10 Ways To Stop Your Snake Ex From Slithering Their Way Back Into Your Life

Did y’all know that Venus is in retrograde?

It’s true, from October 5 to November 16 this year, Venus retrograde could interrupt the flow of your most important ties or snap you out of a starry-eyed reverie. Since retrogrades rule the past, ex-lovers (and old issues) can resurface during this six-week cycle.

Basically, it’s prime time for all of our piece of shit exes to try and creep their way back into our lives but you know what, we’re not going to let them.

And if you find yourself tempted to reply to that “you up?” text, don’t worry because we have you covered with ways to stop your snake ex from slithering their way back into your life.

#1 Throw Your Phone Into The Ocean

Can’t reply to a late night text if you don’t have a phone.

If you don’t live near the ocean that’s totally fine, any body of water will do the trick. A river, a pool, a bathtub, a toilet, a… you get it.

#2 Send Them Your Obituary

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know what you’re probably thinking, “is it really necessary I fake my own death?” The answer to that question is yes. It’s always yes.

But make sure you send the obituary from a burner phone. Perhaps a Motorola Razr? Something that won’t be traced back to you.

#3 Don’t Leave Your House

At least until the coast is clear, your ex might just try to visit you IRL. Don’t open the door under any circumstances.

Even if your housemate yells out, “dude, open the door, I locked my keys inside!” do NOT open it. It very well could be your ex with a voice recording of your mate. Keep your wits about you.

#4 Leave The Country

Have you been waiting for the perfect time to jet off overseas for a cheeky holiday? Well, now is the perfect opportunity to do so.

You’ll be so busy filling your Instagram with travel snaps to even worry about your nasty-ass ex. Plus, they will get wicked jealous by all the photos. Oh, and travel is fulfilling, a great form of education, and whatever.

#5 Sell Their Identity To An Overseas Scammer

This isn’t exactly helpful, but it’s fun and an awesome way of earning a little extra cash.

Ask one of your nerdy friends to introduce you to the dark web, or just start uploading copies of your ex’s passport, birth certificate on suspicious Reddit boards and hope for the best! If you’re lucky someone might just steal their identity.

Then, they’ll be too busy filing police reports to hassle you.

#6 Catfish Them

Think they’re trying to rekindle a very, very dead flame? Find them someone new!

Well, I’m not actually suggesting you play cupid, but rather catfish them. You can take the piss and do it over a few hours or days, or just fully commit and play the long game. Have them fall in love with an internet stranger (you) then break their heart after 10 years.

A little taste of their own medicine, sort of thing.

#7 Talk To Their Parents

Send this text:

Dear Mr. and Mrs (insert last name here)

I am writing to you to talk about (insert name here). I was wondering why you gave birth to such a garbage monster, and if you could help me identify the exact point in their life that they became such a gronk?

Yours faithfully,

(insert name here).

#8 Block, Report & Delete

I’m not joking. Why do you still follow them on Instagram? So you can accidentally view their story and then feel shitty for the rest of the day.

Love yourself, pick your phone up and unfollow/unfriend them from every single thing. You won’t regret it. I promise.

#9 Hit Them With Your Car

OMG, I am KIDDING!!!

…kinda. 😉

#10 Remind Them Why You Don’t Want To Talk To Them

You see, the thing about a truly shitty ex, is that they genuinely forget (or at least do an exceptional job at pretending they forget) what they did to you. They’re a piece of shit for a reason, right?

Well, let them know it. Tell them how they hurt you. This usually makes them retreat and slither back to where they belong — far the fuck away from you.

Goodluck bbies, love yourself.