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From Choking To Rough Play: When Does Kinky Sex Cross The Line Of Consent?

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Sexual preferences and kinks are something that people are readily embracing more and more. This can be a glorious thing, as stigma and shame are reduced and instead, we can all wave our freak flags as high as we like.

We’ve come a long way from the older generations where anything other than vanilla sex was something to hide, or only discussed within certain circles. Due to films like 50 Shades, BDSM has been having a moment in the last decade, but other kinks like role play, foot fetishes, and rope/bondage are all becoming just another part of one’s sexual experiences.

But has this embracement of alternative sex seen an overcorrection in how we view vanilla sex? Over on TikTok, there are loads of videos under the hashtag #FreakTok (or similar) where vanilla sex is shamed. “Vanilla is the new frigid,” one commenter wrote on a video where a man mocked his girlfriend for not wanting to be choked during sex.

People who enjoy standard sex are often dismissed as “vanillas” on the platform.

@ha.logan #fyp #foryou #freak #kinktok #viral #blowup #blowthisup #fypシ ♬ original sound – logan 🙂

As we become increasingly sex-positive, this push to dismiss kink-free sex sounds rather sex-negative to me. And normalising some of the more dangerous kinks during sex is having wider consequences when it comes to kinky acts that should only be attempted with consent and caution.

There’s been a steep rise in women being choked during sex, with a 2021 survey conducted at a large US university finding that one in three undergraduate female respondents between the ages of 18 and 24 revealed they were choked during their last sexual encounter.

Most alarmingly, as choking becomes more mainstream, stories are coming out about choking happening without consent.

The rise of internet memes like ‘choke me daddy’, #FreakTok, porn trends, alongside kinkier sexual habits featuring in movies like 365 Days, has meant that choking is becoming not just normalised, but the norm.

Choking is not a new concept, it’s been practiced in the BDSM community for centuries and is one aspect of ‘breath play’, but it’s now becoming so mainstream that people are practising it without taking safety precautions, or even asking for consent first.

“It was really intense and kind of awful,” an anonymous woman told me after being non-consensually choked. “We were smashing from behind and then he put his hands up around my throat and started to do it [choke me], so I literally was like ‘omg do not do that, don’t choke me’ and then he’s like ‘I’m not,’… I asked to stop and started crying.”

Choking is an advanced sexual technique that comes with obvious dangers, and it should only be considered between two people with mutual consent and respect. Another woman who spoke to Punkee said they experienced non-consensual choking “in a situation with a one-night stand”.

“He went in for the choke with no communication and it was actually really scary because his grip was so tight and he was also basically some stranger I had met on the dancefloor that night. He seemed to just assume it was fine to do that without asking and it left a really sour taste in my mouth. I hit at his hands to make him stop and he did, but needless to say that’s where our romance ended.”

Along with choking, other aggressive actions like hair-pulling also seem to be becoming more common. “I had two similar experiences in close succession,” one anonymous woman told me. “In both sexual encounters, the man was having sex with me, doggy style, and he grabbed my hair and wrapped it around his wrist and pulled on my head like I was a horse and my hair was the reigns. It was super confronting and I was shocked that I was never asked if it was okay.”

In light of this worrying trend, we chatted to an expert to get their guidance on how to navigate it.

We spoke with Lovehoney Sexologist, Chantelle Otten, about vanilla sex, the normalisation of kinky sex, and how consent is never optional.

Vanilla sex is becoming almost as stigmatised as kinky sex was 10 years ago. Is it okay to just want to have vanilla sex anymore?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla! The sex you like is personal to you, and if the bedroom activities you are into are more ‘vanilla’ then so be it. And good sex is based on the pleasure you derive from it. You don’t have to be kinky or sexually adventurous to have good sex, you just need to focus on pleasure, the pleasure of yourself, and your partner/s.

Me and my girlfriends have noticed acts like choking, hair-pulling, and more generalised dominating actions are becoming just another part of sex, why do you think this is?

We, as a society, are becoming increasingly more sex-positive and we’re seeing more open conversations in mainstream media around pleasure and sexuality, which is incredible. As we’re now seeing more portrayals of sex and sexuality, we’re also being exposed to more content on kinks, BDSM, and rough sex, which is where you generally have acts like choking, spanking, and hair-pulling.

Arguably pop culture has played a role in BDSM acts taking centre stage, with the likes of the 50 Shades of Grey franchise, Netflix’s 365 Days trilogy and How To Build A Sex Room series experiencing wild success.

I, however, do notice that there is a trend of these acts being performed without conversation beforehand, so non-consensually. This is not okay, and there must ALWAYS be affirmative consent to these activities.

Can this be a good thing? That fetishes are no longer something we hide?

This increase in sex-positivity and general awareness is a great thing: it’s all about removing the shame and the stigma from things that bring us pleasure. Sexual happiness and satisfaction are proven to have multiple benefits when it comes to both our physical health and our mental health, so making this a subject that’s free from embarrassment and shame is really important.

We still have a long way to go when it comes to the normalisation of sex, but, over the last few years, we have come leaps and bounds as a society.

Do you see a correlation between changing porn trends/preferences and what men now think is standard sex?

Yes, but not just men. All genders. I do however want to acknowledge that there is a rise of ethical porn where BDSM and kink is portrayed in healthier ways than originally portrayed in the past. This includes porn with consent, condoms, and communication. This rise of different preferences is also down to more open conversation around these topics, so people feel less ashamed around their preferences.

Do you see a correlation between memes like ‘choke me daddy’ and TikTok culture on what men (and women) now think is standard sex?

As with most things, with the good comes the bad. While it’s amazing that we’re slowly breaking down taboos regarding sex and sexuality, we’re now seeing this arise within meme culture, of which ‘choke me daddy’ is one example. This can potentially be dangerous, particularly for a younger demographic.

A recent Lovehoney Australia study found that 42 percent of Aussies have sustained an injury during sex, of which women are more susceptible (47 percent), compared to men (33 percent). Age was also found to play a role, with the most injury-prone being the younger generation, aged between 25 and 35, with 66 percent stating they’ve been injured during sex.

While bedroom disasters can sometimes happen through honest or careless mistakes, the Lovehoney research found that bruising is the most common injury. Bruises can be mild to moderate and occur when capillaries under the skin burst. Hickeys, spanking, choking and rough sex are the most common culprits of bruising, which is why it is so important to approach these acts with caution.

While acts like choking are becoming more common, people need to understand that rough sex is not violent and consent is always key. The danger of meme culture is that these crucial bits of information aren’t being communicated in a static meme or 15-second TikTok.

My girlfriends and I have noticed when hooking up with men that consent is often not requested before choking or other painful sex acts begin. Should consent always be requested by men?

Consent isn’t optional and I can’t stress this enough. Affirmative consent always needs to be obtained by all parties involved. Particularly when we’re talking about introducing erotic asphyxiation or breath play into sex because this isn’t as simple as a yes or no. I would say that I am worried about the lack of consent being obtained in these circumstances.

When talking about consent for choking and breath play, we need to be asking open questions to gain insight into their feelings about trying breath play and talk through your thoughts and fantasies. There needs to be an understanding of the boundaries and rules before you even think about touching your partner’s neck.

With breath play, it’s also recommended to have non-verbal cues that can be used in place of a safe word. Without all of these steps taken and acknowledged, you must not engage in breath play due to the dangerous implications if something does go wrong. Your partner should be able to answer you if you speak.

How do women navigate this, when they feel like a kinky sex act has crossed the line of consent?

With any kind of sexual kinks and play, it’s important to discuss these with your sexual partner. I would recommend introducing the topic outside of the bedroom and coming to an agreement on ground rules and boundaries before the kink play takes place.

Remember, if you are feeling uncomfortable or unsafe you can withdraw your consent at any time and stop the sexual activity. A vulva owner’s words, tone and non-verbal cues are all important when providing consent. If your partner continues when you are uncomfortable, this is a violation of your consent and could be a criminal act.

Is choking in general something people should only practice if they educate themselves on how to do it safely?

Absolutely, a level of education is required before engaging in choking or breath play because there can be serious consequences in the instance something does go wrong.

In terms of choking safely, you need an understanding of the anatomy of the neck so you’re not causing any damage. Remember, you are just looking to restrict air flow, so be very conscious of the strength you are using on your partner’s neck, as this should be light.

You always need to be mindful during play to ensure the safest experience for you and your partner. Be careful not to get too caught up in the moment and restrict airflow for too long, just seconds at a time until you find your rhythm. Apply pressure softly and slowly as this reduces the risk of causing any damage.

I would also recommend introducing the conversation and topic outside of any sexual play or encounter. Make sure you know what you’re doing and ask for explicit verbal consent from your partner.

Any final thoughts?

Sex is about pleasure, and your safety should be guaranteed by your sexual partner. So for whoever is reading this, make sure you do your due diligence and don’t be a loser, ask for affirmative consent and watch body language for discomfort.

Remember, consent can be withdrawn at any time.

We need to increase awareness that asking for consent is not only compulsory and respectful but it’s also really sexy! Have the conversation and build excitement, ask your partner ‘would you like it if I do this?’ or ‘would you want me to touch you here?’.

It can provide opportunities to explore new territories and activities together. It’s important to also check in with yourself and your partner during sexual experiences. Constant and good communication is the foundation for a great sexual experience.