28 Things That Happen At Every Aussie Schoolies
It’s the most frightening time of the year. Kebab shops are flooded by teens. The beaches are no longer safe. Surfers Paradise becomes a wasteland of horniness. Schoolies is happening.
This week schoolies kicks off, signifying a truly cursed but uniquely Australian rite of passage for school leavers.
Schoolies is literally the greatest thing about Australian culture
— MAIDA (@Maida26) November 25, 2018
The class of ’19 are currently swarming the shores of Surfers Paradise, Byron Bay, Lorne and even Bali and it’s got all of us here at Punkee reflecting on how we celebrated graduating high school back in the day.
It seems like no matter where we did schoolies, we all shared similiar experiences, so I have compiled a list of what happens on every schoolies week which will have y’all saying ‘SAME!’.
Here are 28 things that happen during every schoolies week:
#1. The trip begins by stocking up on all essentials like Midori, Tequila and UDLs
Mixed with some fancy wines you stole from your parents’ liquor cabinet.
#2. Someone gets crazy sunburnt on day one
And they whinge about it the whole damn week.
Just witnessed 15 sunburnt teenagers all hire scooters on the Gold Coast
Seems safe 😳
We are live from Schoolies tonight from 7PM
— Ash London LIVE! (@AshLondonLIVE) December 4, 2014
#3. You have a hectic drunken fight with your bestie
It’s usually over something super serious, like her flirting with your crush or stealing you hair straightener.
the "schoolies is the best time of your life" mantra is deeply concerning for me, someone who spent less than a week in Bateman's Bay then left and spent the remaining days in Canberra doing absolutely nothing because our group couldn't stop fighting
— Tahlia Pritchard (@Tahls) November 11, 2019
#4. The gang has to take an obligatory balcony photo before every night out
If you don’t take a photo on the hotel balcony, did the night even happen?
#5. Someone flashes their boobs
There’s nothing more freeing than flashing a group of strangers, often at a passing vehicle swiftly before running away with your mates and laughing your faces off.
#6. Someone passes out before you even leave the hotel
There’s always a lightweight who has one Bacardi Breezer at pres and is a write-off for the night.
#7. Someone vomits in the maxi taxi or rented van
Or worse, they actually pee themselves.
When you wanna get in a van to touch town quick but all of em got in schoolies that smell musty… pic.twitter.com/PagLlqukVc
— Franklin. (@IAintYuhFriend) September 23, 2019
#8. Someone vomits at the beach
Did you even do schoolies if you didn’t end up vomiting at the beach after too many Jägerbombs?
#9. Everyone lives off juice mixed with cheap alcohol
As beer for breakfast starts to become less appetising, this becomes the healthiest alternative.
#10. When they’re not chowing down on a dirty kebab
The schoolies diet is basically kebabs and Macca’s 24/7.
Wow.. We've definitely found the schoolies. It's 9:30pm and there's hundreds of drunks kids, some dancing to the music in the kebab shop.
— Tash Thompson (@Tash_09T) December 2, 2014
#11. Some idiot always buries themselves in the sand
Then they are stuck there while all their mates either give them boobs or turn them into a giant penis.
#12. A couple tries an open relationship just for the week
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to have an open relationship just for schoolies, they are really just wanting permission to cheat.
Thinking about my highschool boyfriend who pressured me into an open relationship then didn’t talk to me for two weeks when he found out I hooked up with someone else while he was on schoolies doing the exact same damn thing. Sheeeeeesh. The shit I used to let men get away with!!
— ༺ARIEL༻ (@dead_girlfriend) April 13, 2019
#13. You hook up with someone you never would sober
Beer googles on schoolies is on a whole other level.
#14. Everyone posts a bikini selfie captioned, “It’s a vibe”.
It really WAS a vibe.
every time someone knocks on our door at schoolies I am legally required to carry out a vibe check before entry
— nadia (@nadiaachinn) November 5, 2019
#15. The gang spends everyday hungover in the pool
If you’re going to be hungover everyday, you may as well be floating in a pool sipping on gin and juice.
#16. Your mates steal a trolley from Coles or Woolies
The only acceptable mode of transport on schoolies to get to the beach is a shopping trolley.
#17. Someone gets a bad tattoo
It’s just a classic gag that will scar your body for the rest of your life.
View this post on Instagram
Last night I tattooed the mighty Colonel Sanders face straight onto this schoolies kids chest for his first tattoo! So refreshing to do an original piece like this 🤣🍗 Tag a friend who would get a tattoo like this! One person tagged gets $50 off their next tattoo session. #idontcare #iloveit #kfc #schoolies2018
#18. Someone tries to cook and almost destroys your hotel room
Schoolies is not the time to find out if you should be the next MasterChef. It usually ends with some idiot nearly setting the place on fire.
The only thing scarier than spiders and snakes in Australia are aussie kids at schoolies.
— ꦲꦶꦏ꧀ꦩꦃ (@hikkuT) November 7, 2019
#19. Someone streaks around the pool or runs into the ocean naked
There’s always one person in every group with a weird obsession with volunteering to streak without any form of provocation.
#20. Your whole group ends up at a random person’s house
I once ended up in a stranger’s caravan in Coffs Harbour. Class of 2019, please make better choices than me.
aussies pls tell me your funky schoolies stories ill start, me and a group of 4 other girls caught an uber to a random guys house we'd never met, we told our uber if we dont call him later we're dead, we played drinking games with them it was the first time i was blackout drunk
— liz ♡ 13.5k (@triviaminnie) November 9, 2019
#21. A mate gets turned down at the club because their fake ID is so bad
Or they get so drunk that they show the bouncer their L-Plates licence proving they’re underage. Another story that DEFINITELY didn’t happen to me.
#22. One person in the gang gets targeted for constant pranks
There’s always one friend that has all their stuff wrapped in cling wrap or tin foil or their suitcase filled with garbage.
#23. Some random D-list celeb will host an event
Why is it always Scotty T?
JUST REALISED THAT EGG BOY WILL CONNOLLY WILL BE AT MY SCHOOLIES F U C K ING RATE THAT
— mj (@capaItea) November 12, 2019
#24. By the end of the trip all the alcohol is stacked on the table
The empty bottles become a schoolies altar.
#25. Or left in a pile and used as a bed
I heard used cans or a half-filled goon bag make an excellent pillow.
#26. You lose all your mates on at least one night out
They are usually just standing out the front of the venue looking for you, but for those few minutes you feel completely alone in the world.
#27. It’s not schoolies unless you spot a toolie lurking about
We see you.
An overage rat that goes to schoolies: ratatoolie
— tristan (@tr00stan) November 9, 2019
#28. By the end of the week your hotel room is trashed and you all lose your bond
Mistakes were made, now it’s time to finally live up to your responsibilities and…ask your parents to pay for the carpet to be steam cleaned.
Stay safe, fam.