11 Things That Happened On Another Drawn-Out Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’

Welcome back, friends and enemies. Welcome to episode four of The Bachelor where no one was sent home tonight because I can only assume the episodes have been dragged out for unnecessarily long because of COVIS-19, like we’re not all suffering enough.

Tonight’s episode of Bachy saw Nicole whip out her Triple Threat Rose early (smart move given, you know, the impending lockdown that’s about to hit them all) and a Gridiron group date saw tempers fly between Roxi and well… Roxi.

We entered a new cocktail party with tensions high, but it cut out early. After I banged my TV for a while like it was 1999, I realised that (once again) we’ll have to wait until next week to see the cocktail party unfold. As if we’ll even remember anything that happened on episode four by then! That’s mainly why I write these recaps, because in my old, weary state it’s hard to even remember what day it is or what my life purpose is, let alone the names of these girls and what they’re fighting about.

Let’s make this short and snappy, just like me.

Here are the 11 most important parts from episode four of The Bachelor.

1. Nicole used her Triple Threat Rose and because she’s scared of heights, the date involved rock-climbing. Of course.

If I ever want on one of these shows (which, if you ever see me on one, please know it means I have officially lost the plot) I would just say I am terrified of being in a hot tub with a hot man giving me a massage and it’d bring me to tears because of the fear.

Actually, tbh, it probably would. Haven’t met a hot man in years.

Even amongst all her fear, Nicole still managed to remember what was most important: Locky’s biceps.

They also pashed.

God all this touching! All this being closer than 1.5 metres apart! All this sweaty kissing of a virtual stranger! Takes me back to the good old days.

2. Back at the house, Areeba and Kristina lead a staged conversation with Maddy and Roxi about how Juliette betrayed them… while also doing a staged workout.

Honestly, this looks like me every workout session when my PT says “do 12 reps” and disappears to get something else for me to do, so I just stand there until he comes back and then shout, “11, 12, phew, that was hard!”

3. Locky and Nicole got to the romantic part of their date, shared their feelings, and had another smooch.

Not much to say here tbh.

4. The group date is a Gridiron one because Locky used to play when he was younger.

Can’t wait to take all my future boyfriends on a date about something that was important to me in my youth – a tour around my My Chemical Romance shrine.

I stole this meme idea from Mat Whitehead, who hosts TL;DR and Mat, if you’re reading it, it’s not the first time I’ll plagiarise your jokes, or the last time!! That’s a promise!!

The producers even managed to make it rain so things got extra dirrty, Xtina style. There was a rivalry between Roxi and everyone else on the field, but Charley got on Roxi’s bad side when she did this epic tackle.

All my old, brittle bones just clunked together looking at it.

The other thing to note is that Areeba was on this date, but Juliette was invited not her. Juliette *cough* the producers *cough* allegedly gave up her spot on the group date to Areeba to apologise for that absolute betrayal of a letter from last night.

The only logical solution here is that Juliette knew a wet footy match was taking place so did what anyone sane would do and backed out, OR the producers set it up thinking we’re all idiots. Maybe both?

5. Roxi won MVP of the match, either because she was really good or because she threatened to set the Bachelor mansion on fire if she didn’t win.

I mean, I wouldn’t fuck with her.

6. Intermission: YouFoodz.

Forget Blistex! Throw away your Magnum tub! This year we’re all about YouFoodz.

7. Roxi and Locky were super horny for each other and she talked about her horny dreams for him.

She also tried to smell the fake rose he gave her.

Anyway, the whole thing was Roxi telling Locky she had a “naughty” dream about him while he was like “You can’t leave me with the dream, now I’m going to be having a dream tonight!” and meanwhile I was dry-retching into my YouFoodz container.

Just kidding, I order My Muscle Chef.

Roxi decided to not go in for the kiss in an attempt to leave Locky wanting more. I wish I knew what that kind of self-restraint was.

Anyway, while they were flirting, the weirdest thing happened. This flashed up on my screen.

Eerie!

8. Kristina, Areeba, and Juliette made up. “Yay! Thank God! We were so worried!” we all screamed, with tear-filled eyes.

Just kidding, that was me actually greeting my Uber Eats delivery dude because he got lost.

“We’re all very happy.”

Areeba was super forgiving towards Juliette. She only gaslit Juliette into feeling bad, apologising, giving up her spot on the group date, all while literally kissing Areeba’s hand and foot. It was all very normal.

So glad the three besties are back on track. Woo! Strong female friendship!

9. Nicole rocked up to the Bach Pad for the final part of her Triple Threat date. Locky made her chips and gravy.

Honestly, dream date.

Locky was worried that maybe he and Nicole might be bordering on friendship (as BIP’s Jules would say, maybe they’re friends who make out) but the chips and gravy date sealed the deal that there is a romantic connection there.

I mean the real perfect coupling here is the chips and gravy, let’s be real. Couple goals.

Also, it flashed back to the mansion for a bit, with the girls speculating how the date was going, and while Roxi was getting jealous it flashed to this girl. To which I say… whomst?!

Honestly, normally four episodes into a season I know everyone, their life story, their age, and their intentions. This season… it’s hard to care.

10. Night descended, a cocktail party started, and Roxi was on edge because Nicole also got a rose.

A rose! After a date! Unheard of!

Juliette was the first to intercept Locky, who hadn’t even let go of Nicole’s hand first before she bombarded him with so many letters it was like he was getting an invite to Hogwarts.

Just kidding. Not a letter in sight sadly. Bring them back, Juliette!

11. The episode cuts because Warner Bros. is torturing us. Next week, it looks like either Cyclone Roxi or Cyclone Areeba is going to hit. The weather forecast is murky so far.

Until then, my brave soldiers.