20 Things That Happened On The Premiere Of ‘The Bachelor’
It’s that time again — The Bachelor Australia is back for another year, and we can finally throw our Honey Badger voodoo dolls into the trash where they belong, and focus on a BRAND NEW MAN.
I, for one, am ready to throw all my time, effort, love and devotion into someone new. But anyway enough about my life, let’s actually recap The Bachelor.
Matt Agnew has already been touted as a kind, smart, hot nerd, so in other words, he’s filled with qualities that Badgey Boi never had. After last year’s fiasco, it looks like Network Ten is bringing us back the real deal, focusing on one man’s quest to find true love in a mansion filled with beautiful women — you know, just the classic fairytale romance. We even get to hear the “I love you” declaration in the promo, which means there WILL be a winner.
Speculation aside, let’s get down to business. Here’s everything you missed on the first episode of The Bachelor, 2019:
#1. Matt said he applied for The Bachelor because it’s basically science. Sure sweetie!
OK, OK, I’m paraphrasing. What he actually said was, “I applied for The Bachelor because I’m a man of science and I like to make my decisions based on proof and evidence. There are people who have found love, the evidence is there to say this works.”
DUN DUN. Welcome to episode one of Law & Order: SBU, where the detectives of the Special Bachy Unit have come together to analyse all the victims of this show to find one main target. The target of love.
Matt then does some slow-mo running on the beach while saying he’s scared he may miss out on love.
So when Matt runs down the beach with his shirt off saying he’s worried he won’t find love it’s fine, but when I do it, people call the police?
#2. Osher welcomed Matt to his new hell, and they both had a hair stand-off.
Osher hasn’t faced competition so strong since Matty J’s season!
#3. We met our first Bachelorette, Helena, who has previously gone with her “head over her heart” when it comes to love.
Matt and Helena are both quite nervous and it’s adorable to watch. As in, it’s adorable to watch extremely good looking people get nervous then laugh about it together, all while seeming very composed. When I get nervous I either snort-laugh or mix up two words and try to join them as one. Less adorable.
After Matt conducted a job interview with Helena and took three deep breaths with her, she decided using her heart over her head was a bad decision and walked off.
KIDDING. She got through to the second round of interviews!
#4. Chemical engineer Chelsie rocked up with a stick-on tattoo for our boy.
“Do you know what this is?” she asked, while Matt had already asked what molecule it was at the same time! They’re in sync! Or as I used to say to my friend when we said similar things “We’re NSYNC!” He blocked me soon after.
Chelsie is damn shook that Matt is actually smart, because the bar for heterosexual dating is extremely low.
Chelsie tattoos the symbol for oxytocin, the love and/or sex chemical, onto Matt’s chest, and we get a close up that shows more nipple than any girl’s allowed to ever show on Instagram.
“I’m going to get a warm flush actually,” Matt said after the tattoo was applied to his bare chest. In the normal world, men just call those erections.
#5. Kristen arrived and the background music let us know we shouldn’t take her too seriously.
Kristen is a “China researcher” and loves China so much her mates refer to her as “China girl”.
Kristen brought a box for Matt and lets him know she’s noticed him checking out her box. No, seriously, her words, not mine.
They open her box (honestly, mum, this isn’t my own innuendo, please stop texting me and telling me to grow up!!) and inside are fortune cookies! Weirdly enough, the fortune doesn’t predict that Kristen might be better off moving to China.
#6. We fast-forward through some other girls who clearly aren’t going to be Top 4 material.
There’s the Pilates instructor who showed Matt how to spice up some missionary…
…There’s Hannah, who does her best Love Actually impersonation.
And there’s Nichole who for some reason told us this story…
If I ever had four guys chasing me down in a car, I’d be calling the police. Nichole, pls be careful out there.
#7. Vakoo arrived and smized her way down to Matt.
She rolled out her own damn carpet, showed Matt how to pose and walk, and then told him “once he goes black, he’ll never go back.”
#8. My office sweep, Emma, arrived and talked about her dream wedding while ruining my chances of winning $103.
Emma fell immediately in love with Matt and said she thinks about her wedding every day. Every. Day.
EVERY DAMN DAY, EMMA THINKS ABOUT HER MADE-UP WEDDING.
“He is just perfect,” she gushed about Matt, while telling us she’s an old-fashioned romantic. She then told Matt she’d like a classic theme for her wedding day while I walked around my empty office trying to steal someone else’s sweep name in the hopes they wouldn’t notice.
We then flew through some other girls including Keely, Tash, Georgie, Cassandra and Sogand, who tricked Matt into asking her to marry him in Persian.
Honestly, we’re barely halfway through the show and this dude’s nearly been married twice.
#9. We met Elly, who arrived with some serious wifey background music and camping chairs. The show then cut out as the two decided to yeet off and start their new life together.
Ahhh just jokes, I was trying to end it early so I could go take my night-time dose of Armaforce, but it’s not time for that yet!
Elly’s gesture did sweep Matt off his feet though and perhaps their ending is already written in the stars.
Boom, tish, I’m firing myself, don’t worry.
#10. Jessika Power arrived for another shot at love, before realising she was on the wrong show.
Rachael is a mix of an Ines, Jessika and Keira all rolled into one person. “I want to be a young bride,” she explained, as deadpan as Ines was that time she said on MAFS being in her bikini was a full time gig.
“I’m a hot young bride, so we may as well get started now,” Rachael said to Matt, which ironically is also my opening Tinder line.
After Matt tried to suss out if Rachael’s bridesmaid was a contestant (spoiler! she’s not!) Rachael sauntered off to introduce herself to the other ladies. They loved her!
#11. Amid high-pitched shrieks of “OSHEEEERRRR”, our main man Osh dropped the Bachelor world-first on the ladies: The Golden Ticket.
It’s Matt’s chocolate factory and we’re all just living in it.
However, there are no scheming grandparents or Augustus Gloop’s in sight. The Golden Ticket actually allows the lucky winner to go to Melbourne to Bill’s dog park and be shown around by the man himself.
Please, just let me have my fun.
The Golden Ticket actually allows the winner to go on a date to Matt’s hometown (Melbourne) and go for a deconstructed coffee or some shit. So it’s a step up from that thing Brooke won last year to go visit the Honey Badger in his Bachy lair while he swiped on Tinder or whatever.
#12. Matt rocked up to cheers the ladies and thank them for throwing their lives away for anywhere between 1 – 8 weeks.
The ladies all looked at him adoringly as though he had just pledged to personally buy them all a puppy each.
#13. Matt pulled Emma away for the first chat and she basically fell in love, married him, fell pregnant and gave birth to his spawn in five minutes.
Emma, to her credit, seems sweet and just a woman who knows what she wants. And what she wants is a husband.
As Sogand let Matt know he had really proposed to her back on arrivals, Emma continued planning their wedding.
#14. Continuing with the Willy Wonka theme introduced earlier, Vakoo compared Matt to a three-layer choc fudge cake.
So basically she was calling him dense, rich and when you indulge too much it makes you physically ill.
No, wait. What she was really trying to say was she’s seen the cake, she’s smelt the cake, and now she wants to have a taste of the cake.
OK yeah, nah, still weird.
#15. INTERLUDE! DRAMA LLAMA IS BACK!
I love you, Mum.
#16. Helena finally got to have a chat with Matt, but Love Actually (Hannah) was quick to swoop in and awkwardly sit there watching them.
Literally me at the pub when there’s no one else around, and I have to pretend to be interested in wing-womaning my friend while some guy with a hidden Southern Cross tattoo hits on her.
Rachael then dropped the most iconic line of the episode:
This is what we call juxtaposition people! This is the sweet, sweet imagery my Year 12 English teacher was no doubt going on about back in 2008.
#17. Nichole took her crack at Matt and talked to him about Astrology, which he loved. LOVED!
They’re both Leos (fire signs), so she was quick to say they were about to go on a wild, fiery journey together.
As someone who is also a Leo (yes it’s my birthday soon and I want presents and/or compliments) I can guarantee that not all Leos are ready for wild, passionate journeys. Some of us are just ready to take our lavender heat pack to bed.
#18. In various corners of the house, Kristen preyed on unsuspecting subjects to talk about her Lord and saviour, China.
She also joked about wanting Chinese food at some stage, and the girl is right. Sometimes all you need IS a succulent Chinese meal.
#19. While Matt and Elly had a lengthy chat, Emma kept her eyes on the prize… the Golden Ticket.
“Could I marry the Golden Ticket?” Emma wondered. “Would the Golden Ticket be up for a classic spring wedding in an Irish castle?”
#19. However, it wasn’t meant to be! Matt snatched a rose, the Golden Ticket and took good ol’ country girl Elly aside to invite her to Melbourne.
Matt gives a cute speech about connecting with Elly right away and feeling comfortable with her, etc. while she blinks at him in rapid confusion. Elly! This is the Bachelor! Your new boyfriend! Don’t be afraid, you guys will be OK!
#20. At the rose ceremony, Osher kicked out 18 of the girls and let us know it was just down to Chelsie and Elly for the finale tomorrow night.
Ahhh gotcha again, we have fun here together! This didn’t actually happen! Classic gag!
Anyway, we said toodleloo to *checks notes* Keely and… Sophie.
Tomorrow night: 8 new girls enter the mansion and have to battle to the death, Red Wedding style.
Don’t forget to stay tuned for our video recap, coming your way tomorrow morning!