I Just Rewatched ‘Salad Fingers’ As An Adult & I’m Very Much Not OK

Remember ‘Salad Fingers’? Of course you do! The scary as fuck dude who had an infatuation with rubbing rusty spoons against his fingers, which were made of salad.

Remember when we all collectively decided that it was an okay and normal thing to be watching as children?

During a Punkee lunch break, we naturally stumbled upon the conversation topic of how cooked ‘Salad Fingers’ was. So, obviously, I decided to watch all 10 episodes — that’s 52 minutes and 32 seconds — of this godforsaken series and document my thoughts along the way.

Disclaimer: this series has been analysed to bloody death on threads and boards from all corners of the internet. There is said to be a deeper meaning surrounding child abandonment and war but look… I studied English Lit at uni and even I can’t be bothered with that whole idea. Let’s take this for what it is — a bunch of fuckery.

Aaaanyway, here are all of the thoughts I had while watching ‘Salad Fingers’ as an adult.

Why Are Your Teeth So Gross, Sis?

You’re living in a post-apocalyptic world, all your friends and family are dead, you’re severely mentally ill, I GET IT.

But trust and believe you’re not going to catch any hunnies with a mouth like that. Find yourself some post-apocalyptic toothpaste and sort yourself out. It’s not cute.

WYD Eating Your Friends Like That?

When you had a taste of the finger puppet, Margery Stuart Baxter, I knew you were a FREAK. But then you straight-up gobbled Jeremy Fisher, and that was not okay.

You can’t be mad over being alone with no friends when you’re eating some of the only ones you’ve got. Just like, do less.

I Feel Uncomfortable

Looking back on my notes I see that I’ve written the words, “I’m calling the police” which I think beautifully sums up my feelings while watching.

In fact, I got a message from a colleague asking if I was okay because, apparently, it looked like I had been crying. Bitch, I might have been. For an unrelated matter, but still.

Why’d You Murder That Child?

Have we all conveniently forgotten that Salad Fingers is a murderer? Never forget when he enlisted the help of that scared little boy to reach the fish deep in the back of his oven.

Distracted by some rusty nail in the wall, the oven door closed and the kid remained trapped inside as black smoke billowed out of the oven. Let’s pour one out for our fallen brother.

Why You Got So Many Dead Bodies In Your Home?

Again, I get that pickings are slim when it comes to making in friends in wherever the fucc you are, but damn boy (or girl, or neither, I’m really not sure) you’ve gotta stop hoarding dead bodies in your house.

They’re stanky, gross-looking and not the kind of thing house guests are into looking at. Ya nasty.

Thanks for joining me on this endeavour. I’m gonna go wash my eyes out with holy water, byeeeee.