‘The Bachelor’ Episode 13: It’s Getting Hot In Herrre & The Bach Pool Needs A Good Clean
Hi, welcome back, we’re nearly at the end of Horny Badger’s Quest To Find A Spring Fling!
Strap yourselves in and let’s have a yarn about tonight’s episode.
We open with Nick contemplating life in the ocean… meaning he wondered if he could swim away from the producers and set up a new life on a desert island somewhere.
No luck, they netted him and dragged him back to shore.
The ladies and Nick went on one final group date: 1950’s-themed tenpin bowling!
And here I was thinking bowling couldn’t get worse!
Britt told Nick that he looked like the alpaca that lives at their house. Haha, so many laughs to be had! Sometimes when you cry you can pretend you’re actually just laughing and people won’t even know any different.
Sidenote, that alpaca looks more emo than me in Year 12, which is saying something.
The group did bowling speed dating (yes, another made up sport!). Basically, every girl who bowled a strike got to spend some solo time with Badge until the next lady scored. It was truly as exciting as normal bowling. “I’ve had a few strikes in my time,” Britt says.
Same girl, but I have a feeling we’re talking about something different.
The ladies are then forced to write letters to their parents begging them to pay the ransom fee to get them out of this hellhole.
Just kidding! They had to write a letter to themselves in 10 years time. It was very emotional! In the ad break I wrote a letter to myself.
“Tahlia, in 10 years I’ll be so surprised if you haven’t picked up a Walkley,” I wrote. “But, bitch, I swear to God if you’re still putting Comic Sans on images in your thirties and laughing at your own repetitive jokes, the most shocking part of that would be that The Bachelor is still going.”
Phew, that was emotional. I can see where these ladies were coming from.
Dasha was having a hard time being away from her son.
Tbh I have no jokes here, I felt really bad for her, so let’s keep jogging on.
Cass literally said the phrase, “I want to keep this diary forever” because of course she did! Cass loves diaries.
Cass poured her heart out once again, but it was Britt who won the solo time with Badge after she mentioned sex still being “mind-blowing” when she’s coupled up in 10 years time.
I’d imagine that’s a thing that can happen with happy couples, but I just don’t know any.
Badgey Boi took Britt to Australia’s most romantic date location: Max Brenner. But they weren’t alone!
Name a more iconic duo: I’ll wait.
The two got amongst the treats and I regretted signing up to a no-sugar, no-carbs program earlier this week.
I only licked the TV screen three times, but then I had to stop because I kept accidentally licking Nick’s face.
Britt tried to open up about her feelings and you could actually feel Nick emotionally shut down as soon as she asked him how he felt.
He struggled to get anything overly genuine out, and settled on “not a bad package” and “you’re very beautiful.” Wow, forget Sam & Snez, Georgia & Lee, Tim & Anna! The romance, the strong connections, the pure, obvious love this season has been as mind-blowing as the sex Britt wants in 10 years time.
They kiss. I feel nothing.
On the solo date, Nick and Sophie hit the ice. Like… as in they went ice skating.
“Sophie’s a great bird, good smile,” our man of substance said.
They played a little ice hockey, followed by a bit of tonsil hockey.
Nick gifted Sophie with a stuffed bear. No, that’s not a euphemism, you absolute sicko! You’re DISGUSTING. Go wash your hands!
Nick then showed Sophie his Bach pad and things well… things escalated.
As this is a family-friendly show, I had scheduled a call in with my Nonna to watch some of it together, but all I heard was gentle weeping down the line and muttered prayers.
Anyway, back to the show. “You have a fire in the eyes, you’re charging with passion, as a spectator to that… you just put wind in my sails” Nick told Sophie.
…What.
Is this how straight, single men talk? Asking for a single friend who doesn’t talk to men.
Back at the mansion, the other ladies wondered what Nick and Soph could possibly be getting up to.
Ladies, you don’t even want to know, I emergency called my therapist five times.
Sophie returned roseless. I returned my eyeballs back to their sockets.
“It would’ve been nice to cement my feelings in a particular way,” she told Britt, as though she hadn’t just had the steamiest makeout session in the history of the Australian Bachelor franchise.
Meanwhile, Cass stole Badge away to sing some tunes around the pool. It’s always cute to see siblings get along so well together!
Cass, girl, I love you, but at 23 you have so much life to live! So many men to date! So much of the world to see! DO NOT SETTLE!
Sorry, I’m projecting again.
At the rose ceremony, Badge cut Dasha so she could return home to her son, as well as the walking Bachelor cliché encyclopaedia.
Just kidding Emily, love you too, see you at Mooseheads in Canberra.
Tomorrow night: Home visits and Uncle Sam has aged terribly, good Lord.
