9 Things That Happened On Tonight’s Kinda Shocking Ep Of ‘The Bachelor’

Welcome back to another week of The Bachelor and, spoiler alert, we’re nearly at the end!

The questions on everyone’s lips remain: Will Matt choose with his heart or his dick? Has he really fallen in love? Has Bachelor in Paradise really been cancelled because, good God, Abbie needs to be on that show?? And can I order Uber Eats for the third time this week while cancelling all my gym classes under the guise of self-care?

Tonight’s episode saw the shock elimination of a hot favourite before hometowns. And just when we thought this show was getting predictable…

Here’s everything that went down on episode 13 of The Bachelor:

1. The group date was about Matt testing his sexual chemistry with his five girlfriends.

I mean you’d think that because Matt has A) kissed everyone and B) narrowed it down to his final five choices, that he’d have chemistry with every single one of them.

But hey, what would I know about chemistry? I haven’t had a romantic connection since 1898.

2. The first test is a blindfolded hug while the other ladies watched from a TV in another room. Very normal!

The criteria was that Matt had to stay blindfolded and the hug had to last for about 40 seconds. Physical contact for 40 seconds? Disgusting.

His other girlfriends watched from a room in the house as Matt hugged each one of them. Now that we’re getting close to the end, it was quite easy for the others to feel jealous about all the connections Matt is having with each lady.

I mean, it’s not every day you watch your boyfriend get intimate with another woman except that actually did once happen to m–.

Story for another time.

Matt broke out in a literal sweat when Abbie went in for her sensual hug, making sure she scratched his back in all the right places.

IDK if there are wrong places for a back scratch, I just have a self-imposed word limit to fill here.

3. The next test was a staring competition, which Abbie took to the next level.

OK so when Abbie stares at a guy like this it’s “sexy”, but when I do it he’s all like “What are you doing in my house, I’m calling the police?”

Double standards IMO.

Also they had to stare each other in the eyes for FOUR minutes. FOUR. DAMN. MINUTES. I’d start doing that thing where you’re trying to keep eye contact but then you realise your eyes are accidentally focusing on only ONE of their eyes, so you try to look at the other, but then your eyes just start darting back and forth weirdly and we’re getting off track, but do you know what I’m saying?????

4. Matt ended up choosing Elly for some solo time, but quickly lost interest when she brought up Abbie again.

After reassuring the ladies it was a very tough decision because he has such strong connections with everyone there, Matt chose Elly for some one-on-one time. Poor dude having to go through the ordeal of dating so many beautiful women. I hope he’s going to be okay.

After telling Matt how wonderful he is and how she can see herself falling for him, Elly went ahead and basically eliminated herself by warning him about Abbie again.

After telling Matt that Abbie was only after social media fame, Matt let us know he didn’t mind being made aware, but the fact that it’s come up a second time made him think Elly was shoving her opinions down his throat instead of her tongue.

I paraphrased him there, but you get the general gist.

5. Abbie scored a solo date and she and Matt “moved in” together.

Their moving in didn’t look remotely as challenging as what it does when you really move in with a partner. First up, no one cried, and second, they didn’t break up over trying to assemble an IKEA bed.

They got a little hot and heavy in the bedroom and as I averted my virgin eyes, Abbie dropped the line that she had been going in for the “dry hump” because Matt is “so hot” and her sexual frustrations aren’t being helped in this situation.

Honestly, go off, sis, just bang him and let’s end things here.

6. But Matt pumped the breaks so he could ask Abbie about her intentions and where the rumours of her being disingenuous came from.

I honestly, honestly can’t wait to see Abbie score a leading role on Home and Away after all of this.

Matt asked Abbie if she was building a profile out of this experience. “I don’t even know where to start with that,” she said holding her nose, either to hold back the tears or to stop it from growing Pinocchio-style.

Matt then asked Abbie where things could have been misunderstood along the way, and she started talking about seeing a future with him but didn’t actually answer the question (that we saw, anyway).

In her voiceover, Abbie said she thought they were all over throwing each other under the bus, even though one could argue that is what she did with Monique but- whatever.

Watch out Elly.

7. At the cocktail party, it was on like Donkey Kong for Elly and Abbie.

As Matt stole his one true love, Chelsie, away and into the night, Abbie told the girls about her date. “It was the best date I ever had,” she said. “I have not laughed that hard in like two years, I was screaming while laughing!”

Honestly, sounds a bit painful.

Elly decided to pull Abbie aside to be upfront with her about what she said to Matt. After telling Abbie that she herself is taking this very seriously, Elly said, “Some of the things you’ve said in the house made me question if you are.”

Abbie shut down the conversation fast by saying she didn’t want to talk about it and walked off.

There are two scenarios here:

1. Abbie is over the high school bullshit and knew nothing good would come of defending herself.
2. Abbie didn’t want to get caught on camera admitting to other things she’s allegedly said in the house.

I’ll let you be the judge.

8. And in a shocking rose ceremony twist, early favourite Elly was booted.

It’s like watching Nikki Gogan’s younger sister get her heart torn out and flung across the room as Osher tries to speedily catch it but misses and then it bounces into the pool and drowns.

An emotional Elly lets Matt walk her outside and tells him how confused she is. “It’s the shitty part of this,” Matt says, as a way of explanation, but as the limo drives off you could tell he was genuinely gutted about hurting Elly.

The ladies with the roses gathered to express their shock to one another.

Everyone else’s poker face when Abbie dropped these lines were so stellar, Logies for everyone!

9. But at least Abbie feels much better.

Tomorrow night: A lady had a meltdown on home visits, and no, it’s not just me.