‘The Bachelor’ Episode 12: Save Me From The Nothing I’ve Become

Finally, the time is here! The inaugural Bachelor Segway relay!

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve been waiting with bated breath for this moment.

The girls are split into two teams to race a Segway around a track and then answer a question about their shared husband. If they get it wrong, there’s a one minute time penalty.

Damn, you got your whole seat but you only need the edge!

Dasha answered a question saying loyalty is the most important aspect of a relationship – which is the wrong answer according to Nick.

Considering rumours are flying around that our Badge may still be on the prowl in this current day, that is absolutely SHOCKING!

The blue team, led by Brooke, won the challenge but not before yellow team captain Britt threw herself off her Segway in a last-minute attempt to win Nick’s heart.

Brooke won the solo time with Badgey Boi, while the other girls plotted her demise. Obviously, they had originally tried to drown her in the river in last night’s episode but it didn’t work.

Brooke and Badge had a big open-mouthed kiss on their date.

Emily finally got her solo date and it was ballet-themed!

I stared at the TV with avid anticipation. “Finally,” I screamed to myself. “Something interesting is about to happen!”

“No, my poor, stupid child,” my elderly neighbour yelled from next door. “This date is gonna be fucking boring.”

And, damn, she was was right.

The Badge and Emily danced for some professionals. “The look on their faces was priceless, I think they were really impressed!” Emily told us.

Oh, hon.

Nick and Emily went to the part of the date where they finally got to down a bottle of champagne.

I like dates like this too, except just me with the champagne and no one else.

And uh… it was really, really awkward.

To break an awkward silence, Nick told Emily she had a good “set-up”, which was very sexy and didn’t make her sound like a computer at all.

“That hair,” Nick said. “What did you do with it, curl it?”

“Mama,” my 18-month-old son said,  tugging at my sleeve. “Do you think maybe Nick needs to realise that it’s not the women that have the problem here, but after he burns through all his dad jokes and compliments them on their physical appearance, he just doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to forge a deeper connection?”

At the cocktail party, Osher came to drop off a date card that had no name on it. In fact, it was a plea for help before the producers dragged him kicking and screaming back to the basement.

“Do that again, and we’ll cut your hair,” one savagely whispered.

Shazza decided it was her last attempt to woo Nick and told him they could “empower” one another.

“I love that,” he said, eyes glazed over. He had stopped listening to anyone three weeks ago.

Sophie decided to draw him a picture to show how she was feeling about everything.

Dasha let us know that approaching men is a huge turn-off. Or maybe it’s just men are huge turn-offs. Either works.

Sophie nabbed the last single date and Shazza chucked a tantrum and slammed the door.

At the rose ceremony, Nick put down Tinder briefly to send Shaz home. She was not happy.

“You should have given it another shot, we would’ve made a great couple,” she sobbed, clutching onto his shoulders. “You should’ve just kissed me.”

Actual photo of me right now:

And for some reason, Dasha dramatically dropped her rose, sunk to the floor, and cried.

And it just… wasn’t explained??

Next week: Sophie gets her last single date and she and Nick WooHoo in the hot tub.

I’ve already booked three therapy appointments in preparation.