12 Things That Happened On The “Dog C***” Episode Of ‘The Bachelor’

Ahhh Australian reality TV. It’s given us so many moments over the years, but tonight it went where no show has gone before. Tonight, the word “dog c**t” was dropped.

Reality dating shows rarely make me feel homesick, but as soon as I heard that sweet, sweet phrase I was instantly transported back to a dingy pub in Wagga Wagga, listening in as one girl slagged off her significant other for drinking too much goon and pashing someone else on the sticky dance floor of The Vic.

But enough of a heartwarming nostalgic walk down memory lane. Who called who a dog c**t and why?

Let’s try and unpack this shitshow episode of The Bachelor.

 #1. Osher pirouetted in to let the girls know Matt was whisking them ALL away for a coastal retreat.

Everyone screamed on cue accordingly, bar Rachael who simply could not give a flying fuck. We stan an unexcited queen who doesn’t feel the urge to scream about Matt taking them all away to start a sex cult or something.

#2. At the cult retreat, Abbie was gifted the first solo date. Monique couldn’t contain her excitement.

This is where we first learned Monique isn’t very thrilled with Matt. Actually, she’s “livid”. She’s mad that he was disrespectful enough to take her on a date, kiss her, then kiss Abbie at the cocktail party afterwards. The nerve! of this behaviour! on a reality dating show! about one man dating 20 women!

#3. Matt and Abbie got to know each other by squashing citrus fruits with their, uh, feet.

Send lemony feet pix, sweaty!

As they squelch away, the innuendo was flowing. “Don’t get so vigorous! I think the slower, the more enjoyable it is,” Matt said to Abbie, which is the words of advice I try to keep in mind when I’m opening a family size block of chocolate. Never works.

Matt then went to give Abbie a taste of the foot juice (as a joke) to which she was all too ready to accept.

Yep, this girl was seriously about to drink this man’s sweaty, orangey foot juice. Someone just wrap this thing up, if this isn’t love I don’t know what is.

#4. Abbie and Matt then continued to get to know each other on a deeper level.

After some pashing, fondling and sharing of childhood trauma, Abbie then finally felt ready to drop the bombshell on Matt that we’ve all been waiting for. Normally a bombshell on this show is someone proclaiming their love too early on. Tonight’s bombshell was actually the opposite…

Abbie told Matt that Monique had called him a “disrespectful pig” and a “dog c**t”.

That scream you just heard was me screeching in happiness at how much I love Australian TV. Forget the time someone sent me an anon message on Tumblr saying I “looked like a dog that had been hit in the face with a shovel.” Put “she said you are a dog c**t” on my tombstone instead, I am done and dusted.

#5. A new day dawned and Matt took the ladies not involved in the drama on a group ouija board date.

If you look closely, you can see me lurking in the background waiting for my cue.

Matt desperately assured us in his piece to camera that he needed to put the Abbie/Mon drama behind him, so it made sense the date was uh.. a truth circle. It’s not culty, guys, it’s NOT.

Matt waited it out hoping one of the girls would bring up being annoyed that he kissed Abbie at the cocktail party, but the silence on the matter had thrown him. Ugh Matt, you would’ve had much more success with the ouija board. Can’t you just picture it already? “Dear spirits of Bachy past, did Mon really call me a dog c**t?” as a producer slowly nudges it to the “yes” answer.

#6. Chelsie won the alone time with Matt and they talked about being nerds for 157 hours, while sitting about five metres apart.

Matt was impressed at how much Chelsie opened up during the truth circle (not culty! I swear!) and she proceeded to tell him how she brought some engineering textbooks to the mansion in case she ran out of things to talk about with the other ladies.

As the two bonded over being giant nerds, Matt asked Chelsie “Am I stimulating you intellectually?” which is truly the romantic phrase every girl is dying to hear from a potential future partner.

Chelsie did secure a rose and a CHEEK kiss, because poor Matt is now gun shy when it comes to planting a big, wet pash on anyone else, maybe ever again.

#7. Thought it was cocktail party time? Think again, bitch! There was time for one more single date: this time, Helena.

Matt continued to talk on camera about Monique’s alleged statement weighing heavily on him, but he’s ready to put it behind him, suck it up, and date another beautiful girl. Good on him, I say! So brave.

The two met with this dude, who told them they’re about to make a “pearl baby” and it’s like “IVF for pearls”.

I’m scared and aroused.

This date was also filled with sexual innuendo, with Helena asking at some stage “is it in?” while Matt quipped that no bloke ever wants to be asked that question. Ha ha! Sex!

I assume the two successfully made their baby IVF oyster pearl… thing. Matt then gifted Helena with a pearl necklace. No like, an ACTUAL pearl necklace you sick, sick bastards.

She also got earrings!

But alas, even though Matt is absolutely, 100% not at all letting that Mon/Abbie thing get to him, he gifted Helena with a rose and absolutely no kiss. No pearly tongue. No sucking down of the oyster. Our boy has been left shattered and scared.

#8. Intermission: What indeed is a Dog C**t?

Who said Aussies don’t have culture?

#9. Matt decided to confront Monique at the cocktail party about what she allegedly said. She’s allegedly shook.

But we can’t ignore the best exchange that happened here.

Matt: “There was some flowery language used..”
Monique: “Floury?”
Matt: “Flowery.”
Monique: “Flowery?”

Forget the terms disrespectful pig and dog c**t, we gonna be stuck on figuring out what “flowery” language means for a while yet.

Monique denied everything and Matt had to go get Abbie and bring her in to figure out what the real truth is.

Poor guy. Even the Honey Badger didn’t cop this kind of image slamming on the show and that’s saying something.

#10. Enter Abbie. Monique then took control of the convo. “Babe, why would I be a Matt hater?” she asked Abbie.

My one rule in life is to never trust anyone who starts a convo with “babe” when you know they’re not there to play nice with you. Abbie stuck to her story and didn’t back down, telling Monique she did say those things. As Monique denied it, she then pulled this line: “I didn’t say that, I can’t imagine me saying that.”

OK, take it from me, a person who watches a lot of Real Housewives – as soon as the language changes from “I didn’t” to “I can’t remember” or “I can’t imagine” the party is absolutely guilty in some sense. I’m looking at you, Ramona Singer!

#11. Matt ended up scoping out the rest of the party and asking the other ladies WTF went down. The reaction was mixed.

The general consensus is Monique DID say “dog c**t” but some people (Rachael) said it was in jest, while others (Elly, Emma) didn’t take it as a joke. Some (Nichole) recalled defending Matt against something said, but couldn’t remember the context. Other ladies (Sogand) were annoyed that what was shared in a private convo between the ladies, has leaked back to Bachy boi.

This led to our poor leading man ready to call it quits. “Tonight has been a tremendous waste of time,” he told the ladies, before leaving the cocktail party… for good.

Kidding! He probably went to go count his roses or ask Osher for a massage or something.

Monique, meanwhile, was super insistent she has never used the word “pig” in her life. Because that’s the real problem here, lmao.

#12. At the cocktail party, Matt did the only thing that made sense. He kicked out Julia.

Trust us, no one was more shocked that Monique that she managed to scrape through.

TFW you’ve done everything in your power to get him to dump you first and he still doesn’t.

Tomorrow night:

The dog c**t saga continues, I guess.