12 Things That Happened On Tonight’s ‘Battle Of The Blondes’ AKA ‘The Bachelor’

Ahh another weeknight, another The Bachelor adventure watching a buff, tall man attempt to find love on national TV because apparently attractive people also find it hard to find partners in the real world.

Don’t worry that wasn’t meant to sound comforting.

People may ridicule the premise of The Bachelor, but sometimes I think it really does give us some sort of hope that love may exist. The only hope I get is when I take something from Bumble to Instagram only to watch it fizzle out faster than you can say “wow, this was a HUGE mistake.”

We’re getting down to the nitty-gritty, so here’s what happened in tonight’s episode of The Bachelor.

1. Matt forced Helena to try and map out their lives from the present to 10 years’ time.

Who said romance is dead! Nothing I love more on a second date than looking well into the future and pretending I am still going to be with the same guy in a decade.

Luckily I don’t need to worry about that though because I never make it to a second date. Where will I be in 10 years? Thanks for asking, probably still recapping this mess of a show.

Anyway we all know what the real Bachelor timeline looks like.

If you piss in the love plant you don’t make it past year one, if you make it past year one and breakup you could be spotted in the dog park with Bill, and then there’s always BIP which is important to factor into your five-year plan.

2. Helena hated the date. HATED. IT.

This is what’s good about Helena. She’s no bullshit. She didn’t like trying to plan out her future with a guy she’s known for a few weeks and had one date with, and we simply have to stan.

She freaked out and told a producer she couldn’t do it because of her fear of heartbreak or not being “the one” at the end. Maybe the future thing got a bit too real for Helena as she realised life wasn’t all mansions, poolside chats about dog c**ts and drama llamas.

3. But thankfully Matt used his special Bachy powers to turn things back on for them.

OK, I know we’re all pretty scarred from the whole “bathtub” dates of Bachelors past, but this was pretty awesome.

The gentle light from moon Osher guided Matt and Helena to patch up their differences and Helena opened up to Matt telling him that she could see herself falling in love with him. And we all know once you stroke a precious Bachy’s ego, it damn well means you’ll be getting a rose.

4. On the group date, the ladies had to paint self-portraits that reflected their inner drag queen, and Abbie coincidentally ended up right next to Matt as she was painting.

Abbie, probably.

The ladies were introduced to Art Simone, a drag queen who was there to help them embrace all the parts of themselves that they wanted to show Matt.

Apparently Abbie wanted to show Matt her demonic side.

And the other girls were getting real damn tired of Abbie’s high-key flirting with their main man.

Honestly, sometimes I think these ladies need to think about their journey on the show more. They’ve nearly got it nailed: form close friendships, drink wine, go on sporadic dates, chill by the pool, but maybe in the end THEY shouldn’t choose the man. Snap that rose in half, if you know what I mean.

No, I mean the literal rose you actual sicko.

5. Chelsie had a bit of a breakdown moment but Art Simone was there to pick her back up in maybe the most touching moment on the series so far.

Chelsie = not a good painter and she started to lose her way a little.

But the real reason she was upset was more to do with the fact she got stuck painting herself and her attributes because in her last relationship she was constantly told she wasn’t good enough.

Art Simone whisked her off and gave her a pep talk about how wonderful she is, and it was actually quite beautiful to watch.

I hope Art Simone whisks me off and tell me I’m beautiful next time I am brutally dumped.

6. Everyone revealed their paintings except Matt forgot it was meant to be him and not what he desires in a woman.

Moving on, Abbie unleashed her real, terrifying self on everyone. “It looks a bit crazy!” Abbie said proudly, in the understatement of the year.

What. The. Fucking. Fuck?

It was Chelsie’s painting though that truly depicted her true self.

OK fine, this was her real painting: in it she highlighted her maths ears, the rainbow hair for the fun side of her personality, and the crack in the background to show she was a little shattered but trying to repair herself.

I’m not crying, you are.

Intermission: Here’s my painting

7. Chelsie won the solo time and Matt combo: a rose and a big old smooch.

For only $9.95 and a heartfelt speech about wanting to find love, you too can buy the Matt combo.

There’s not much to say here, I zoned out a little because when people express deep emotions like “I can see myself falling in love with you,” I disassociate.

8. At the cocktail party the ladies agreed that Elly should be the one to talk to Matt first. Well, everyone but Abbie.

So naturally when Matt sauntered in to greet his flock of wives, Abbie was quick to steal him away. In her defence, he was right there in front of her for the taking and nowhere near Elly.

But we really need to pour one out here for sweet Kristen who saw the girl code viciously broken and may never recover.

After Abbie snuggled into Matt for a while, Elly decided enough was enough. It was time to go claim her solo time that she should’ve received last night. Rarely do we see cocktail party interruptions this late in the game, but Elly is not here to mess around any longer.

The three jovially fake-laughed together and pretended everything was A-OK in their polyamorous little commune, but dear reader: things were NOT OK! Things would never be OK ever again.

Only one blonde can come out alive in the end after all.

9. Elly finally got Matt alone and told him Abbie wasn’t “emotionally mature” enough for him.

Refresher: Matt has now been told at least three times that Abbie isn’t here for the right reasons, including the time his BFF said it to him and he just promptly chose to ignore her advice even though he brought her on the show to give him advice.

“I don’t like talking ill about people but I don’t know if Abbie has the purest intentions,” Elly told Matt, before saying she didn’t think Abbie is emotionally mature enough to move to Melbourne, settle down and start a family. “Are you ready for that?” Matt asked Elly, she of a similar age, even though Elly had already told him previously she was.

Ugh, I remember being 23/24 thinking kids wouldn’t be that far off or at least definitely before 30. LMAO. No thanks.

10. Abbie later came to fake-apologise to Elly, who wasn’t having a bar of it.

“Sorry for going first, it just happens, he was right in front of me,” Abbie said. It turned into a mini argument with Elly letting Abbie know it would’ve been nice if she had put her first, especially after Elly gave her the date card last week.

The only word that probably registered in Abbie’s brain in this instance was “first” so the overall message was lost.

Elly told Abbie she didn’t want to be stomping all over people to get time with Matt and Abbie doubled down on the whole “Why? I’m here for Matt and no one else” narrative.

“It’s not the Elly and Matt show anymore, it’s the Abbie and Matt show,” Abbie’s voiceover told us.

Umm how do I unsubscribe, someone help.

11. At the cocktail party, Osher told the ladies that no, they couldn’t get Macca’s, as they had perfectly good food at home.

They weren’t happy!

Now it’d make sense if we thought Emma was on the chopping block because she has the darkest hair of the lot now, but unfortunately…

12. Beautiful, sweet Kristen departed the mansion and left us with a couple of classic final expressions.

There was the one when Matt called out Abbie’s name instead of hers…

And the one when a producer asked what she’d think if Abbie won.

I sure hope she’s off to enjoy a succulent Chinese meal.

Next week on The Bachelor: Elly probably jeopardises her chances of staying by spilling the truth tea on Abbie again.

BRB.