50 Ways To Reply To An Out-Of-The-Blue Text From Your Piece Of Shit Ex

We’re all friends here, so let’s get real – breakups are the pits. They’re messy, leave you feeling gross, and when all of the fuckery is over and done with you’re left with an ex you either stay friends with (lmao), can tolerate, or straight up hate with a burning rage.

Let’s chat about the latter.

Time can pass, but copping the odd 3am drunken text, the “just checking in to see how you’re doing”, or even an invite to hang can be enough to make you want to deep fry your own hands and jump into the ocean.

Resist the urge bbs. Next time you cop an out-of-the-blue text from your piece of shit ex, just give them one of these totally tested, trialled and foolproof* replies and be on with your day.

*Results may will certainly vary.

#1 “New phone, who this?”

#2 Send them your obituary.

#3 Link them this ANTHEM.

#4 Throw your phone into the ocean.

#5 Superglue your hands in some oven mitts and RESIST THE URGE.

#6 “The number you have attempted to reach does not accept text messages from lil nasty-ass bitches at this time, please try again never xoxo.”

#7 Ghost them.

#8 “I’d rather have my fingers and toes be surgically switched than spend another moment of energy on you.”

#9 Ask your mum to reply for you.

#10 Put a message in a bottle, throw it into the ocean then wipe your hands clean knowing the universe will take care of it for you. No need to reply boo boo, you’re sorted.

#11 Key “STOP TEXTING ME” into their car door.

#12 Remind them of all the ways they wronged you and cry over the phone (lmao, can’t relate).

#13 Attach a message to your dog’s collar reminding them to kindly fuck off and get them to deliver it. Can’t get salty at a precious angel.

#14 “Talk to the hand, because the FACE ain’t listening.” Classic burn, TBH.

#15 Send them this cute minion meme.

#16 Send a photo of a stranger’s feet.

#17 Get your new partner to reply on your behalf.

#18 Don’t have a new partner? Make one up.

#19 Send a photo of the shit they left at your house, on fire.

#20 “Stay away from the heater, plastic melts, binch.”

#21 Call the police.

#22 “Make like a banana and get out of my life.”

#23 Remember their old passwords, log into their phone account, and cancel their service.

#24 “No.”

#25 “You had your chance. Too late, bitch.”

#26 “I’m pregnant.”

#27 Send them the entire script from Cars 3.

#28 Attempt to convert them to the Church of Scientology.

#29 Hire a hacker to divert any calls or texts straight to their mum.

#30 Let them know you’re suing them for pain and suffering.

#31 Send them a picture of a piece of shit with, “this is u” attached.

#32 Ask for their credit card details and book yourself a trip, you deserve it.

#33 Let them know how FINE you are.

#34 Try to get them to sign up for a pyramid scheme.

#35 Let them know you’ve changed your Netflix password. And if you haven’t already, do it.

#36 Sharpen your Photoshop skills and send them a pic of you and their family on holidays without them.

#37 Switch your number to private, wait until, like, 4am and prank call them.

#38 “A-choo! Sorry, I’m allergic to fake dogs.”

#39 Let them know you’re too busy participating in thotpocalypse to care.

#40 Remember you’re better than them and just turn your phone off and get a good night’s sleep. Oh, and stay hydrated.

#41 Breathe in, out, and listen to New Rules by Dua Lipa.

#42 Don’t let a piece of shit make you feel bad. Be grateful for what you DO HAVE and know that you’re great. Watch and learn.

Oh, and once you’ve finished watching this, your skin will clear up, your bills will be paid, your student loan will no longer exist and you’ll know exactly what to do with your life.

#43 Ask a friend what they reckon you should do.

#44 “Boy, bye.”

#45 Change your name and flee the country.

#46 Send them this article and pray they get the hint.

#47 Block.

#48 Report.

#49 Delete.

#50 Don’t reply and know you’re a beautiful baby angel who deserves all the happiness in the world, and you’ll get it. By not replying to this piece of garbage, ya know? Love you. xoxo

There you guys go. Make good choices and when in doubt, just flat-out ignore your piece of shit ex.