Here’s What Your Teen Magazine Subscription Says About You
It feels like an outdated pastime, but if you grew up in the ’90s or ’00s then your favourite magazine being released was probably the highlight of every month.
Whether you had a subscription, or simply picked up a monthly copy at your local Coles or Woolies when you could afford it, there was nothing like peeling open a new issue. While magazine titles have come and gone in the last ten years, sadly most of the magazines we cherished in our youth no longer exist — either at all, or in print form.
This is especially sombre as the magazine you chose to read as a teen shaped who you became as an adult, and we reckon we can predict what you’re like now based on your favourite mag.
What Your Teen Magazine Subscription Says About You:
TV Hits
’90s babies, where y’all at?! While TV Hits has long been discontinued, many will fondly recall these mags for the “funktastic posters” each issue contained. Without this mag, my walls would have been empty canvasses for my entire early teens. TV Hits readers are most likely now the kind of people who spend their weekends meal-prepping or alphabetising their ever-expanding cookbook shelf, while watching a nostalgic classic like Never Been Kissed or She’s All That.
Most likely to: Tag your friend in the same meme three days in a row.
Smash Hits
Smash Hits was for pop music lovers who like their artists to have a bit of an edge, like you know…P!nk or Rob Thomas. If you subscribed to this magazine growing up, these days you are all about scrapbooking, own almost everything on Etsy, and have taken up knitting unironically. While your hard-partying days are behind you, when you do have a night out you’re of the belief system that you should either go hard or go home.
Most likely to: Buy the first round of espresso martinis.
Total Girl
On to the ’00s kids, Total Girl was a staple for any young teen. This is where you got all your One Direction, 5SOS and Little Mix intel to stay up to date. These days, Total Girl subscribers are either sipping on bubble tea, or making a TikTok of your cat. You’re the kind of person who texts in their sleep and you always have three different brands of gum in your bag at any one time.
Most likely to: Be a micro-influencer on Instagram.
K-Zone
Full disclosure: I’ve never read K-Zone. It’s a magazine that I never really thought to buy growing up, as it lacked celebrity goss, fashion trends, or posters of Leonardo DiCaprio wearing basketball shorts. K-Zone readers as adults love to stay in with a board game, with the days of going out to parties or a seedy nightclub behind them. You spend your free time either scrolling Reddit, playing Sudoku, or tagging your friends in NSFW memes.
Most likely to: Quote way too much from The Mandalorian.
Girlfriend
Girlfriend was the first ‘grown-up’ magazine that I ever read. It not only helped me learn how to talk to boys, but how to wear my hair in interesting styles, so I would have the confidence to…talk to boys. If you subscribed to Girlfriend growing up, you’re now obsessed with watching true crime shows and plan your dating life around your horoscope. You’re the kind of person who is always keen for a cheeky trip to Kmart or Macca’s at 2am, and you’re the last to leave after-work drinks every Friday night.
Most likely to: Demand the DJ plays Christina Aguilera’s ‘Dirrty’.
Dolly
As a teen aged around 13 to 14 I read Girlfriend, but as I approached the age of 15, the pages of Dolly called to me. Dolly was slightly more mature than Girlfriend, as back in the ’00s the magazine often spoke more candidly about sex. If you grew up reading Dolly, you probably got your early sex advice from the Dolly Doctor. These days, you think of yourself as a bit of a sexpert, giving out (often unsolicited) advice to all your friends. You’re the dating app queen, you have practically every app that exists, but you struggle to commit to relationships because you’re picky and won’t settle. Tbh, never change.
Most likely to: Block all your exes on Instagram.
Cleo
You’re a total fancy pants. I didn’t read Cleo as a teen, but I had friends who did and they were simply much more sophisticated than me. As an adult, you still have your shit together. You’re the kind of person who actually replies to emails, never flakes on the gym, and stays busy outside work hours by starting a side-hustle business. You surround yourself with a circle of inspiring women and your bookcase is filled with memoirs from kickass ladies.
Most likely to: Own an air fryer — and actually know how to use it.
triple J Magazine (Formerly jmag)
You always march to the beat of your own drum, preferring to do your own thing — rather than following the crowd. In adulthood, you are still obsessed with music but you don’t go to as many gigs as you used to. Instead, you prefer to stay in and watch Netflix with your dog, or plan your next trip to Asia. You’re serious about weekend brunch and it’s the highlight of your week, along with drinking beer at your local park on Sunday afternoon.
Most likely to: Have a signature way to make chilli and guard the recipe with your life.
Frankie
You’re cool. We get it. I didn’t read Frankie in my youth because, well, it did not exist. Frankie readers stay busy in the day by colour-coding their scarf collection or vintage sandal shopping. At night, you watch obscure Korean cinema while eating artisan cheese and bagel chips. Your adult home is dedicated to the cottagecore aesthetic, and you have an unwavering commitment to owning every wind chime imaginable.
Most likely to: Own a pet named after your favourite native flower or contemporary female poet.