‘The Bachelor’ Episode 9: Actual Snakes, An IRL Lie Detector & Deanna Blink Twice If You Need Help
Welcome back to another week of watching someone who looks like ya dad in the ’80s try and find love on a reality show.
It’s a lot. Pour a chilled goon. Let’s go through what happened in the latest episode of The Honey Badger’s Journey To Find A Six-Month Commitment.
Osher actually made an appearance with the date card for once. He reminded the girls the show was about finding love.
Britt had just heard about all the Bachelor In Paradise breakups and wasn’t quite buying it.
While everyone thought Cass or Emily was due for a single date, it turned out Britt was going on her second.
Cass and Emily looked like I do when Macca’s try and tell me the soft serve machine is broken.
Super unlikely, bitches. Turn it back on.
The Badge took Britt to the zoo. No, not the mansion where the other ladies were, lol! You’re so savage.
He brought out the Mean Girls for Britt to wrap around her neck and she was less than impressed. Badge let us know that he’s a snake handler from way back. It’s called being a teenage boy at some stage.
“Don’t panic, and he won’t panic,” Badge said about the snake. As in, the reptile snake. I think.
The two moved onto feed a huge crocodile. Everyone was oblivious to Kayla screaming out for help.
Turned out the croc didn’t want the Chiko roll so they had to try a different main course.
And Ned Stark thought he had it bad.
Who made it through? Stay tuned for the next Survivor/Bach spin-off series!
At the “romantic” part of the date, the two sat down to reminisce on all the animals they saw that day, which was as thrilling as it sounds.
They also sniffed the rose to see if it was real or if CBS was cutting funds.
As it turned out, both Britt and Badge have life aspirations to travel (wow!), get married one day (revolutionary!) and have kids (you don’t say!). The producers whispered in Britt’s ear to tell Badge she wanted to move to Byron, and they sealed it with a heavy petting session.
Yep, I’ve been sitting on that animal related joke, thank you.
On the group date, we met Steve the human lie detector. He used to work for the FBI and has regrets about whatever led him here.
Steve has helped the police out with over 79 homicide investigations but unfortunately wasn’t able to figure out last year who really did piss in Jarrod’s pot plant. Sad!
Deanna loved her time with Steve.
Like most males, Steve couldn’t quite figure out what to do when a female stares at him with utter contempt. In my experience, it either means to fuck off or to go get me food. Mainly both.
Steve quizzed Cass on her very developed feelings for Badge.
“I think Cass is actually infatuated with Nick,” Steve told us. This man is SWITCHED ON. Give him a pay rise! I didn’t see it before, but I see it so clearly now.
Badge and Steve have a moment about the direction their lives have taken them in.
At the assessment after, Badge and Deanna sat Steve down to drop some painful childhood memories on him.
Nah just kidding. Steve went through and assessed each lady and while watching this fascinating bit of TV I managed to wash and dry my hair, do 150 burpees, finish my taxes, get married and birth my own spawn.
That’s code for you didn’t miss much.
At the cocktail party, Cass and Nick had ANOTHER chat about her feelings for him. They’re still there, growing! God, they’re growing.
While they hugged for 84 years, I stared at the optical illusion that was Cass’ hand on her own stomach, which I originally thought was Nick’s paw. Dafuq.
Nick was comfortable and happy and not making desperate eye contact with a producer who was on their ciggie break.
The fourth wall was broken again as the producer screamed at Nick that they barely get breaks, they’re tired, they’re overworked and he’s not THAT special.
Nah, just pullin’ ya leg. But you nearly believed it, right?
Finally, it was time for BROOKE’S. BIG. REVEAL.
Sidenote, Brooke’s Big Reveal sounds like a Babysitters Club book.
Brooke told Nick she has had relationships with men and women. Nick took it in the way that most hetero men in their thirties would and started rambling about souls in bodies jetting off to find direction. “We are just souls inhabiting a body trying to find our way, and to work out the direction you want to take in the end,” he said.
Personally, I wish I could find the direction of that fucking speech, what a mess.
At the rose ceremony, Nick sent Deanna packing. She cared a lot. Would the tears ever stop flowing?
After they recharged her batteries, she finally left the mansion.