10 Things That Happened On Tonight’s Bachy All Stars Episode
If you’ve been watching The Bachelor and felt your faith in love slip over the past few years, don’t worry, the Bachy Gods heard you and they delivered. Tonight we caught up with two of our most successful couples from seasons past and it was enough to make even the most cold-hearted feel something.
Yes, I am talking about myself.
On tonight’s episode, two old Bachelors joined us with their chosen ones to show us all what a happy relationship is meant to look like. Sam and Snezana Wood and Matty J and Laura Byrne turned up to give Matt some much-needed advice and some perspective on what life can look like outside of the Bachy bubble.
And that life looks like… pregnancy.
In all seriousness, it was very sweet to see two couples who have made it work successfully and still be so in love. It may have even made me feel one slight emotion. Anyway that’s about as earnest as this recap will ever get, so let’s move on.
Here’s everything that went down on episode 11 of The Bachelor:
1. The drama llamas are back, baby!
And no, that’s not what I call my boobs.
2. A surprise box was dropped off to the girls and inside they discovered decorations for a baby shower.
“No honey, you weren’t an accident, just a happy surprise!”
It’s interesting to note when these girls get surprise decorations for a baby, they just start setting them up, no questions asked. I’d be crying while taking a pregnancy test, even though there’s no chance in hel-
Whatever.
3. As it turned out, old Bachy alum Laura Byrne and Snezana Wood (Markoski) were here to suss things out.
Both cradling their baby bumps, they were sent by Matt to suss out the ladies in the house and invite one back for dinner. Special Bachy Unit has just turned into Special Baby Unit and these two, calm, collected mums are on the case.
Snez and Laura had one-on-one chats with each lady. Snez identified a lot with Chelsie, telling her she was also one of the quieter people in the house but encouraging her to open up to Matt.
Meanwhile Laura was bloody spot-on with her analysis of every lady she met — she picked Sogand as getting too caught up in the drama, Emma as a little too keen to fall in love and Abbie as saying things she thought they’d want to hear.
Next time I date (lmao) I am getting Laura in to screen all future partners.
Laura, pls call me.
4. Back at the Bachy pad, Sam and Matty J tried to see where Matt’s head was at.
They stood in a manly circle and handballed a manly footy to each other (handballed? Idk guys, sport is not my speciality) while giving manly advice. Of course, the ladies have to sip tea and talk about feelings, but men can’t do it unless there’s some masculine stereotype involved so people don’t question their manliness.
The men then moved to the kitchen where Matt spent the whole time trying to peel an onion. 
Now I think our boi Matt was in need of some honest advice from the dads who have come before him, and Sam and Matty J are easily the best Bachelors who have graced our screens – not just because they made it work out, but because they didn’t think solely with their dicks the whole time.
“Just pick someone!” Matty left it with. He’s clearly been hanging out with my Nonna for far too long.
5. Snez and Laura ended up bringing Helena to dinner and, well…
… Helena and Matt ended up looking like they had just sat down with their kids to announce their impending divorce.
“It’s not that we don’t love you… we just don’t love each other,” they told their Bachy alum children.
What really happened was they got grilled about their relationship and what they’re both after, mainly by Matty J – that boy is ready to step into Osher’s shiny shoes as soon as he hangs up the hosting boots.
Matty J is in charge of Law & Order: SBU now, and we’re just living in his world. He’s the Stabler of the investigation. He isn’t buying any bullshit you spin. We simply have to stan.
After Helena was forced to talk about her feelings in front of a room of virtual strangers, we said farewell to our beautiful Bachy alums. True love is fleeting after all.
6. Intermission: Magnum
Advertising works. I’ve never had an almond Magnum personally, and now I keep wondering if I’ll like it.
I’ve tried to give up processed sugar recently because I’ve caved to society’s expectations of a “summer body” while telling myself “no I haven’t! I am just focused on staying healthy!” while another part of brain whispers “the wellness industry is a fad and you’ve fallen hook, line and sinker mixing your Collagen protein powder into your morning kale smoothie like a dumb bitch.”
Anyway. Magnum: if you’re reading this I made you a meme.
My DMs are open.
#7. Emma got a solo date with Matt and they talked a lot about aphrodisiacs.
Haha, no that’s not Matt’s job title!
Matt took Emma to go make some chocolate, because he’s obsessed with taking Emma on dates where she has to put things into her mouth. They designed their own chocolate packed to the brim with aphrodisiacs like… chilli? I guess? To bring the heat?
As they measure the temperature of the chocolate they then started using the temperature gun to shoot each other de- ahem – to measure each other’s heat.
Is it getting hot in here…?
…no. Nelly is not feeling this. No one is taking off all their clothes.
Ahhh, there we go.
OK, you can stop now.
After they pashed on, they went outside to enjoy their chocolates and Emma laid everything out there for Matt. She basically told him she’s ready to move to Melbourne when he says the word, talked about her longing for marriage and kids again, and listed off approximately how many kids she wants while Matt disassociated.
After settling on both realising they wanted their own “clans” or “flocks” (their words, not mine), they got to work trying to make their own baby.
I’m sorry about that GIF but if I had to go through the pain of making it, you had to witness it.
8. At the cocktail party, Osher swung in on a vine to drop off two date cards. The catch? The girls had to decide who could present a card to Matt for special solo time.
Special solo time is what I usually call sitting in the dark eating a tub of Magnum ice cream.
Sogand was quick to nab a card, and then the battle was on between Abbie and Elly. For some unknown reason Kristen and Chelsie gave zero fucks, while both Emma and Helena had been given roses on their solo dates.
Abbie then came for Elly, telling her that she actually deserved the date card because she’s yet to get a second single date and she’s not sure “if she will”.
A tearful Elly tried to explain her own position, but Abbie was not backing down. Eventually Elly realised it was a fight she was never going to win without stooping to Abbie’s level, and handed over the date card.
9. After Matt and Sogand had a somewhat awkward chat about how their feelings were put on pause, Abbie went in for her solo time.
Abbie didn’t really give too much of a fuck tonight getting too deep with Matt, despite being so worried earlier about their connection. She was quick to admire the cheeseboard, especially the raspberries that were on display.
After she had Matt eating out of the palm of her hand, Abbie returned to the girls. “I’m really happy about how our chat went and our feelings for each other,” she told her not thrilled audience. She then went on about the raspberries again (is she OK? Is she Vitamin C deficient?).
“I got a raspberry and that’s all that really matters, do you know what I mean?” Abbie said.
Elly’s face said it all.
“I think if Matt saw the side of Abbie we’ve all seen, it’d be a real eye-opener,” Elly said in her on-camera piece. OK, so I know editing is a thing, but if Elly is not on board then I stand with our sweet, baby angel.
JUSTICE FOR ELLY!
#10. At the rose ceremony, we said goodbye to Sogand. She fought valiantly, but not hard enough.
Matt walked Sogand out, but Sogand opted to leave without a dramatic Abbie-themed mic drop.
“This is all a sick game to her,” she said in her limo exit interview, before stating she is confident the truth will come out.
Join us tomorrow night for another episode of Law & Order: Special Bachy Unit – will the truth prevail?
