7 Things That Happened On Tonight’s Kinda Boring Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’
Welcome back to another hour-long special of watching Matt Agnew suck face.
Tonight saw two more ladies eliminated from the mansion but I mainly feel betrayed because we haven’t spotted a llama ALL WEEK. Is this really what we signed up for? The Bachy Lord giveth and the Bachy Lord really taketh away.
Let’s get down to business: Here’s what happened on episode 10 of The Bachelor!
We started off with Osher thoughtfully dropping off a group date card for five lucky ladies: Helena, Mary, Abbie, Elly and Emma.
Abbie is sick of everyone saying Elly has basically already won, so she was hoping the group date was something that would make it easy to get up “close and personal” with Matt and his tongue or whatever.
1. The group date was all about watching really flexible people practice bedroom positions you’d only ever be able to dream of.
OK, so they went to an acrobatics place to learn how to be gymnasts I guess. But where’s the foam pit! Where’s the big rainbow tent from my childhood years? God, I yearn to be young again.
We must point out this guy and his absolutely ridiculous moustache. It looks like it could poke actual eyeballs out.
As Elly and Abbie both successfully managed to capture and keep Matt’s attention, Emma and Mary weren’t exactly thrilled by the whole “looks like they’re doing the sex with gym gear on” vibe that was happening.
“Do I have to do this? There’s got to be an easier way to find love!” Mary said. Girl. Seriously. If you want a way let me know, because let me tell you the outside world is just creepy DM slides and rolling your eyes so hard they get permanently stuck in your head.
2. Abbie got picked for sexy solo time with Matt.
Abbie was picked because Matt felt that he and Abbie “communicated” “very well” during the different challenges. If you research what that means in the Menquarie Dictionary it actually stands for: “She’s fucking hot and I’m desperate to bang her.”
Abbie and Matt performed their synchronised silk routine for literally no one. “There’s a lot of touching…. hip movements, thrusting,” Abbie said of the encounter, which is also how I describe my usual Pilates class except the only thing I’m touching is the reformer machine.
The two shared a very steamy pash, so steamy that even I was wiping my fogged up glasses down and I don’t even wear glasses when I watch this show! “If I’m being honest, I’m so sexually frustrated right now,” Abbie said.
Abbie then decided to go deeper with Matt as they sat on a suspended couch that looks kind of space-like I guess, lest we forget that Matt is an ASTROPHYCIST.
“I never thought I’d feel this way, but I do, I see a future with you and I do see myself falling in love with you and having a life with you beyond this,” Abbie told Matt. All of a sudden… I kind of… ship this?
IDK guys, don’t @ me about this.
3. Back at the mansion, a new day dawned and Abbie told the girls about her intense feelings for Matt.
They were all really stoked that she’s feeling those big loooove vibes.
They are SO happy for her.
She basked in the warmth of their love and affection.
Luckily Abbie doesn’t have a pot plant or love fern with Matt, because someone would sure as hell piss in it if she did.
4. Matt chose Chelsie for the single date and threw her off a building.
That’s one way to avoid another rose ceremony.
What they were really trying to do was repel off the side of a huge Mercure building because… well. Jumping off a building is like entering a new relationship, I guess? As in, you do it and regret it.
Here’s another GIF of them struggling anyway just for your enjoyment:
They later spent some classic alone time together: just them, a bottle of champagne and about 5-7 crew members, but probably not the hot one.
Chelsie has a moment where she opens up to Matt about an absolute PoS sounding ex-boyfriend who treated her badly. Matt is mystified and looks like he’s just learned about the concept of gaslighting for the first time.
Chelsie said she was cheated on but always made to feel like things were her fault. “So he flipped situations back onto you?!” Matt said about my-… sorry Chelsie’s ex-boyfriend. The two then shared a big old smooch and Chelsie was gifted a rose.
Hey, Chelsie and Abbie both have roses? It’s almost like we could just cut the show here…
5. Sogand was done with Abbie being known as the sexy one, so decided to perform a belly dancing routine for Matt.
As it turned out Sogand didn’t really know how to belly dance… at all.
Tag yourself, Sogand is me after smashing a bottle of wine and self-consciously hitting the dance floor at The Sheaf only to find out I’m surrounded by drunk AFL players spilling vodka sodas on my head.
The other girls watched on with second-hand embarrassment…
…while Matt fantasised about what he’d like to do to Abbie, probably.
6. Elly decided to steal Matt away to give him a special gift, this time not revolving around fire or marshmallows.
What was REALLY in the box was a flanno Elly bought Matt, presumably so when he visits her hometown he fits in. He took his shirt off, generously let everyone admire his rig for some time and then boom!
The transformation was complete.
7. At the cocktail party Matt realised he should probably send a blonde home with a brunette, just in case people were starting to pick up on his bias.
So we said a sad goodbye to Mary, queen of commentary, and Nichole, queen of… sk8r chick.
Next week: It’s Bachy All Stars, baby! Time to say hello to some famous faces!
JUST KIDDING. Well, not about the All Stars.
Thank God almighty and Osher himself, because my two fave couples return to our screens next week to help Matt on his journey to find his one true smash… I mean, love.
It’ll be a fond reminder of what the show used to be… a successful match-making series.
XOXO, ttyl, mum needs the computer.