Here’s A Vague Summary Of What Went Down In The First Week of ‘Survivor’

Australian Survivor has returned for another season, and so have Punkee’ recaps, as we seek to outwit, outplay and outlast your last nerve.

We know there are plenty of Survivor recaps out there. Typically, the kind that deeply analysis strategy and tactics, which are often written by Survivor superfans that have watched every single episode of the 36 U.S seasons.

In short: they truly know their shit.

This is not that kind of recap. I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t watched any of the American seasons. So strap in, we’re about to get real silly.

We open with Hostie. I don’t know his name but he definitely looks like he shreds like a mudderfucker and owns far too many pairs of cargo shorts.

He stands on a small rock in the ocean, reminding us that we are all tiny pieces in this crazy puzzle called life. Thank you.

But wait…next shot.

NOW HE’S UP HERE!!

This show is wild. This man means business.

Next, we meet some of the people that will live on this tropical island and (perhaps) become some kind of cannibal society.

They are divided this season into people that are good at things and people that are not. They’re calling it ‘champions vs contenders’, which we all know means ‘winners vs normies’.

We meet a very confident American called Russell. He definitely plays the saxophone.

This guy looks like he just watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, took very shitty/hard-to-read notes and improvised.

Oh and the trainer on The Biggest Loser is here, so y’all are fucked.

Now it’s time to make the winners and normies fight! Hell yeah!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Break some teeth! Split a rib! Puncture an artery! (Okay, I’m getting too into this.)

But they must be low on budget this season because the first challenge just involves two women fighting over a bag of oranges.

‘I WANT DEM ORANGES, CAROL! THEY MINE!’

‘Not soo fast love, I need me fresh OJ every day.’

‘GIVE ME THAT VITAMIN D!!!!!’

In the end the winners won. Shocking.

The normies head back to camp and want to make a fire. But they have no clue how to make it happen.

This guy decides to sacrifice himself.

The camp tries to set Zach on fire. They start with his foot.

Easy does it. Barbequed Zach does sound delish.

The fire will not alight. No dinner tonight.

At Fire Chat, grumpy cop Matt attempts to expose a “bromance” happening among the tribe members.

‘There’s defs a secret male alliance goin on, ya know’

His fellow tribe peeps firmly disagree and send him into the sea.

This is just confusing. WHAT BROMANCE???

Absolutely nothing to see here.

In the next ep, Sax Man gets the vague impression that he’s going to be evicted because… no one likes him or wants to be near him or in his company. Jeez! Paranoid, much?

It’s desperate times, and this calls for EXTREMELY desperate measures.

He decides to start proposing to his teammates. I guess, if they’re married, they can’t possibly vote him off? It’s an experimental tactic.

Sax Man starts with the poker champ lady. And, let me tell you, her poker face sucks.

She rejects his proposal.

He tries again. This time he proposes to football person Mat.

This time Mat accepts, and they head off to talk wedding invitations and honeymoon destinations.

Feeling confident with his newfound husband, Sax Man heads into Fire Chat ready to lie and scheme his way through.

He tells Hostie that he is very good at playing the game and that everyone else sucks, which is a bold technique to get other people to like you.

Just when he gets cocky AF, the women start speaking their truths about ol’ Sax Man.

‘wha dafuq?’

WOMEN!

GET!

SHIT!

DONE!

The Sax Man can lie all he wants. While the men seem to eat it right up, the ladies know what’s up and expose this gronk.

I think this is the precise moment Sax Man realised he can’t fool us.

Oh shit, you are fucked.

This is the ultimate power move as it turns out all the kickass women in the tribe are totally controlling the game. It’s incredibly empowering. This is how I felt when I got my first period.

Anyways, the idiot left. The ladies made it happen and are heroes.

Bye, Sax Man. Be freeeeeeeee. (But pls never return, srsly)

BOOM!!!