‘The Bachelor’ Episode 14: Honey Badger We Were ALL Rootin’ For You! How DARE You?!

Dear Diary,

This show has destroyed my dreams when it comes to finding love.

Just kidding I never had any.

Anyway, let’s recap tonight’s very emotional Bachelor, shall we?

Nick’s feet contemplated the tough decisions he has to make. Send feet pix, sweaty!

But seriously, put them away.

And no, for the comments, I didn’t misspell ‘sweetie’ just then, learn your memes.

Cass scored the first hometown visit and believes Nick is her fairytale prince, coming to save her.

I mean, hon, aim higher, but OK.

The two ride horses for a bit and talk about… horses, I guess, and meeting families. I mean, we all know how this hometown drill goes, everyone pretends to be nervous to meet the family, someone pulls the Bachelor aside to “have a chat” and everyone is all lovey-dovey and friends by the end.

“Is it the horse, is it the nature, I don’t care but it’s beautiful,” Nick told us, except we have no idea if he’s talking about Cass, the horse, or… himself.

Cass’ sister mentions she’s seen our boi Badge on Instagram and TV before, and he looks exactly the same IRL!

Fancy that!

After he meet and greets the family, the ladies go outside to have a chat. Cass’ mum thought it was an appropriate time to remind her that she had put Nick on her “list of things she wanted.” In case that wasn’t clear, she meant her “vision board”.

I have a vision board too and it’s for this show to put me out of my misery.

The sister decided to grill Nick on his true intentions to find love. He’s still not sure why he signed up for the show, so he wasn’t very good at answering.

King of dodging on and off the field. That’s a sports joke for ya!

In the end, he got the approval of the family and the mum even gave him Cass’ heart to take home in a little Ziploc bag.

OK, sure, she gave him cookies.

Do you know if you spell ‘help’ backwards it’s ‘pleh’ which means absolutely nothing, but I am sending a message right now.

On hometown visit No. 2, Brooke showed the Badge some parts of WA that he hasn’t seen before… but if you believe the rumours, he’s seen a lot.

That’s a sex joke, mum!

Nick said he’s been trying to figure out what his feelings for Brooke but he’s confused by these strange feelings possessing his body! Probably because he’s a man and can’t figure out basic emotions or differentiate sex and lust from love. “My body wants her and so does… my heart?” “What does this mean?” he wondered.*

*That’s what I imagined he was pondering.

Brooke’s bestie gave Nick some death stares and I want to be her other best friend.

Brooke’s mate Tess, does not believe in the show at all and it was truly a beautiful thing to watch. “You gotta expect the curly questions, but she’s throwing the kitchen sink at me,” Nick said, his eyes begging a producer to rescue him because women who don’t fawn all over him isn’t something he’s used to.

The date ends with Brooke telling Nick that she’s falling for him and it’s nice, but also I’ve read enough Daily Mail articles to know it’s not going to work out so it’s hard to be invested.

On Sophie’s hometown date, Nick and Soph got wet again.

They went on jet-skis, get your bloody mind out of the gutter!! This is a family show!

This hometown visit was a little boring tbh. The family lightly grilled Nick, while I had a microsleep.

Sophie’s sister did mention to her that she thought Nick was a “smooth talker” which I jolted me awake to laugh uproariously.

Sophie, however, was still battling the concept of “opening up”. “I’m not someone who’s going to put my heart on a plate and pass it to him when there are other girls involved,” she told us. Which I thoroughly agree with, don’t get me wrong, but Soph – what did you think the show The Bachelor was?

On the last hometown visit, Britt and Badger finally reunited in Port Macquarie for the first time since they were born in the same hospital or whatever the shit that storyline was.

They kick things off by riding camels on the beach. Did you know I typed that sentence with my eyes closed? And to think people say I have no talent.

Some bored AF man pretended not to see them on the beach, but his dog missed the memo about not being suspicious.

Tag yourself, I’m the fish out there trying to be caught.

Britt’s dad, Uncle Sam, gave Nick a good grilling saying he didn’t like football players because they’re not known for treating women all that well.

Holy shit, who woulda thought Britt’s dad was the feminist icon we all needed on this show?!

Britt’s brother also had a go at Nick, asking why he had to go on a show like this to find a new bird.

Nick was stumped because he never actually realised the show was about finding love, he thought he was just there for a good time and a bit of banter.

Britt and her sister have a chat, and Britt’s sister drops the bombshell that Nick had dated someone else before. Omfg. The nerve.

It turned out she meant that she had “read’ the “media” reports of Nick dating Cass in another life. Which seems legit, I doubt a “producer” let it “slip” directly into her “ear”.

Sorry I don’t know why I keep “doing” “this”.

Britt asked Badgey Boi how long he and Cass dated for and he answered with, “Um, however many times we caught up.” Well! That cleared that up!

At the cocktail party, Britt makes her move to find out the truth, and nothing but the truth so help her God.

Cass, who was just genuinely excited to see her friend soon realised something was Not Right and it was painful to watch.

“I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life,” Britt told Cass, which is wild coming from someone dating a man who was also dating 25 other women, but sure.

They eventually hug it out, but only after Britt demands Cass to tell her if they ever slept together, and Cass is like “that’s inappropriate”.

Anyway, if this pic of Cass being upset that her friend made a scene on national TV about something she could’ve asked her privately doesn’t break your cold dead heart, then nothing will.

Cass, please call me if you need to talk about betrayal, I’ve got loads of advice.

At the rose ceremony, Badge did what he should’ve done before hometown visits. He left Cass roseless.

Honestly, it was just cruel to get her excited over family visits, we were all rooting for you, Nick! I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE YELLED AT A GIRL LIKE THIS BEFORE! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS.

Nick gave Cass some speech about how she’s amazing, but they’ve hit a ceiling.

Honestly, it’s like guys only want you for your mum’s cookies and I’m fucking sick of it.

Next week: A dramatic exit leaves Nick devo, because karma is a bitch.