‘The Bachelor’ Episode 11: Wake Me Up Inside (Can’t Wake Up)
Dear God, the week goes too fast sometimes. One minute it’s Friday afternoon and you’re relishing in the freedom of two days off work… as well as a break from my dull monotone explaining The Bachelor to you in dreadful detail.
Next minute it’s Wednesday again and you’re watching someone’s questionable attempt to find love but for once it’s not your own life story. Anyway, enough about me, as my boss says, “please stop using this as a creative outlet to voice jokes about being single and tired. You can do that on your Twitter.”
Let’s get to it.
Osher cartwheeled in with a date card and screamed to the girls that “relationships are getting stronger”.
Sounds absolutely fake, sweaty, but OK. Let’s play a game where you point me to a strong connection that will last. Oh wow, I won.
“Just like you, Nick is looking to find love,” Osher lied through his teeth.
Finally. FINALLY. The Virgin Mary herself descended onto Cass and gave her the single date card.
Hark now hear the angels sing! No wait, that was just Cass screaming from excitement until she passed out.
Cass had a break from her excitement to subtly let us know Blistex is the most kissable thing to put on your lips before a date with a giant, bogan Tarzan.
Nick picked Cass up on a school bus and they both talked about how the date had been a long time coming, and– do you ever physically feel your eyes falling out of your head? Someone slap me.
“Sometimes this environment gets stressy,” Nick explained to us as though it isn’t his literal dream to have numerous beautiful women falling over themselves to be with him.
“Cass always makes me feel calm… and she laughs at my jokes,” he finished.
Good God, the male ego is so fragile.
Meanwhile, Cass was talking about how good Nick’s body is. This must be the deep connection Osher was talking about.
Back at the mansion, Dasha and Brooke did a work out while Jamie-Lee watched. I ate half a packet of Tim Tams.
“Want a Tim Tam?” I asked Jamie-Lee. “God, please, anything to distract me from this hellhole,” she replied.
On the date, Cass and Nick were being suspended 75-metres in the air because… it’s romantic I guess.
As they were being suspended in the air, Nick pulled the classic gag of pretending his cord didn’t work in order for them to drop down. As it turned out, Cass’s cord was the only one that had that power the whole time.
Haha, men are so funny!
Finally, they dropped from the sky and Cass’ hair extensions left her body.
The two then had the waterpark to themselves, where some producer fed poor Cass this line: “I can’t wait to get wet with Nick and go down the slide.” Somewhere, right now, that producer is still gleefully rubbing their hands and laughing at themselves.
The two rode the waterslide in a very strange way. “Mum, what are they doing? Is this a sin?” I asked. She didn’t reply, because she lives five hours away. 
“How did I end up ‘eerre?” Nick asked, which is a phrase I utter most Sunday mornings when I wake up on my own lounge with a fake eyelash glued to my face but then remembered I didn’t even go out and party, I just fell asleep watching a YouTube tutorial.
The two were submerged in water for their feelings talk. As in, their sex lounge was in the water for some reason.
Which makes sense because I also normally try and jump into any body of water once someone starts talking about their feelings.
Cass talked again at length about how much she likes the Badge, and Nick, his ego sufficiently stroked, gave her a rose.
They FINALLY kissed! It wasn’t as horny as his kisses with Sophie or Brittany, but it happened.
The group date involved an obstacle course which is apparently meant to be a metaphor for a relationship.
I guess if they mean “annoying, exhausting and pointless” then they’ve nailed that one.
The ladies and Badge had to lug around a heavy backpack on the course. This was meant to symbolise their emotional baggage or some shit.
Normally I’d just say go to therapy, but I guess that doesn’t make a show interesting.
Every part of the obstacle was meant to represent some part of a relationship. You know like, jump into a river and nearly drown to show you’re not afraid of commitment, dive into some mud to improve your communication, normal everyday things.
Jamie-Lee, who is still a prisoner to her moonboot, had to miss out on the challenge. She talked to the campfire about her emotional baggage.
Weirdly, it didn’t offer much advice.
At the final part of the course, Nick was the last one to attempt to make it over some muddy barrier. The obstacle course leader hid behind the trees and judged him for not asking for help.
A man shouldn’t have to ask for help from a WOMAN in this day and age!
Then again his card attached to his ‘baggage’ did tell us his deepest fears.
For some reason, Dasha won the alone time with Nick. Her baggage was literally about being “too much of a perfectionist”.
Lol in the ad breaks I was listing my relationship baggage and next minute I had written a novel titled “Why It’s Actually Better To Be Alone & Why (If You Can’t Do That) You Should Never Move In With A Partner”. Find it at your nearest Reject Shop.
Nick and Dasha had a bad, awkward conversation filled with… a lot of silence.
After their scintillating conversation about whether a connection was still there (plot twist: it ain’t) Nick pulled a lot of faces to communicate to the producers that he was done and would like to go home now.
In the biggest travesty of this season, we skipped the cocktail party completely and went straight to the rose ceremony.
To absolutely no one’s surprise, Jamie-Lee got the (moon)boot.
No, I haven’t been waiting for two weeks to write that!
Tomorrow night: How many Fireball shots can one girl (me) do in an hour-long episode?
