I Spoke To Boys On Tinder The Way I Talk To My Cats & I Get It, I’m Going To Die Alone

If you are a woman that exists on the internet you’ll know too well that we get sent gross shit daily, especially on dating apps like Tinder.

After so much scrolling and swiping, I’m beginning to question my sanity. So I decided to do something a bit bonkers.

Firstly, here’s a bit of background on me:

I have two cats (Buffy and Chandler, respectively) and I’m obsessed with them. Some think of the label of being a ‘crazy cat lady’ as an insult, I wear it as a badge of honour.

Since I spend a fair chunk of my day working from home alone, I talk to my cats. I talk to my cats a lot. What of it?

So during a particularly grim Tinder sesh, I decided to experiment with speaking to the men I encounter on the app as though I was addressing my cats. It got deeply weird but tbh, I’d still take kooky cat chat over a unsolicited dick pic any day.

It started off pretty chill.

Nothing too weird about greeting a total stranger with an overzealous “Hello my special boy!” followed up by a casual “Don’t be a grumpy grump!”.

I think he thought I was using my mum’s Tinder account or something (thanks for those nightmares) and this was NOT the vibe I was very clearly going for.

Next up, I was greeted by a gentleman with a very kind “Your lips.” That’s all. What a wonderful way to start a meaningful relationship.

This was going to be too easy.

I was rather surprised to be schooled on proper Tinder etiquette by a man who addressed me by naming a random facial feature but sure. Either way, he grew frustrated with me and I decided to leave him be.

There are plenty more lips in the sea.

This next guy was onto me.

While he seemed to enjoy the new name I had bestowed upon him, ‘snuggle face’, he soon questioned my humanity.

In fear of the police coming to my house, I exited the convo and unmatched. He was a VERY grumpy boy indeed.

I maaaaaay have come on a little strong with the next fella.

He left me with a mysterious GIF and I took that as a sign our courtship was over.

I then DEFINITELY came on too strong with the next guy. I may have scarred him for life.

I honestly feel bad for this last guy and I’m pretty sure I just spooked my future husband.

Seriously, some of these guys had waaaay too much patience for what I put them through.

Maybe cat chat can be used on non-felines after all?