ali bachelorette finale

‘The Bachelorette’ Finale: Ali’s In Love & Australia, We Can All Take A Well-Earned Rest Now

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Holy guacamole, you guys! Bachelor season has officially come to an end after the longest three months of everyone’s lives.

Tonight saw Ali choose her one true love and unlike me, it wasn’t a packet of Tim Tams that never runs out.

The show went all out for Ali, flying her to the NT on Jetstar! Phew, we’re getting fancy up in here. But we don’t have all night and I’ve already been at work for 12 hours, so let’s get onto what actually happened.

We reminisced on Taite and Ali’s journey up until this point:

the bachelorette ali taite finale

It’s been deep.

And then we reminisced on Ali and Todd’s journey up until this point:

Image result for todd suit of armour bachelorette

Remember that time Todd wore a squeaky suit of armour? Haha!

Taite pondered if Tiger Air had any cheap flights out of the feelings territory.

taite bachelorette finale

While Todd ran along the beach looking like a right snack.

Taite met the family first and got grilled by Ali’s dad.

taite ali bachelorette finale

Ali’s dad was like “have you told Alison how you feel?” and Taite’s like “um, my dick body and energy language has???”

Taite is a beautiful, beautiful idiot.

Todd told Ali’s family he has no reservations about moving to Adelaide.

It turns out Todd has no direction about what he wants to do if he doesn’t make it into the police force. The rest of us would just assume he’d be the next Bachelor, but anyway! I don’t make the rules around here. Yet.

Todd did say this lovely line about Ali’s journey and proved he’s just too pure for this harsh, reality world.

Todd and Ali celebrated Todd’s love for Ali by going on a helicopter ride over Darwin.

todd ali the bachelorette finale

The two then indulged in some ant gin and canoodled in a waterhole while they canoodling each other’s mouth holes… meanwhile, a poor cameraman must’ve been about 5cm away, under the waterfall with them. Romance.

Todd told Ali he could see her as the mother of kids and that he can’t see his life without her, and that he’s wildly in love. Like, it’s beautiful and all but um, you guys have known each other for about five weeks, this is STRESSFUL TO WATCH.

“I can’t handle these feelings anymore,” I texted my therapist. “Not everything is about you, shut up and watch the show,” she replied.

On Ali’s date with Taite she begged him to open up and drop the L-bomb:

taite ali bachelorette

Sorry, we don’t get sent the final episode early so you’re going to have to make do with my artwork.

Taite and Ali met at a lodge to explore the “amazing wetlands” which wasn’t actually a metaphor for them tonguing each other more. Taite asked if Ali was flying the tiny plane they were going in, and Ali called him “goofy, but smart and logical” which seems like… the opposite… of everything he just said.

Taite told Ali he’s looking to find love but her insane timeline of marriage and kids and ticking off boxes has scared the fuck out of him.

Then Ali being so upset about Taite not matching up to her timeline freaked her the fuck out. It’s almost like perfect, hot angel Todd never even existed and all Ali can see is the shadow of the children she could have had with Taite.

Which would look like this by the way:

ali bachelorette finale

And in case you’re curious, her kids with Todd would look like this.

ali bachelorette finale

Um, yikes.

Ali may need to rethink her whole damn timeline tbh.

OK OK. We all know the last 10 minutes is the best part of the episode, so let’s get to it.

Ali was ready to declare her feelings in a swamp. She told Osher she’s so, so in love.

Osher has heard her say this at least two times before probably, but he’s also one of the best actors of our generation at this point after many seasons of this show.

In the limo Todd tells us “he loves Ali more than she’ll ever understand” and… well we all know what’s about to happen. Start playing your sad violins, everyone.

Our boi Todd got Matty J-ed! Down until the final crumple as his heart gave way.

I have never, ever, ever seen a brokenhearted Bachy be so sweet but also so upset.

I’m not crying, I’m just super snotty from hayfever or something, IDK.

Ali then told us she doesn’t even care if Taite doesn’t drop the L-bomb, coz she’s just excited to tell him she loves him.

Taite & Ali

The third time was the charm for our gorgeous Ali. We couldn't be happier for this amazing couple ❤️️

Posted by The Bachelorette Australia on Thursday, 15 November 2018

It would seem like Ali had learned nothing at all from her past mistakes, but thankfully our sweet, idiot boy managed to express his feelings after all.

And the two sunk deep down into the swamp, to live out their new lives together, while prince charming rode off in the distance. Damn, imagine Todd’s DMs tonight, and that’s only assuming 579 are from me.

But seriously, Ali… We are truly happy for you and hope this is your forever match.