Our Savage First Impressions Of ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants On Tonight’s Premiere
We might be in the midst of a pandemic, but one scrap of normalcy we can cling to is that The Bachelor is back and we get to mercilessly judge the actions and mistakes of strangers on TV. Live! Laugh! Love!
Tonight’s premiere served up some extremely weird moments. There was Areeba cutting Zoe-Clare’s lunch — which is nothing we haven’t seen on this show before — but Zoe-Clare’s confused rant that came afterwards is certainly something we didn’t see coming. Zoe-Clare got more unhinged as the night continued and she ended up convincing herself that Areeba targeted her because she had, err…red hair.
Things got messy from there and no one involved ended up looking good. Let’s go through all the women we met tonight and our first impressions…
AKA Red Hair Rights!
Zoe-Clare sauntered onto set with that sexy villain music, so we immediately knew she would bring drama. And oh boy, the bitch came through. She immediately labelled herself a, “loud, blunt and fiery red head” (check, check, check!) and warned that she won’t stand for much and will call people out for being dishonest.
Upon meeting Bachy, she compared him to chocolate cake and later said she wants to slice him up and eat him for dinner, so I’m 98% sure that Zoe-Clare is a horny cannibal and here purely to feast on Bachy flesh. Locky better locky his doors. She later feuded with Areeba, after she interrupted Zoe-Clare’s chat with Locky, and she did not let that shit go. “I just want to get that rose so I can go, ‘I win! You lose! Fu*k off!’” she rambled to an unresponsive Laura.
She decided that Areeba came for her purely because she has red hair (because of course!) and something clearly triggered her as her reaction was extreme and illogical. The “fiery red head” later got up in Areeba’s face in front of everyone and didn’t make a lot of sense. She didn’t even make it to the rose ceremony but still got a rose, as producers clearly saw dollar signs during her overdramatic stunt. Zoe-Clare is a bizarre human, who I wish to study and/or give a tight hug.
Most likely to: Shave your head while you sleep and replace your hair with a red wig.
AKA Burrito Barbie
I’m of the opinion that anyone who talks non-stop about their love of tacos or burritos probably doesn’t have a personality. This introduction from Steph didn’t convince me otherwise. Steph is also from Geelong, which is not the best start and she talks a lot! People who talk that much frighten me! But hey, I’ve been in lockdown for approx seven years and I get scared when my UberEats driver says “hello!” through the door.
WTF DO YOU WANT, MYSTERIOUS STRANGER WHO SOMEHOW KNOWS MY ADDRESS!
Steph talked mostly about how she likes her burritos (with extra jalapeños?! she’s OUT of control!) which terrified Locky, who thinks capsicums are spicy enough. Lol. Pretty impressed producers found the whitest man in Australia. But also, not impressed at all.
Most likely to: Tell anyone who will listen that she knows a little-known Mexican joint to get the best burritos before whispering the words: “Guzman y Gomez! Shhhhhhh!”
AKA Bossy Boots
Areeba is a boss! We know this because she tells us approx 458 times this episode. She’s a boss at work, a boss in her relationships, a boss everywhere! She says that she “doesn’t let anyone get in her way” and won’t play a game unless she knows she will win, which is petty and painfully relatable.
After their brief and bizarre meeting, Areeba tells Locky, “I’m fun, I’m bossy and I’m everything you dream of.” I like her confidence but my dreams usually entail my whole family being transformed into dancing marionette dolls, so NO THANKS. At the cocktail party, Areeba gets on the bad side of Zoe-Clare after she gatecrashes her time with Locky and smiles silently at the red head until she leaves begrudgingly. She doesn’t like Zoe-Clare! Zoe-Clare doesn’t like Areeba! And I don’t like puppets with my own father’s eyes!!!
Most likely to: Wake up with a bald head and wearing a red wig.
AKA Bachy’s Karen
Laura is A LOT. She calls herself a snob and prefers the fancier things in life which translates to cash money, folks. Laura LOVES those dollar bills, y’all. She immediately asks Locky how much he will spend on her b’day present. Locky is left confused, thinking that he does not know this strange woman and did not plan on getting her a present. Does he have to get all the women birthday presents for the rest of their lives? Is that part of their contractual agreement? Being The Bachelor is EXPENSIVE.
Locky tells Laura that he works in Bali and she recoils, replying that Bali is “dangerous” and then describing the beautiful Indonesian island as “so gross!” She hates Bali! She hates Lebanese drumming! She hates penguin costumes! Laura is a real treat.
Most likely to: Ask to speak to the manager.
AKA Naughty Nurse
I liked Irena at first as she looks likes my cousin but then as she continued to obsessively check Locky’s pulse over and again throughout the night, I became suspicious. What is she checking for?? Does she think that Locky’s heart isn’t beating? Does she suspect that he’s some kind of heartless cyborg?! Either Irena has some weird resurrection fetish or she’s convinced Osher has sent an actual undead robot to be this year’s Bachy. “He’d still be more full of life than the Honey Badger, ammirite??” I just chuckled at my cat. She gets me. Anyways, Irena is very suss to me!
Most likely to: Rummage through Locky’s medical records.
AKA Eyebrow Swearer
I know two things about Charley: she watches Australian Survivor (unlike seemingly every other person on this show) and she loves her own eyebrows more than anything on this earth. Upon telling the ladies that this year’s Bachy was “Locky from Survivor!!!”, she made a rather curious statement: “I swear on my eyebrows,” she proudly declared. Ummm. OK.
Questions: Does she mean she swears on the existence of her eyebrows? Like, she swears it’s real just as her eyebrows are real? Why wouldn’t her eyebrows be real? Or does she mean she has particularly trustworthy eyebrows? Are her eyebrow hairs made of some old wise man’s beard? I’m going down a rabbit hole here.
Most likely to: Fix your eyebrows on a night out without actually knowing who you are or meeting you first.
AKA Penguin Party Pants
We love an entrance when people COMMIT to their character and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen commitment like Rosemary. Not only does Rosemary dress like a penguin and talk about her love for penguins, she actually says at one point, “I’m not just a penguin, I’m a person too.” Hmmm. I’m concerned. But Rosemary, you are not a penguin. YOU ARE NOT A PENGUIN. Does she think this costume is cursed with some kind of Animorphs spell? Will she be a penguin until the clock strikes 12 o’clock?
When Locky picks her for a chat, she is shook (a penguin? talking to a human man?) and she admits she was about to poo her penguin pants. In short, I would die for Rosemary.
Most likely to: Be found waddling along beach looking for dead fish attached to abandoned fishing lines.
AKA No One Put Bachy In The Corner
Nicole is wonderful. She can dance, she laughs at virtually everything anyone says and she looks like an exotic parrot mated with a disco ball and then vomited. She actually got Locky to do a little dance and they later tried to recreate the lift from Dirty Dancing. They didn’t nail it, but Nicole acted like they did because men are fragile beings in need of constant reassurance.
She finishes all her sentences with an exacerbated laugh, like she just accidentally implicated herself in a murder. It’s mysterious! I like it and I like Nicole! Her and Locky seem to have fun together and I want to see more.
Most likely to: Place runner-up and break all our hearts in a million jagged pieces.
AKA She Seems Nice
I feel bad for Bel, whose real name is Bella but was obviously told that her name was Bel because the next contestant (and likely winner) is named Bella. Lol. Sorry
Most likely to: Change her name on social media to Bella the very second the finale comes to an end.
AKA Wifey McPerfect
Bella is ticking all the boxes for the winner’s edit. She got fairytale entrance music, she arrived dressed as a full-blown Disney princess, she came across as slightly awkward but adorable, and most importantly, she swept Locky off his big, hunky feet.
As Bella walked away, Locky said “she was beauuuuutiful”, like how my dad compliments a particularly good sausage roll. Bella is a particularly good sausage roll.
Most likely to: Win this whole show. Bella has got this, and tbh her entry and immediate chemistry with Locky reminded me of Matty J and Laura. They are soul mates. I’m already crying over their newborn baby! I hope they have a summer wedding!
AKA Blonde Girl No. 12
Nice! Cool! Lovely! Smart! I’m sure she’s all of these qualities but we will never know.
Most likely to: Be a 26-year-old who lives in WA and is named Clare.
The only thing I remember about Gemma is that she walked in wearing a sash that read ‘AUSTRALIA’ without explanation, which I can only assume was to remind herself where she was in case she wanders off from set and has to retrace her way home.
Most likely to: Wear thongs with socks.
AKA This Nice Lady
The only time we saw Georgie was when she told Locky on arrival that she had “so many butterflies” in her stomach. I hope she consulted a GP.
Most likely to: Be a contestant on this show.
AKA Asthma Chili Chick
Izzy wants a guy so funny that she gets an asthma attack! So funny that she goes into respiratory failure! So funny that she loses all consciousness as her lungs collapse! That is funny! As Izzy meets Locky she laughs loudly in his face, which is confusing as he did not make a single joke or humorous remark. Not even an amusing limerick! Not a single dad pun! But hey, she loves to laugh! And she loves asthma! Izzy tells Locky, “I’m a spicy gal and I’m looking for my spicy guy” before instructing him to eat four whole chillis. Izzy is pure chaos!
Most likely to: Talk about the fact she has asthma at every given opportunity. “What flavour smoothie did you want?” the cafe worker asks. “Asthma!” she shouts, as he backs away slowly.
AKA This Lady Right Here
I don’t know who this person is. I’ve never seen her face in my entire life.
Most likely to: Breathe oxygen through her lungs and exhale carbon dioxide.
AKA Lady Wearing Yellow
Nice dress. Very yellow.
Most likely to: Walk on her feet and pick up things with her hands.
AKA My Personal Hero
The only thing I remember about Marlaina is that she walked into the Bachy mansion with a dog. She is already the best person to ever feature on this show, nay, any show for that matter.
Most likely to: Succeed in life.
AKA Eliminated Girl No. 1
AKA Eliminated Girl No. 2
A FORGOTTEN MEMORY IN TIME.
AKA Sassy McAngry
The name on everybody’s lips is going to be…who? I don’t have any concrete memories of this woman, apparently her name is Roxi and I do recall her being angry at the events unfolding tonight, especially penguin costume-wearing Rosemary getting picked for a chat with Locky first. Then on tomorrow night’s preview, Roxi appears to cry over an intruder’s mere existence, which is deeply confusing.
Most likely to: Start a fight for camera time.
AKA Too Good For This Shitshow
Leilani was a Miss Universe finalist and she was barely shown saying two words on tonight’s show. She is simply too good for Locky, this show and our country more generally. RUN, LEILANI. RUN.
Most likely to: Ghost the whole show.
AKA Bad Teacher
Maddy brings a blackboard in with her to prove she must be teacher as only teachers can own blackboards. That’s hard facts that I can’t substantiate as I am not a teacher. But don’t expect her to be a people person. She warns at one point during the episode that “polite girls finish last but I’m not polite and I won’t finish last,” she says…for some reason.
Maddy is the rudest, crudest teacher this show has ever seen. When she’s given an apple in class, she chews it up and spits the remnants at her class! She draws dicks on the whiteboard! She fills textbooks with lube! Maddy is out of control!
Most likely to: Wear a sexy teacher outfit and teach Bachy an important (and sexy) lesson.
AKA Osher Superfan
All we learnt about Kristina this episode was that she does some kind of martial arts. We know this because we see her climbing on Locky’s back like some kind of vengeful ninja. But more importantly, Kristina is Osher’s biggest fan, as she freaked out when she first saw Osher and said it was like “watching a TV but not a TV.” Yeah! You’re not wrong, Kristina! You’re perfect for this show.
Most likely to: Creep into Osher’s room at night and sniff his undergarments.