‘The Bachelor’ Episode 8: ANOTHER Made Up Sport, Oh & Four Girls Got Booted

Welcome back to another episode of Honey Badger’s Desperate Quest To Bonk.

We kick things off with a close up of the Badge’s feet.

Send feet pix, sweaty.

Oh also, they’ve decided to go make up another brand new sport, like we don’t already suffer enough with the real sports that exist.

This one was something to do with swimming and bingo and everyone was getting their LEGS ELEVEN out if you know what I mean, but I don’t know what that means tbh… I just Googled ‘bingo terms’.

Anyway, the girls were on teams and had to play bingo… in the pool… to win alone time with Nick.

Sometimes for fun, I make my dates duke it out in a competition to win alone time with me except it’s just cardboard cutouts of Brendon Urie in different Panic! At The Disco eras and every single time I don’t give a rose to the Pretty Odd era. But I guess that has nothin’ to do with anything.

JUST LIKE THIS STUPID POOL BINGO SPORT.

Emily and Tenille made it to the final round and had to battle it out for alone time with the Badge. The competition was who could drown the other one first.

Nah, but for real they had to race each other across the pool in giant floating balls. Tenille started rolling backwards, so Emily won! Yay Emily! Who are you?

During their solo time, Emily read out from The Encyclopaedia of Every Bachelor Cliché.

It worked and she got a rose and a kiss. She was SUPER stoked to get a rose, even exclaiming “my first rose!”. Sis, uh, you’ve made it eight episodes in, I don’t think this is technically your first rose but who am I to make the rules around here.

I wish I made the rules around here.

Cat is mad that Brooke got the single date card. She could be out working on HER BUSINESS if it wasn’t for this DAMN SHOW.

Cat, hon, no one is making you stay.

Meanwhile, some artist is sharpening his pencils. Yep, it’s time for the annual Bachelor drawing competition!

But with a twist! The struggling artist who accepted this gig out of pure defeat is going to draw them. Except not by looking at them, but based off Badge and Brooke’s descriptions of each other.

I finally deciphered his message, but it was too late. 🙁

Badge and Brooke describe each other and, it’s well… a lot.

In between my vomiting, I made out the words “beautiful, panther in the jungle, kissable lips”.

Then I updated my Tinder bio.

Back at the mansion the ‘Mean Girls’ sit down with a hot brew and talk about the patriarchy, what feminism now means in the world of social media, and the gender wage gap.

Just kidding, they’re having a good ol’ bitch.

The fourth wall is broken. Again. It’s very new, fun and interesting!

Everyone is having a GOOD time.

Brooke and Badge checked out their new artwork.

They then had some deep talk about feelings and boring stuff. She received a rose, they kissed.

Don’t get me twisted, I love Brooke… I just hate feelings.

Next thing it’s 2011, I’m back at uni, and we’re at a Toga party, baybaaaaay!

OK fine, the cocktail party was Toga-themed, cementing the idea that the Badge isn’t a fully grown adult and is just using this show to live out his frat boy dreams.

But most importantly, Britt 2.0 was living and having the bloody time of her life.

Ready as always to drop it like it’s hot, Britt just went around the mansion dancing, screaming and waiting for a conga line to drop at any second.

Nick borrowed Tenille for a chat and using the candles on the table, asked her to demonstrate who the ‘Mean Girls’ in the mansion were.

This is put over a nice montage of Cat from Bali, Romy and Alisha saying Tenille is a lemon. Tenille spilt the tea on the ‘Mean Girls’, and Nick said he looks forward to his love cult being a “happier team”.

Nick took Cat from Bali away for a chat, and she let him know she could be working on her bloody business right now!

Some cynical people would say… maybe she is.

“This is a place of love,” Nick told her. It’s so easy to take a 30-year-old man in a Toga on national TV seriously when he drops lines like that, may I add.

Anyway, the Badge gave her the boot because she was upsetting his other wives.

Cat started crying but not before once again dropping she could be working on her BUSINESS.

Cyaaaaaaa!

Osher crawled out from behind a bush and dropped the news that Cat had hitched a ride with a Menulog guy and got the fuck outta there. Romy and Alisha were bloody devo.

“Cat is the light of the mansion she deserves it more than any of these other losers,” Romy said in a voiceover. Hmm sorry Rom you are WRONG, Vanessa Sunshine was actually the shining light in all our lives.

Britt 2.0 who has no idea any drama has gone down whatsoever wondered what happened to the conga line she tried to start.

At the rose ceremony, Nick offered the last wilted rose to Romy and she said no. Osher gave a huge sigh. He wanted to be in bed hours ago.

Honestly, same.

Anyway, Romy ain’t staying in the mansion without her fake Bali queen or her political advisor Alisha!

So long story short, Cat from Bali, Romy, Alisha AND my beautiful kooky star Britt 2.0 left the house roseless.

Next week: The girls face the “human lie detector” which is just me in a trenchcoat.