18 Things That Happened On The Premiere Of ‘The Bachelor’
Welcome to the season premiere of The Bachelor! It feels like only yesterday we were watching those crazy kids on Bachelor In Paradise profess their love or throw rings into the ocean or whatever, and that’s because it pretty much WAS only yesterday.
But keep up, we’re moving on from that and we’re moving faster than Ciarran jumps from girl to girl. Let’s forget all about Bachelor In Paradise. I can’t even remember their names anymore!
It’s time to move onto Locky Gilbert’s season of The Bachelor, and he’s having a really good time being Australia’s number one man.
Bloody hell, we’re in for an intensely emotional journey by the looks of it, but like Fergie once sang ‘Big Boys Can (And Should) Cry’ and it’s actually nice to see so much emotion from someone who is a walking, talking Survivor God. Even if it is because he’s fallen in love with two ladies and only just figured out he can only pick one in the end.
Some of us have ZERO choices, Locky! But you don’t see me crying! Because I don’t feel human emotion anymore!
Let’s dive straight into recapping the premiere of The Bachelor 2020.
1. Locky told Osher he was ready to meet his future wife. Osher seemed slightly taken aback.
“I mean, did you see the success rate of last year’s seasons?” he whispered to Locky. “Just slow down for a second, my good son.”
2. First up was Steph, Queen of Burritos.
Steph was very impressed Locky was rocking a suit (?!) and basically thinks men should wear suits all the time, even to the burger shop. Which they should! They should also duct tape their mouths shut all the time too, while silently handing me their burger! But enough about my fantasies. 
Locky and Steph then bonded over their love of burritos. “I love a girl who loves a burrito,” Locky said as if this was a quirky personality trait not often found in women. We learned Steph loves a beef burrito with extra jalapeños, and Locky can’t do spicy, and I want to put a chilli in my eye just to feel something again.
2. Izzy came bearing a platter, and she had one simple wish: that Locky makes her laugh so hard she has an asthma attack.
“I’m a spicy girl, looking for a spicy guy. Do you think you can handle the heat?” Izzy asked Locky, whipping off the lid of a cloche to reveal…
Just kidding. The tray actually just boasted a couple of chillies. Did these girls go in knowing Locky hates spice?! Is this a non-subtle way of poisoning him before the season even begins, so they can all jet off to Fiji ASAP? Am I meant to rock up to first dates now and demand my date eats a chilli to prove to me he’s worth pursuing? BECAUSE I WILL.
Locky kindly let Izzy know that even a capsicum is too spicy for him, which may be the whitest thing I ever did hear.
3. Next was Nicole, who danced her way into Locky’s heart.
So when Nicole does this it’s cute, but when I try to dance to impress a guy my neighbours start pleading with me to turn down ‘Get Low’ while my Tinder date just softly weeps with embarrassment? Cool.
4. Next up is Irena the nurse, who gets some wifey music. We can only assume she’ll at least make it to hometowns.
What does hometowns look like in a Rona world, I wonder? Because fuck knows I haven’t seen mine in months.
5. We Nicki Minaj-ed our way through some more girls. One tried to kill Locky, but ultimately failed in her mission.
During this time we met Areeba and Zoe-Clare, two strong personalities – but trust us when we say we’ll circle back to all of that a little bit later.
6. As more girls trumped through with an array of gifts for our Bachelor, we even got a marching band entrance!
I wish it went like this.
Charley entered and was the only girl so far to recognise Locky from Survivor. She swore on her eyebrows 157 times that it was the Survivor guy, and guys, this is serious, her eyebrows are the loves of her life, so she wouldn’t swear on them for NO reason. She actually told the girls they could shave her eyebrows if she was wrong about Locky, except no one was exactly disputing her and also, no one cares about her eyebrows.
We continued on through the night with more girls, and more gimmicks. There was a chalkboard…
…there were chatterboxes…
Then there was Zoe-Clare saying she wanted to melt Locky down like a piece of butter and spread him on a slice of bread and eat him up for dinner.
7. Bella arrived with another backing track of wifey music, titled ‘Potential Wifey, 2.0: the remix’.
Bella decided only one could Outwit, Outlast, and Outplay and showed Locky straight away she was here for the long game.
OK sure, some would simply say she only showed him a necklace with a heart around the chain and then gave him a little heart he could then wear on his sleeve, but I prefer my method.
8. Cue the cocktail party: Osher announced a new rose called the “triple threat” rose and all of us gals were shook!
“Men used to call me a triple threat,” my old AF next door neighbour Doris said from the floor of my apartment, where she was doing a handstand. “But it was because I had a reputation to be able to twist my body like a pretzel while getting down and dir-”
Sorry BRB, I just threw up in my mouth.
The triple threat rose will give the chosen woman triple time with the Bachelor. Crazy, huh? Who would’ve guessed from the name!
So not only will they obtain a single date, and a group date, they’ll also get a special invite to the Bachy pad, which is actually the name of my apartment so lucky them! Hope they like packet soup and crazy as fuck neighbours.
9. Rosemary, the penguin, does her big trick that was hyped up in the ad breaks. The big trick is taking off her penguin outfit to reveal a cocktail dress underneath.
Yet, once again, every time I try to take off my clothes at parties people freak out and ask “who are you” and say things like “ma’am this is a private event.”
Queen of Gucci Laura was not impressed by Rosemary’s gimmick and says she would’ve arrived in a tiger costume if it meant she got time with Locky first. I mean given that all we know about Laura at this stage is she hates anything fun, then I’ll believe it when I see it.
10. Irena pulled Locky away to check on his heart. It was still beating, unlike mine.
“I took Irena as a quiet person, but within a minute her hands were in my shirt!” Locky said astounded, like quiet people are incapable of being horny or something.
But I also loved this moment because Locky actually seemed quite nervous and had no idea what to do with his hands apart from vaguely strum an imaginary guitar.
Locky, play ‘Wonderwall’.
11. Meanwhile tension was brewing because Areeba crashed Zoe-Clare’s chat with Locky earlier on. So Zoe-Clare was going around the house ranting about it, while Laura, queen of Gucci tried to search for a hidden idol.
Right next to you on the pillow, Laura, for God’s sake!
12. Intermission: Haven’t learned this girl’s name yet because she seems nice and normal but does anyone else kinda think she looks like Lauren Conrad here?
Or have I just been awake for six days too long? Hard to say.
13. OK, back to the drama. Zoe-Clare has not let up about Areeba interrupting her chat with Locky. She is FURIOUS.
She’s basically ranting here about how she hopes she gets a rose so she can be like “I win, you lose!” to Areeba, even though the odds are pretty good Areeba will also get a rose.
This waiter also felt the tension brewing and tried to make a run for it.
Nicole is all of us trying to process whatever the fuck is going down.
14. Things hit a boiling point when Zoe-Clare finally cracked it over Areeba interrupting her chat. She figured out the reason as to why Areeba targeted her specifically, and it’s because, she um… has red hair.
15. Zoe-Clare gave a very impassioned speech about how being singled out as a white woman with red hair made her feel.
As my mum once said to me, if you don’t have anything nice to say, well… log off for a while, and take a deep breath.
But also Zoe-Clare is right. I WILL never have her blue or green eyes or a body that will stop traffic. It’s true.
16. Eventually Zoe-Clare pulled it together and decided to go confront Areeba, who found the whole situation hilarious.
“No worries, thanks for your feedback,” Areeba said, while finally proving that the women are indeed given some form of food at the cocktail parties. Thank God for that.
17. The Triple Threat rose was given to our dancing queen, Nicole, and literally no one is more surprised than Nicole.
I nearly called it the Double Delight rose then out of habit from a Bachelor season 57 years ago.
Gucci Laura wasn’t happy about this choice, but she also hasn’t been happy about anything all night. “Do I literally need to make some song and dance to get some time with him?” she asked.
Well yeah, probably.
18. At the rose ceremony, we said a sad goodbye to these women who fell asleep hours ago.
Mood.
The one thing to note is that Zoe-Clare fell… ill before the rose ceremony commenced, but Locky did ask Osher to put aside a rose for her. And hopefully Osher also put aside some Panadol and a Gatorade.
Tomorrow night: An intruder gatecrashes in the infamous photoshoot episode, and no it’s not me. I tried, but they kicked me out because I don’t have red hair.
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