‘The Bachelor’ Episode 3: Vanessa, Blink Twice If You Need To Be Rescued

Welcome back. Episode 3 of The Bachelor had it all. Shirtless Badge, romantic dates, some pashin’ and some more screentime for our queen Vanessa Sunshine.

We kicked things off with Brittany getting the single date. The producers stitched Cass up to think it was her, so that went down well.

Meanwhile, Vanessa screamed from her eyes to be rescued.

The whole clue was about “meeting before” and how could we forget the Badge and Brittany first met in the hospital as BABIES, or whatever they want to believe.

On the date, Brittany and Badge played “Foot Golf” which is really just code for “we must unnecessarily touch each other”.

All of this is so unrealistic tbh. If a guy tried to come up behind me while I was winning a sport (lol), it’d be a quick ‘accidental’ foot towards a different kind of ball.

Badge and Brit then had a more serious talk about their feelings and values they look for in other people.

Brittany’s values are “Humour, respect and love”. The badge just wants to wake up and realise his lady is still in bed and hasn’t bailed in the middle of the night.

He then asked if Brit wanted to be dismissed to go to the “pewwwl” which sounded like the start of some P.E. teacher porno gone wrong.

He gave her a rose and used the classic pick up line that’s 100% effective every time: “Give us a smell”.

I… never want to date. Again.

Moving on to the group date, the girls had to practice how firm their handshake grip is.

There’s a lot of jokes I could make here but as my parents once told me: “Not everything you think needs to come out of your foul, perverted mouth, now go to confession.”

They ladies also had to prove they deserved one-on-one time with the Badge by doing the waltz down a plank with him without falling off, and by answering questions about him. For example: Is Beryl the name of his grandma or his cat? Haha, it’s the name of his cat, dumbass! Classic gag making it sound like an old lady name.

Vanessa won the solo time and she was simply thrilled about it:

You can tell she wanted to beat Cat from Bali, but our ball of sunshine is not interested in any solo Badge time. She low-key hates him.

On their date, Vanessa answered the Badge’s questions with as much enthusiasm as a visit to the dentist. She then pleaded with him to let her go, dear God, just LET HER GO.

OK, so she may not have used those words, but she definitely used some sort of blinking morse code. Badge was just confused as to what to do when someone doesn’t laugh at his jokes. It’s clearly something that doesn’t happen too often for our poor boi.

“Do you like Dad jokes?” he desperately asked at some point. “Nah. I don’t get them,” Vanessa bluntly replied.

I’m sorry, but I LOVE HER.

Moving on, Brooke decided to use her special key to break into the Badge’s house and get some precious alone time with him. They ate breakfast then played ‘footy’.

If footy was rolling around on the ground and scoring no tries, but then again, the Parramatta Eels have that covered. Thank you, no please, I’m here all night.

The two have a good old frolick and Brooke even tackled the big Bach boi straight to the ground! Naturally, she must give him CPR! Naturally, that means they must kiss!

If I sound bitter, it’s because I am.

Cass watched on.

Anyway, the lowdown is both of the Badge’s solo dates with Brittany and Brooke were pure and wholesome and they’re both falling in love with him already, and man it’s gonna suck to see one of them cry.

At the cocktail party, Badge pulled Dasha aside to see if she wanted to give him another F45 lesson. She instead tells him she has a mini-me.

“A little whippersnapper,” he exclaims, which is what I also nicknamed… never mind.

FINALLY. The moment arrived where Cass decides it’s time for the Badge to hear her thoughts from her diary. Except there’s one problem…

The diary is about as blank as my brain is in a Monday morning meeting.

Actually, technical glitch! We sorted it out:

I showed a boy my diary once but it was from when I was 12 and it turned out he thought my “breaking news” entry on Saddam Hussien being captured was weird. But as we know from reading these recaps I’m a real journalist, and I’ll be damned if anyone tells me otherwise.

Relieved she had finally confessed her love, Cass went in for the ol’ Romy neck pash.

Meanwhile, for some reason, the rest of the girls were fighting.

First, it was because Queen Vanessa didn’t want to declare any sort of feelings for the peasant Bachelor. Then it was because Shannon just thought the infamous trio (Alisha, Cat from Bali and Romy) were just being rude binches.

IDK, there was just a lot of yelling over nothing, which tends to happen when there’s a lot of free alcohol on offer. We’ve ALL been there.

Crystal Cayla, pool Kayla, and some blonde bitty left without a rose. Crystal Cayla decided it was only fair to pull Badge aside to let him know neck-sniffing Romy and Cat from Bali were not the REAL DEAL.

But they had us all fooled! I thought they truly wanted love.

Anyway, poor Cayla tried her best but Badge just looked wildly overwhelmed by the “girl drama” and politely sent her on her way.

Tomorrow night: Cass gets worried Badge likes other girls! Cat from Bali and Shannon probably kill each other! Who knows. But most importantly, don’t forget to catch Punkee’s video recap tomorrow morning!