have Prince Henry’s tortured face #10.
They’re no longer allowed to communicate, by the order of Buckingham Palace, and I’m devo.
Shady Miguel is behind the ‘Waterloo Letters’.
The emails were posted to Reddit at 11.54pm and the article was written at 2.30am. It’s SUS AF.
Prince Henry’s tortured face #10 in a car, and #11 in a boring meeting. Alex gives a moving speech.
Why can’t the pair just live happily ever after.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Zahra is all of us, sick of listening to Alex talk about Henry. She has a secret phone connection to the palace! Henry has another tortured face during the call, we’re up to #11.
So they weren’t allowed to talk, but now Alex can come to the palace? I’m confused.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
Prince Henry plays the piano sadly while putting on his tortured face #12.
Omg. Prince Henry and Alex have been summoned to meet the KING. Who will it be?!!
STEPHEN FRY! Please be cool.
He’s not cool. He wants Prince Henry to deny the accusations.
They’re holding hands!!! In front of the King! The King believes their love is “genuine”, and “occasionally vulgar”. But Prince Henry isn’t allowed to be himself.
Image credit: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue
But wait! There’s a big Pride parade happening outside because the whole of Britain supports Prince Henry!
Love is real, and they’re gonna be able to hold hands not just in Austin one day. But in Britain, today! For what I sincerely hope is the final time, Prince Henry throws in another tortured face (#13) just for good measure.
Now it’s time for the election back in the USA, and surprise surprise, it comes down to Texas.
I guess Alex’s 14-page memo was really good after all, because his mum won.
To celebrate, Alex takes Prince Henry to the house he grew up in, using his key to open the door. Again, does nobody live in this house?
But I’m happy to ignore this question for the benefit of a happy ending.
THE END.
–
Image credits: Amazon, Red, White & Royal Blue