OK, Tonight’s Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’ Was Definitely More Interesting

Welcome back to the last episode of The Bachelor for this week. Take a seat, get strapped in, and let’s go on this journey together. I’m your host, Tahlia Pritchard, and as always it’s a pleasure, not a chore!

Just kidding, it’s kind of a chore.

OK, fear not my sweet little bitter children. Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor was actually kind of… good? It was definitely much more entertaining than the last few, but as we know, the bar was low and for once I’m not saying that in reference to dating cishet men except, well actually I am. Really makes you think.

Let’s get this party started and delve straight into all the shit that went down on tonight’s episode of The Bachelor!

We will miss thee, Queen Dorinda, her reign cut short.

1. The warning signs of Covid-19 have struck – Locky arrived to the Bachy mansion to take the girls on a date… set up on the front lawn.

The game they all had to play? None other than chess. Or as Gemma called it…

2. OK, so they were really playing ‘Compatibility Chess’ with the girls having to answer a ‘Never Have I Ever’ question and make a move towards Locky if they had the same answer as him.

The game was a competitive one, with Areeba and Roxi out to get each other (just for something different). Also, until this moment I don’t think I had ever seen ‘Never Have I Ever’ played sober before.

Never Have I Ever thought Prince Philip was alive after 2011!

Maddy scored an advantage in the game, and she got to kick Areeba off to replace her with someone else. Areeba took this well. Obviously.

But on the plus side, Gemma finally learned what game they were all playing…

… and she even won the whole damn thing. What an absolute icon. Your faves could never.

The funniest part was the question that sealed the deal for Gemma and Locky, which was whether those competing were “known for keeping their word” and they both said this was true. Brooke Jowett is out there, shaking her head in disagreement.

The one person not happy for Gemma was Roxi, who had been in the lead before Gemma came to steal her crown. This is her best impression of us, the audience, watching her be mad at everyone on the show:

3. Gemma and Locky’s date was maybe the best one we’ve seen all season.

Oh, not because of romance, lol. But because I could happily sit there and watch Gemma carry a conversation all day long. Not only did she confess to having a permanent dent in her head from wearing her crown when she won Miss Australia of The Year or whatever beauty pageant it was, she kept referring to Locky’s adventures as “space jumping” instead of “base jumping.”

They ended their date with an amicable hug and zero roses.

4. Unfortunately we then had to head to the cocktail party, my now most hated part of the night.

To kick things off, Charley decided we haven’t suffered enough already and whisked Locky away for a bath date. A mud bath date.

This got the other women riled up, because apparently they were gone for an hour. “I don’t want to watch this,” Roxi yelled at no one, before storming off. I’m glad she found the solution to her problem by simply not watching it.

The other girls also bitched and moaned. “Is it appropriate to take your clothes off at a cocktail party?” one complained. I mean it wasn’t appropriate for me to take my clothes off and jump in the Wollongong mall fountain every time I was drunk during uni, but did it stop me?

Just kidding Mum, if you’re reading this. 🙂

5. Kaitlyn was quick to slide in on Locky once he was free again, and decided she was ready to go in for the kiss.

In Kaitlyn’s eyes, this was a kiss. So much so, she went back and told all the other girls they did kiss. I mean, whatever floats your boat I guess. All I do is kiss my hand every now and then to remind myself of how to do it in case I forget, so who am I to judge?

Roxi was so excited for Kaitlyn! She grabbed her in a big hug immediately and said she hoped Kaitlyn got the next single date!

Just kidding, Roxi was FURIOUS. FUMING, even. The audacity of someone to try to steal her man!

Roxi went on to call Kaitlyn “Gold Coast trash”. That’s a HUGE yikes from me, Roxi. Nuh-uh. You can have your gripes with someone for whatever reason, but let’s not go for the low blows and slut-shaming.

6. In their private time, Irena helped Locky take his producers’ earpiece out so he could think clearly again.

Locky took Irena away for a little private chat, where they stared at each other with barely concealed longing (kind of how I look at a pile of hot chips when I’m hungover) and this also kicked off more tension amongst the other girls.

Irena was safe after all, and the other women who hadn’t got a chance to spend any time with Locky pretty much broke down faster than me on a Bachy finale night. That’s pretty damn fast, btw.

Quick breakdown: Bella was upset about Locky not looking at her all night, while dealing with conflicting emotions about being happy for her BFF Irena. Rosemary was crying because… well, I think she has a 50% track record of crying at cocktail parties, which is a huge mood. I assume Nicole was crying because she just wanted to dance and have a good time but Covid means you have to stay seated, and Gemma was crying because her plastic crown left a new dent in her head.

Handy hint: only one of the sentences above is a cold, hard fact.

Laura wasn’t having a bar of it.

7. In a genuinely sweet moment, Irena comforted Bella and wiped away her sad boy tears, and everything was OK again. Temporarily.

I want Irena to adopt me.

8. And then shit properly hit the fan when Marg stood up to deliver some sort of speech to the ladies, only to be interrupted by Kaitlyn. This set Roxi off.

Yeah, I don’t know who Marg is either.

As Roxi screamed at Kaitlyn that she was trash, Kaitlyn told her to go cry some more. All of a sudden, we were all stuck in the pettiest fight we’ve ever had with a sister or BFF, except this time no one was being punched and winded for cheating in Monopoly (long story about my sister and I, I’ll explain it later).

Tag yourself, I’m a mix of every one of these ladies wondering what the fuck is going on here.

Also please note the producer in the background making an absolute run for it. Same, sis!

It basically all looked like this, and I’d love to offer you more context into why these two hate each other but I simply don’t care enough to still be here typing this late at night.

9. Rosemary, aka Pingu, and Kristina were sent home.

True story, I sat here with my eyes closed about to write “Katherine” then I was like, ugh that’s not her name, then I went to write “Kaitlyn” and I was like, nope still not it, and then I squinted at my computer for a really long time because I was DETERMINED to remember it myself.

We were also left on the cliffhanger of Osher walking BACK into the rose ceremony after the girls vacated, saying he had an announcement for the group. What could it be?! (Cough, cough).

See y’all next week for what I assume is LOCKDOWN week, just because we’ve all really wanted to watch Zoom dates, right? Right?