11 Things That Happened In Episode 2 Of ‘The Bachelor’

Are you still recovering from Zoe-Clare’s speech last night? Same. But we have to move fast in Bachy world, so let’s jump straight back into what happened in episode two of The Bachelor.

A new day dawned and Zoe-Clare had recovered from her mystery illness that led her to miss the rose ceremony. I get the same mystery illness around once a month. It comes on quickly on a late Saturday night and stays lingering on the Sunday.

Cheap wine is a killer.

This episode was all about dates. Dates are very versatile and you’ll learn that if you ever trial going vegan or want to try to cut back on processed sugar. They can be used in SO many recipes. Quite expensive though.

OK, right. Sure. You want to talk about Locky. FINE. We watched the formulaic single and group date unfold tonight and it was honestly like putting on a well-worn jumper that now smells mouldy.

The first single date was a boat ride, and the group date was the infamous photoshoot. It pretty much went the way it does every year: people got jealous at the photoshoot, Locky and his chosen single date woman jumped off a boat, I gazed at a point above the TV for at least seven minutes until my eyes started playing tricks on me and I thought I saw the face of the Virgin Mary staring back at me.

Here’s what went down on episode 2 of The Bachelor:

1. Bella, this season’s probable winner, got the first single date. Everyone was very happy for her, of course!

Just kidding. The ladies were super excited to see Osher though, but there was no smiles and cheers for Bella. More just quiet whisperings of how to poison her tea when she’s not looking.

“OSHER’S HEEEEEEEERE”

Such a thrill and shock that he still pops up after eight seasons of this show.

2. It’s important to note that this was all filmed pre-Rona, so Locky and Bella got a nice, non-Zoom date. It was cute, if you were them I guess.

It was boring if you were me, sitting home alone on the lounge, lazily sprinkling choc chips onto a spoonful of peanut butter as they flirted with each other by saying things like “this is fun!” and “wow!”

3. The group date was announced and of course both Zoe-Clare and Areeba were chosen, as were maybe six other stray blonde women.

The producers have sniffed out some drama, and Zoe-Clare and Areeba are working hard to give them what they want so they can secure their plane ticket to Fiji.

4. Back on the boat date, Locky popped some champagne for the first time in his life.

He also tried champagne for the first time in his life by the looks of it.

As we’ve learned so far, Locky is definitely not a “roses and champers” kind of guy. When Bella said she loves some champers, Locky looked downright scared as though she just said she was already pregnant with his spawn.

Locky sipping his champers looked exactly like me taking the first few sips of Omni when I was on a uni student budget, which is to say, the budget I’ve been on my whole entire life.

Yes, I’m nearly 30 and no I won’t pay over $15 for a bottle of anything.  Yes, I drank five bottles of Omni watching this scene, through a funnel, while I played a voice recording of someone yelling “chug, chug!”

5. Bella received a rose, given to her by Locky’s teeth.

Locky disappeared under water, and I put my head in the sink and turned the cold tap on full blast to fill in some time until he returned to give Bella her rose.

They pashed while treading water which seems insanely hard.

I mean, I’d have to have a noodle or a kickboard to make this scene work — otherwise I’d drown.

“When have you ever been treading water with a handsome man anyway?” My virus of a neighbour Doris yelled out from her bathroom window, splashing around in her bath like she was a fucking oversized toddler. “Jumping into the water and needing to be rescued by a lifeguard because you can’t swim doesn’t count, moron!” she screamed, laughing heartily.

I hope she falls over when she gets out of the bath.

6. The photoshoot date brought the usual chaos. Areeba and Zoe-Clare were paired up together. Of course.

Zoe-Clare did the most to get Locky’s attention, which makes sense because that’s the usual premise for a show like this. The photoshoot is all about stitching up some girls, while they all try to outdo each other winning the Bachy’s eye contact for seven seconds.

Areeba wasn’t impressed that Zoe-Clare was stealing the limelight, and she let us know that when she’s super mad at things, she laughs like a crazy person. I relate to this very much.

7. Steph won the whole damn photoshoot dressed as a family dad, Steve.

Just kidding, she actually looked like this.

She blew her competitors out of the water, who were actually dressed nicely for the “family photoshoot”. Irena got to play Locky’s girlfriend so they managed to get some sneaky handholds in under the table, much to the disgust of Gucci Laura, who probably thinks holding hands is as boring and foul as going to Bali.

8. Roxi and Locky got to play an engaged couple but Roxi got the shits when Rosemary tried to get some eye contact with Locky.

“I’m pissed off because Rosemary has taken my moment,” Roxi said. Literally, you could have told me Roxi was the intruder at this point and I would’ve believed you.

9. An intruder arrived in a wedding dress, but it was just me getting lost on my way to try and convince MAFS to pair me up with someone so my Nonna stops hounding me.

10. Osher dropped a bomb saying the real intruder, Kaitlyn, would get the solo time with Locky.

So not only did new girl Kaitlyn get the solo married photoshoot with Locky, Osher also whisked them off to have some alone time together WITH a cheese plate. Not even 7-11 deli sandwiches for Kaitlyn, she’s really getting the royal treatment.

Anyone else think she kinda looks like Faith from Richie’s season?

11. The other blondes cried.

Look, I’m going to predict it was a long-ass day. When Osher said “ladies, this doesn’t mean the night is over, go home and get ready for the cocktail party” it broke all the people left in the room. Me included.

Sometimes a girl just needs a break in between cocktail parties, ya know? But it turned out Channel 10 heard my prayers (or at least realised I was the one sending them angry emails yelling “LET MY TEAM HAVE ONE NIGHT OFF” signed “PUNKEE”) and we have to wait until next Wednesday to see what happens next!

Next week: I presume the cocktail party will happen.