11 Things That Happened On Yet Another Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’
We’re back again for another week of twists and turns on The Bachelor, and tonight’s episode saw three girls dropped like hot potatoes, leaving only five remaining in the quest to capture Locky’s big, hairy heart.
If you thought I was going somewhere else with that you should be ashamed of yourself. Go to church!
Tonight’s episode saw a group date, solo time with the winner from the group date, and TWO single dates. So many dates! Can’t relate at all, that’s more dates than what I went on in 2019-2020 combined.
We also saw an exit before the rose ceremony, while two other ladies were left roseless. Locky’s going through the final two weeks faster than his sexting scandals are being leaked!
Let’s do our stretches and dive straight into episode 11 of The Bachelor:
1. First up was a group date with Georgia the intimacy coach.
But really, I am just here to say I LOVE Juliette’s dress.
2. Georgia the intimacy coach invited the girls to touch Locky on “the part of him they missed the most”.
Kaitlyn was up first and was thirstier than Edward Cullen was for his little spider monkey wench or whatever her name was. She attacked Locky’s neck with the enthusiasm the girls only usually reserve for their YouFoodz or Magnum sponcon.
Juliette decided to paint Locky’s back, because… maybe she missed seeing the back of him? She left a meaningful message.
Bella kissed Locky’s chest, Bec kissed his neck, Maddy forgot the point of the game and just gently stroked his hands, while Izzy also went in for a neck kiss. All these girls really missed his neck, huh. Why isn’t anyone touching his abs?
Irena went in and painted a heart over Locky’s heart, suspiciously close to where Bella left her little kissy mark on his heart. But also, can we just…
Can we just talk about what is growing between Locky and all the girls as every girl leaves her mark…
On THIS family-friendly show?!
Oh also, Steph went in for the full pash with Locky, because someone had to do it. Lol at Irena and Bella out here giving him gentle hugs, grow up! Shove your tongue down his throat!
3. After finding out Irena painted a heart on Locky, Bella is furious and confronted her about it.
The two then argue about the placement of the heart, with Bella stating Irena deliberately painted over her heart, while Irena, a nurse who studied anatomy, said Bella’s kiss wasn’t on Locky’s heart, in fact it was WAY OFF, so her heart wasn’t painted over Bella’s kiss.
As I zoned out from their clash, I decided to do my own detective work, because dun dun, Special Bachy Unit is back!
I zoomed in on Locky’s chest to spot Bella’s kiss, before then comparing it to where Irena drew her heart. While part of Irena’s heart does eclipse Bella’s kiss, she didn’t actually paint over it.
Basically, they’re both not telling the full truth.
I’ll be accepting a promotion to lead detective on this case, and I’ll also be accepting any wine sent my way to drown out the fact I had to stare intently at Locky’s white boy “strength and honour” tattoo until my eyes slowly leaked salty water.
4. Locky and Daddy Steph had some solo time together, and even after she gave him a hot n heavy pash on the group date, he friendzoned her.
There was no rose for Steph after their single time together, which is pretty much code for “start packing your bags, babe xx.” Anyway, because I have been watching this show for what feels like my WHOLE life, I think we can all agree this date was edited to make things more awkward than what they appeared.
In fact, I’d bet the dirty $2 coin in my wallet that somehow has chewing gum stuck to it that they actually did have a pash on this date, but it just wasn’t shown. Stay tuned, I’ll investigate this further.
5. Intermission: Juliette doesn’t understand how she hasn’t had a single date yet and dropped some truthbombs.
She is absolutely right. Texting is an ordeal. Who hasn’t opened a text and thought “ugh, I can’t be bothered replying so I’ll just send some strong messages in my head to that person in hopes they can pick up I’ve read their text and I appreciate them.” Does it work? NO. Does it make the concept of texting someone easier? YES.
OK fine, I’ll say it. Texting someone is the worst form of communication. Texting was fun in 2005, not 2020. Message me on Instagram or Facebook, or don’t message me at all, amirite ladies?
6. Locky picked Irena up for a camping date, sending Bella into a tizzy.
Look closer though. Open your eyes.
Makes you think, huh.
7. Irena and Locky went cycling before settling into their new Kombi/swag life.
They basically looked like an ad for retirement, you know the vibe when some retired member of your family upgrades to a huge fkin caravan then set off around Australia and get really confused by “closed borders” because “that doesn’t apply to us” because “we’re caravan people now” and “we only have time for adventures, not the news” and “covid can’t catch us in our van” and it’s like, please, for the love of god, we get it, you own a caravan.
The best part of this date was once the sun went down and the campfire started blazing, Irena told Locky the spookiest story of them all.
OK, everyone, don’t say I didn’t warn you because this was actually fucking terrifying.
By the dim light, in the secluded forest, after two dates, Irena told Locky she had fallen in love with him.
SLOW DOWN, IRENA. DO NOT PASS GO.
8. Locky and Izzy also went on a solo date and praise the higher powers because no bathtubs were involved this time.
Instead, the two had a ball of yarn and had to map out their timeline together… or something. Honestly, it didn’t really make a whole lot of sense, and have you ever heard Locky explain something?
It’s like every straight man trying to explain something.
They talked about Bali and travel like an advertisement for the world’s most basic Tinder profile, before going on to change some poor doll whose legs were nearly snapped off in the process of getting a nappy change.
Izzy and Locky then get into a bed together to find out who is the big spoon/little spoon, then eventually tangled tongues.
“You sound jealous, love!” my bony, wrinkly next door neighbour Doris yelled, swinging open my bedroom door where she found me moving my Oodie around in my bed to make it look like a person. “Are you wanting to map out your life timeline with someone?” she chortled, laughing so hard she fell to the floor and started having an asthma attack.
My only timeline is watching you slowly wheeze yourself into the afterlife, Doris.
9. We said a sad goodbye to Juliette, who decided the show wasn’t fun without Roxi around.
What really happened was Juliette finally got a chance to talk to Locky, questioning him on why she was still there if he wasn’t going to explore his connection with her. In her piece to camera, Juliette mentioned she could be talking to “TikTok stars and rappers” right now and if she’s too confronting for Locky then he should just get rid of her because she has DMS to go back to.
Which is exactly what he did in the end.
We’ll always remember the good times, Juliette.
An icon gone too soon.
10. Bella was still on her “Irena is a liar!” mode. Someone switch her off! Put her on the charger!
Alexa, play ‘The Boy Is Mine’ by Monica & Brandy ASAP.
Bella broke down in tears, and we learned her last two relationships have ended because of another girl coming in to manipulate things, hence her freaking out about Irena.
The other girls then comfort her and tell her to get out of head but Bella then decided to spill her guts to Locky, telling him the thing about Irena was the fact she doesn’t tell “massive lies” but it’s a web of lies that she has created and then she forgets she’s lied.
Let’s be real, that is far too complex for our boy Locky to keep up with. He started disassociating early on in the conversation with Bella, that much is clear.
And for once, I’m with him.
11. Locky was left unimpressed with Bella’s bid to throw Irena under the bus.
He spent the majority of the rose ceremony looking like me the day after one too many fireball shots.
Before giving out his final rose, Locky pulled Bella outside to chat about WTF had gone on earlier. “Tonight I saw a side of you I didn’t like very much,” he told her, which is brutally honest, so good on him. Bella then did her best to convince him that she can drop the Irena stuff and that she’s only focused on him.
Locky eventually gave Bella a rose, sending Maddy and Daddy Steph home.
Maddy now joins Alex from Angie’s season as someone who stuck around for a very long time, while getting alarmingly little screentime. I can’t wait for her to swim into paradise next year!
Tomorrow night: Bella and Irena are still on the rocks, and in other news the sky is blue, grass is green, etc.
See you then!