‘The Bachelor’ Episode 2: Everyone’s Really Horny Already & I Need Jesus
Welcome back!
The Honey Badger’s All Aussie Adventures returned to our screens after last night’s premiere, and we continued the search for Australia’s biggest mullet to find true love.
We kicked things off with Buff Osher gracing the Bach mansion much to the delight of the horny, trapped women inside.
Osher helpfully told the women that the only way they could possibly fall in love with the Badge is by spending more time with him. A revolutionary idea.
Steph was wildly excited to see Osher but still seems confused about the fact that he isn’t actually The Bachelor.
Truly barking up the wrong tree for a date card there, Steph.
A producer forgot to charge one of the robot’s they had dressed up as human girls.
Who are these people?!?!
Meanwhile, Cass was in a meditative state. If she could dream it, she could do it, and she was trying to dream the Badge into a physical form in front of her.
Spoiler: It didn’t work.
The Badge chose Shannon for the first single date. He gave her two options: chuck a footy around or go for option B, the surprise option. A producer told her to pick option B, because CBS put in a lot of money to get a helicopter.
Of course, Shannon is terrified of heights.
The two had to perform some weird kind of sex move to land back on solid ground.
IDK what it’s called, I’m a virgin.
The Badge cooked some salmon and he really had a moment with it. A bigger moment than what he’s had with a woman so far.
As it turns out Shannon fucken hates salmon even though she had just screamed in his face, “SALMON??? YUM!”
Shannon is a slave to her own lies and tries to swallow instead of spitting.
The salmon, that is. Get your mind out of the gutter, you perverts.
Shannon finally told the Badge she hates salmon and in return, he shared the fact he HATES coffee because he tried to make it once when he was 15 and didn’t realise you didn’t make it the way you make Milo. The story was unnecessarily long-winded but Shannon screamed and squeezed his bicep with joy.
Shannon didn’t want to break her “no kiss” rule on the first date, so instead the two gloated about each other to the camera. “Shannon’s mission on this earth is to uplift people,” the Badge told us in an awed tone, as though Shannon is Jesus herself and can turn water into wine.
Personally, I’d find that super uplifting. Shannon, call me.
Fast-forwarding to the group date, Vanessa Sunshine was annoyed these two plebs crashed her photo shoot.
Ummm, does no one have any damn RESPECT these days??
The group date was all about Nick’s “passions”. Apparently that includes an ’80s-themed band photo, the above fireman shoot where he and Brooke made sex eyes at each other, a photo where the crew dressed up in school uniforms to express Nick’s passion for… EDUCATION OF COURSE, and a… sorry give me a second, I can’t take any of this seriously.
The solo photo opportunity went to Sophie who was terrified to even be close to the Badge after this moment.
MOVING RIGHT ALONG.
Honey Badger arrived to the mansion to surprise the girls, but to also surprise all of Australia by taking Romy on a date. It turned out it’s just an extended ad for his uncle’s pizza restaurant in Manly.
The Badge had a good time. He’s fine. He’s not regretting decisions, thinking about repercussions, wishing he ordered Domino’s… he’s FINE.
After the two threw flour and pizza sauce at each other and pretended it was “sexy” and “flirtatious”, they stole a moment alone, without Badge’s uncle present.
Look, I don’t know how else to say this. Romy decided to shove her tongue in Honey Badger’s ear.
Personally, I’d rather just tongue the pizza, but each to their own.
Nick took a break and talked to his therapist producer about it.
He’s had a Margherita but our boi needs a MARGARITA, AMIRITE? AM I RIGHT?
I haven’t slept for so long.
Thirstier than Edward Cullen himself, Romy pounced on the Badge at the cocktail party to get another sweet, sweet hit.
Or maybe she’s confused? Maybe she thinks this is how they communicate with producers?
Anyway, BRB, just need to Google something.
The other ladies looked on with interest, ready to pick up some tips on how to tame the Badger. Osher thanked his lucky stars that he’s a married man now.
At the rose ceremony, no one was more surprised than Cayla when she was picked to fight another day.
I guess she was trying to put a different kind of energy out into the world. Like a, “Please help me escape this batshit insane mansion?!” energy.
We said goodbye to Renee and the girl who doesn’t wear shoes.
