A Loving Look At Australia’s Most Cursed Festival, Stereosonic
Like the cancellation of McCain’s potato smiles, the end of Stereosonic was a modern-day tragedy.
When the festival announced their untimely demise in 2016, hundreds of thousands of attendees experienced vast mental breakdowns, primarily over the thought that they’d never muzz again.
You might be thinking “who the fk cares? Festivals get cancelled all the time!”. Well, Karen, you’re WRONG, because Stereo was deeper than just a festival…it was an institution.
It was a safe, supportive, nurturing space for meatheads to gabber and haqq like it was nobody’s business. It was a place where lads could take off their white G-Star tees, tuck them into their shorts, and show off their Anytime Fitness abs without being judged or side-eyed.
Nautica, Tommy Hilfiger & Adidas all took major sales hits during the cancellation. Black caps, white Volleys and Aviator sunnies all clogged the shelves, falling fast out of style as they no longer served a purpose.
Also, no one was hit harder during the abolition than the bumbag industry. Imagine, the faces of the store owners across Australia, when they received their increased shipment of fanny packs in November, and nobody showed up to buy…
The worst of all was the dissolution of meatheads on social media posting shirtless group pics at the festival. It doesn’t matter how lanky you were, if you didn’t take your shirt off, put on your sunnies, tilt your cap and take a photo then you didn’t go to Stereo.
Therefore we’ve put together a list of everything that died with the cancellation of Australia’s most iconic electro festival.
Here are 8 things that went down at every Stereosonic festival:
1. Groups of meathead gym junkies taking shirtless pics…
It’s an unwritten rule that the boys have to come together for a pic of who can flex their chest the hardest. Notice a couple of clenched fists? It’s not anger, it’s bulking.
2. …and then tucking their tees into shorts that were waaaay too tight
Coined the unofficial uniform of Stereo; throw in a bumbag, a pair of sunnies and some TNs and you’re pretty much the poster boy for the festival.
3. Chupa Chups and Vicks being festival staples
I finally get why Vicks Inhalers run out on Stereosonic day
— Charles (@CharlesGundesen) November 29, 2014
Ever wonder exactly what’s in the fanny pack? It’s not hand sanitiser and chapstick that’s for sure. It’s legit just strawberries and cream Chupa Chups and Vicks Vapour Sticks, which I can only assume were used for cold and fever symptoms.
4. Death Circles
Death Circles are the worst thing that the human race has ever come up with. Everyone gets pushed to form a ring and once the beat drops 2000 meatheads all jump in and shoulder each other, which leads to my next point…
5. Fights breaking out from an overload of Meathead-osterone
That Stereosonic fight haha juiced up guys in tiny shorts with sleeves throwing sly digs everywhere. Go to a festival and enjoy it man!!
— Neb Augustinov (@NebAugustinov) December 8, 2014
Stereo fights are iconic. It’s literally a social experiment of putting 200,000 gym junkies, who have taken too much protein, and seeing what’s gonna happen. Even if you just LOOK at Moey the wrong way, he will try his best to ensure your muzz is your last.
6. Constant flexing
There’s always someone flexing at Stereo. But, can you blame them? They’ve probably been eating chicken and veggies for the past three months while going to the gym twice a day and downing a protein shake every few hours. Go on and flex guys, y’all deserve it.
7. And too many tattoo sleeves to count
Why do we always talk about the basic bitch infinity tattoo, but never the bogan sleeve? Honestly, there are enough sleeves at Stereosonic to fill a binder. It’s time this trend moved on.
'hey bro, this singlet and sleeve tatt makes me look like a bit of a dick, doesn't it..?' – said by no one on their way to stereosonic, ever
— M D Nicholas (@mattdnicholas) December 1, 2012
8. Finally, we can’t forget the most important part of Stereo: the Muzzing, Hakking and Gabbering
There isn’t a Stereo without a massive dude muzzing so hard that he’s either going to knock someone out or dent the earth. Someone teach us?