The Hardest Part Of Dating In Your 30s, According To Reddit
The dating world is pretty tough to navigate. The thought of walking up to someone in a bar instantly puts us into a cold sweat, but dating apps are filled with fuckboys, so our options are a bit grim. It’s certainly not the “30, flirty, and thriving” life we were promised by Jennifer Garner in Suddenly 30.
But if you’re worried that you’re the only 30-something struggling with the realities of dating, take some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.
Over on r/AskReddit, users have been sharing the hardest part of dating in their 30s, and some of the answers made a lot of sense.
We picked out the most relatable experiences, along with some success stories, to give you some hope:
Some posts have been edited for clarity.
Realising that some people, in MAFS’ Alyssa’s words, “have a child”:
“I have told people I do not like kids. I have gone as far as to say I hate kids. Yet still they match. One even brought their kid along to the first (and last) date. Why the hell would you bring your kid to meet a stranger, specifically one that says they hate kids?”
– @namiez
Everything seems more serious when it comes to dating:
“It’s not all fun and games anymore. People feel late or behind. First date questions now include: ‘Are we compatible, do you want kids, are you okay with my kids, are you ready for a serious relationship, do you make enough money, do you own a home, political views, are you religious?’ I don’t have time to mess with you if we aren’t a match, because I’m in my 30s and supposed to be married and having kids. The days of just light fun dating are less common.”
– @ZLVe96
So many potential partners are now off the market:
“Not even hit 30 yet, but the options are so badly reduced already. It’s like all the good ones are gone and it’s just us broken and bruised ones left. Trawling our emotional baggage along behind us, plus online dating is shit.”
Who has the time to go on dates anymore?
“Finding the motivation is the hardest thing! I’m a 30 y/o single woman with a dog, and my life is very full and busy. I don’t want kids, I am passionate about my career. I don’t have time to date, so the person would have to be a good fit in my life – and I am not very motivated to find someone, because I’m happy with my friend and pupper right now… so they’d have to just ‘fall into my lap’ so to speak. I’m finding more and more that my friendships fulfil me in ways that my partners never did. I’m not one for casual sex these days, so I’m pretty much content just waiting for Mr or Mrs Right to find me, or for me to find them. I just keep doing the things I love (hiking, dog sports, travel, writing, working, etc) and I’m confident that I will meet someone that way. If not, that’s ok too.”
Plenty of potential dates come with their own trauma:
“For me it’s finding someone who hasn’t been burned so badly they have some sort of unresolved trauma. I’ve had a run lately of meeting fun, awesome women who just lose it the moment we get serious because of their ex or father cheating or being abusive, etc. I hadn’t run into that before so I haven’t yet figured out how to spot it earlier.”
– @faste30
The little things can be irritating:
“I think the hardest part is compromise on day-to-day issues. After a certain age, you like the fridge organized how you like it, you like the cars you like, and so on. It was one thing when my ex-husband and I were developing our tastes over time from a young age – it seemed easy enough to micro-adjust along the way. But meshing with someone who already had half a century to do things one way while I do things another? That is tough. Worth it when the other relationship factors are in alignment, but still tough.”
But, some people find it’s easier to date once you’ve matured a bit:
“Dating when I was younger was excruciating. I was shy, had major self-esteem issues etc. Few years ago I did a bunch of therapy, changed a bunch of my lifestyle and now have had the best three and a half years of my life in my mid-thirties. The sex is much better, the nerves aren’t there, the communication is much more solid. I’m single but I’m now totally fine with who I am, being on my own and living my busy happy life with good friends. Nowadays I choose to let dating and relationships exist in my life however they’re supposed to, not how I believe they should because of peer pressure, societal pressure etc. I love being in my 30s.”
It’s also better to be single than trapped in a rocky marriage:
“You may not find the right one quickly but more importantly just don’t marry the wrong person. The real pain is investing yourself entirely in the wrong person. Solitude is pain, but toxic baggage is suffering.”
And, getting out of your comfort zone could actually work wonders:
“I was really depressed last year swiping the apps and asking friends for connections. Then I decided to actually go out (on my own) and found several bars and restaurants with a good scene, including some live music and different events each night… trivia, dance lessons, open mic.”
“I’ve gotten probably a dozen numbers now and had some great connections with girls I just met having drinks within a four-block radius. “What’s good here?” or “Mondays, am I right?”. Casual openers can lead to long conversations and sometimes a deeper connection.”
“One place I’ve had girls who were on dates start hitting on me and later tell me the date wasn’t going well. And I am not a player or “traditionally attractive”. Just had to get out there and find real people!”
Plus, when it feels like everybody has baggage, don’t lose hope:
“I met my fiancée when I was 33. At first, it can definitely feel like you missed the boat and there’s just damaged goods out there, but there’s folks out there who are looking for the right match too, both in your boat and otherwise.”
And finally, it can actually be fun to be single:
“I’ve stopped seeing someone in my 30s it’s just because… I’d rather be alone. I have a strong circle of friends that I love dearly, and I highly value my alone time. Society makes me feel like I’m broken because I’m not desperate for a live-in life partner the way most others are.”
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