‘The Bachelor’ Episode 7: Meet The Intruders & One Girl Tries To Escape Bachelor Prison

Welcome back to another week of Unreal. I mean Australian Horror Story. I mean The Bachelor.

We kicked off with the news that three intruders would be joining the mansion. The original ladies were not thrilled.

So weird, I kinda thought the blonde bob in the middle may have been an intruder already but apparently not.

Somewhere down the driveway of lost dreams, Nick was thrilled to greet the new girls: Deanna, Jamie Lee and Brittney (aka Britt 2.0).

He politely smiled at Deanna (she’ll get cut next week then probably), he danced with Jamie Lee (flirting like a 13-year-old boy means you like someone on this show), and Britt 2.0 screamed “Konichiwa” in his face.

Unfortunately, I did not make that up. I could’ve labelled the above image for you, but you can probably guess which one is Britt 2.0.

Meanwhile, the girl with the blonde bob is really, truly NOT an intruder. Wild.

Her name is Ashlea!

Osher gathered the girls to tell them they were playing a new made up sport: The Moonhopper netball tournament.

Osher tried to say it’s like regular netball but the girls had to bounce around on some balloon which is absolutely not like regular netball at all, but sure, whatever.

Unsurprisingly, the game got really competitive.

Think screaming, tackling (in regular netball we pushed each other over on asphalt courts instead of grass) and the Honey Badger with a hard-on.

Sorry, sorry, I tried to delete that part of the sentence but the CMS told me not to be a little bitch.

Intruder Jamie Lee injured her ankle after being tackled by Brooke. Cat was super concerned.

A medic came in to assess Jamie Lee, Honey Badger carried her off to the hospital like a modern day bogan Tarzan etc.

Back at the house, Romy is thrilled to meet the new girls and welcomes them warmly into the house. “We’re family here,” she said, beaming. “Let me know if you need any help at all settling in!”

Just kidding! She basically gave them a once-over, deemed them ‘not a threat’ coz she didn’t think they were that good looking and carried on drinking red wine out of a champagne glass. As you do. Cat from Bali then bags out Deanna for wearing her sports shirt as a midriff top?

“She looks pissed 24/7, mate no wonder you’re 28 and single,” Cat exclaimed. I truly have no idea at this stage if she’s talking about Deanna or if she’s talking about me, but if the shoe fits.

In what I wish I could say was the weirdest scene of the night, Britt 2.0 made the Badge drop it like its hot. Yeah, that’s a cool 2004 reference for you.

As the famous philosopher Aristotle once said, “When the pimp’s in the crib ma.”

Britt 2.0 then yelled in the Badge’s face, “YOU’LL GET USED TO ME!” which is what I constantly yell to my boyfriend Ben, except Ben is just a balloon with a smiley face drawn on in permanent marker.

Moving right along to the single date: Honey Badger picked Tenille as his chosen one and talked at length about Tim Tams for some reason.

I think he was talking about how good Tim Tams are and how Tenille is like a good Tim Tam (double coat, I guess) and anyway… fuck, I want a Tim Tam.

The date was the two going to a beehive, and extracting honey. Get it? Because he’s the Honey Badger.

Next episode, he morphs into a badger! I can’t wait.

The two then tried some honey, and Tenille really enjoyed it.

As it turned out, instead of biting into it she was only meant to suck on it. Ahh, the jokes I’d make if I wasn’t such a staunch Catholic.

“She jammed that whole thing right in her laughing gear and gobbled it up!”, the Badge said, sounding astounded. Somewhere inside my body, my fallopian tubes sealed themselves shut.

On the “romantic” part of the date, Tenille’s mouth was still stuck together with honey wax.

The two were having a really good time!

Anyway, they eventually kissed. Fireworks! Stars! The Sims Woohoo music!

At the cocktail party, Tenille told her boyfriend’s other girlfriends that his macking on skills were top notch.

I’m now trying to make a REALLY LONG STORY SHORT so we can both go to bed. This set Romy off, and Tenille and Romy started having this nonsensical fight about whether Tenille agrees with kissing on the first date. Apparently, Tenille originally said she wasn’t for it and Romy thinks it’s stupid for people to change their minds or something.

Romy started being all, “Why are you on The Bachelor if you can’t stand a man kissing other girls?” and Tenille was all, “I’m walking away from this bullshit” and I was all, “wake me up inside, save me from the nothing I’ve become.”

Fast-forward 30 seconds of fighting and bullshit and Tenille had enough and ran off. Straight down that driveway, with her dress half undone in a desperate bid to get rid of her mic. Romy felt awful, just awful!

Tenille basically has a big breakdown as a producer tried to calm her, in between Tenille screaming at everyone to shut the cameras off. She attempted to hail an Uber, only for the producer to cancel it on her. (This may or may not be true, but hey, it’s Unreal‘s world and we’re just living in it at this stage!)

Finally, Rachel, I mean… the producer, calmed her down and walked her back up to the prison they call the mansion.

At the rose ceremony, the original girls were shaken to their core as Honey Badge picked an intruder (Britt 2.0) over Rhiannon and actual non-intruder Ashlea.

With the OG mean girls not happy Jan, tomorrow night is sure to bring more Catty drama. It’s a play on Cat’s name in case you missed it. I’ll see myself out.

Tomorrow night: It looks like the Badge kicks someone out and something something controversial, and the fourth wall is probably broken again.

Did you click on this thinking it was Punkee’s video recap? Oops! Stay tuned for it to drop on Facebook tomorrow morning!