9 Things That Happened On Tonight’s “Plan B” Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’

It’s here. My mid-season The Bachelor slump has hit.

I have no jokes left. I haven’t slept for weeks. I’m in a rut. I am bored out of my brain watching people trying to “forge” connections when I can’t even get a text back. Maybe I need to send one to get one back, but that’s not the point.

I am thinking of becoming a Pilates teacher. Except I never follow the breathing techniques they try to force upon me each class. Tbh, most of the time when I exercise, I forget to breathe until I go red in the face and the teacher yells out “remember to breathe!”

It’s quite like watching an episode of The Bachelor except instead I am yelling to myself “Remember to breathe!” while inhaling as many Kinder Buenos I can shove into my mouth at once.

Here’s what happened on episode 9 of The Bachelor:

1. Osher came in with a single date card and dropped some important dating advice: “For any relationship to grow you need to get out of your comfort zone,” he yelled at the women. “Now get down and give me twenty push-ups!”

Isn’t just BEING in a relationship getting out of your comfort zone anyway? Anyone? Just me? OK!

Osher introduced that the upcoming week was “danger” themed which is what most women call “walking home at night”.

Anyway, Elly got the single date card! Nichole was happy for her!

We also saw Rachael start going on about how she was “wasting her time” being in the mansion as some handy foreshadowing as to how the episode would unfold. But more on that later…

2. Upon greeting Elly on their single date, Matt did the worst reveal The Masked Singer has ever seen.

We’re now at the point of the season where we reminisce for a little too long about the apparent connection Matt has with his chosen single date lady. A) obviously it’s to fill in time and B) it’s to remind us this show is supposedly about finding love.

Matt and Elly were greeted by a fire dancer, who-

No wait, there we go.

MFW I do three fireball shots in a row.

The fire dancers basically told Elly and Matt they can burn their faces off if things go wrong during their routine, but all is worth it if it ignites their passion and sets their hearts alight.

Luckily their routine went off without a hitch, amplified by some strong Disney-themed music reaching a dramatic crescendo that would make any princess running away from her wicked stepmother proud.

After their extremely slow-mo fire routine, Matt surprised Elly with some marshmallows as a throwback to the first time they met. It’s a much nicer meeting story than getting extremely drunk at Star Bar and then-… never mind, I’ll save that story for another time.

Elly and Matt talked about their feelings and our beautiful, sweet gal Elly admitted she was falling, and falling fast. Alicia Keys is shaking!

For his part, Matt admitted to getting “heart flutters” and “goosebumps” when being around Elly, a feeling I’ve only experienced when the Domino’s tracker says my pizza is in the oven.

#3. Back at the mansion, Rachael was plotting her “plan B” and Mary was plotting against Rachael.

In a very not staged, extremely natural scene, Rachael let Abbie know heaps of guys want to root her and talked about her plan B crew member she has a crush on. Mary and Nikki just HAPPENED to be sitting nearby, as they talked about Rachael and her plan B.

I’d like to specify at this stage Rachael is indeed calling a crew member “plan B” and not referring to the morning after pill.

Mary, who has given us the season’s best commentary as well the season’s best death stares, quietly schemed with Nikki about telling Matt about Rachael’s secret at the next cocktail party.

So scandalous. You have your whole seat, but you only need the edge*.

*And yes, I DO make that joke every season, thanks for noticing.

4. On the group date, the ladies were forced to line up against some suitcases which were the visual representation of their baggage from past relationships.

Lmao if I was on this show, there’d be more than one small suitcase — there’d be some actual piles of literal garbage.

Sogand got to work on hers…

…and I got to work on mine.

Just kidding! There was actually some really heartfelt messages written on the bags.

Ahh when will the jokes stop! No seriously, make me stop.

Matt’s label was actually “fear of heartbreak” and the girls also touched on issues of trust. Kristen opened up about her fears to do with her own self-worth and got quite teary. Queen of China! Please don’t cry, we love you.

After they shared their baggage they did the only thing that’s left to do in these emotionally trying times: they jumped out of a plane.

So weird that apparently all it takes is jumping out of a plane to release all your emotional baggage. I probably would’ve saved thousands of dollars on therapy had I known this sooner.

“Can’t come in tomorrow,” I texted my boss. “Must jump out of plane to release the emotional baggage that has been this season of The Bachelor so far.” “OK,” he replied. “Here’s a $20,000 pay rise!”

OK, enough of my made-up conversations and let’s get back on track.

Kristen was shit-scared of jumping out of the plane, which MAKES PERFECT SENSE. But even though she was screaming and desperately trying to keep her body in the plane, she eventually faced her fears and jumped out (or was forced, hard to tell) and it earned her a rose.

MFW my Pilates teacher screams “now plank then pike! plank then pike!”

5. At the cocktail party, Abbie described her look as “Catholic chic” which is why… this happened.

Sorry, sorry, I am kneeling down and praying with my rosary beads as we speak.

6. But enough about that. Mary decided it was time to drop the Rachael/plan B bombshell on Matt.

“Who’s Rachael?” Matt, probably.

“She’s really interested,” Mary told Matt. “She’s asked for his surname.”

Well someone sign the wedding papers, sounds like a sure thing.

7. A producer pulled Matt aside to confirm the rumours that Rachael had slipped another crew member her phone number.

Matt then decided to confront Rachael about it, who had CONVENIENTLY been giving another producer an on-camera spiel about her plan B. Coinky-dink!

“Oh fuck,” Rachael said as Matt approached. “I heard plan B?” Matt asked. “Yeah, just doing it as a joke,” Rachael answered.

We then got some super weird editing where it looked like Rachael might be able to fess up but instead it cut to her saying “like” a lot then ended with “just a joke.”

Matt then broke the fourth wall (let’s be real, that wall is completely knocked down now anyway) and ordered a car for Rachael. “You are the weakest link, goodbye!” Matt said as a farewell.

Rachael left with a glowing message for the other ladies. “You f**cking dogs,” she whispered.

However she did leave us with another sentiment in her limo exit interview. “I’ve never had any troubles getting guys in the outside world so I think I’ll be just fine,” she said. Rachael, teach me your ways.

8. Osher dropped the news of Rachael leaving the remaining ladies, and they were devastated!

9. And Nikki was left roseless at the ceremony and handed a bottle of peroxide on her way out.

“Better luck next time,” Matt cheerfully waved.

Tomorrow night:

I assume the remaining brunettes will be shipped off and made to fight it out for an Idol, Survivor-style.